Saving Her

Chapter 26

Shawn's POV

Therapy kicked my butt today. It was good to talk to my therapist about my conversation with Camila and I feel much better, but I can't get out of my head the feelings I'm still having. When I asked my therapist how to handle these feelings, she told me that I needed to let myself feel them. I needed to process them and if I really truly wanted to be with Camila, I needed to be 100% sure because there's a lot at stake if it's only one-sided. I'm pretty sure it's not, but I can't be for sure. I need to know.

I'm currently driving over the Connor's house to meet him and Brian for the hockey game. I already texted Camila to let her know I wouldn't be home tonight and not to worry because I was with the boys. I still feel sick to my stomach that she was so worried about me. After all she's been through and she was worried about me...I guess that's one of the reasons I love her though, she helps to put things into perspective and she cares so deeply about the people she loves. I just hope she knows I'd do the same for her.

Pulling into Connor's driveway, I grab the food he had me pick up on the way and head inside. Brian's already here and a few other guys from the station. We love our Maple Leafs so having watch parties is not out of the ordinary for us when we all have a day off.

Being a detective is rewarding, but also extremely difficult. Although my friends and I are young, we wouldn't change what we do. It's hard, it's heartbreaking, and it rips you to pieces some times, but working for the Toronto Police Department has been one of the best decisions I've made.  It's given me so many opportunities and introduced me to some amazing people.

"Hey guys, I got the food!" I yell so everyone can hear me as I raise my hands up in the air full of bags stepping into the living room.

"Yes, Mendes coming in clutch just before game time!" Brian says as he pats me on the back and helps me carry the bags to the coffee table in the center of the room.

The game has started and we're all settled. Food is being consumed and beers are being drank when my phone dings, breaking me out of my eat food, drink beer routine. Grinning from ear to ear, I think it's Camila, but when I see it's my mom, my smile fades slightly.

"What's got you grinning like a school girl over there Shawny boy?" Connor mocks.

Rolling my eyes, I tell the guys I thought it was a text from Mila, but it ended up being my mom just checking up on me.

"Ahhhh....how cute!" They all mock me together.

Damn guys, leave me alone. I can't help it when my mom checks up on me. She's the best mom in the world. Jeesh.

We continue watching the game and at the first intermission, Brian gets up to grab another beer and motions me to come with him into the kitchen. I get up and follow behind him, suddenly uneasy.

"So...how did things go in therapy this afternoon? I know I'm still struggling a little bit." He says as he opens the fridge and grabs two more beers, looking at me with concern and sincerity.

This is why I love that Brian is my partner. He's always so open and honest with me, which is one of the reasons we get along so well. I'm the same with him and it just works.

"It was okay...I had a rough night last night, so we talked about that." I say plainly, not making eye contact.

"What do you mean by rough night?" He asks looking puzzled, while handing me an open beer.

"Well we all had dinner at my parents - the Cabello girls and I.  I just felt like something was off the whole night, I know I've been off for awhile too.  My parents took me aside after dinner and asked me why I'm avoiding Camila.  I ended up telling them I've been avoiding her because I couldn't save her from what happened, and how I blame myself for it all." I sigh before I continue. "They gave me some curt advice that made me realize I might be losing Camila instead of helping her. So, I grabbed her and took her outside and we hashed things out sitting in front of the fire in my parents backyard, her cuddled up to me, repeatedly telling me what happened to her wasn't my fault. I just..... I don't know man" I tell him. He frowns as I meet his eyes and something passes between us.

"Why, of all things Shawn, would you think you played any roll in what happened to her? Even if you had told her your concerns about Andy, she's a big girl and can make her own decisions. None of this is your fault!" He reassures me as he grabs my shoulders and shakes me a little with reassurance.

"For god sake Shawn, you love the girl! I know you, and I know you would never intentionally hurt her" he continues as he gives me a serious, yet playful smirk.

"I know. Which is something else we talked about at therapy today. While I feel much better about some things, I can't shake the feelings I'm having for her. Man, they are stronger than they have ever been. It's just not the right time." I sigh leaning against the island in the kitchen.

"What did Kelly say when you told her about your feelings?" He asks.  Kelly is our station therapist, who I saw this morning.

"She said that it's okay to have feelings for her, but because of everything she's been through, I need to be 100% sure she's what I want." I admit.  "And she told me that I really shouldn't be with her until I can come to terms with the fact that I'm not to blame for what happened to her."

"That makes sense. I mean you know we all know how you feel about her, and how long you've felt that way, and I know you've told us about her flirting with you, but it's a delicate issue. I agree with Kelly though. You need to be 100% before you make any sort of move. You need to be sure of yourself and comfortable in your own skin before you give yourself to her. I know your still hurting because you blame yourself for what happened to her, but you can't let that eat at you anymore. She needs you, now more than ever!" He says.

"I know...and thanks man! I had a long talk with Camila about how I was feeling and I think we've been able to push past a lot of it. I know I need to be strong for her. She told me I'm her person and I need to be that for her." I smile a little just thinking back to last night and this morning.  It was hard as hell, and interesting at the same time.  She's getting more comfortable around me again and I have to protect that because I feel I need to protect her. 

Brian smiles at me.  "I'm proud of you man.  One day it will all work out." He says as we walk back into the living room taking our seats back in front of the TV.

Thinking to myself about last night again, I know she told me I was saving her everyday and I need to continue to do that.  I love her too much to almost lose her, or myself again.