Red vs Blue: Heavy 'META'L

Don't Get Me Started

In the canyon valley of Valhalla, Sarge runs to the top of a hill and yells out at Blue Base.

Sarge: Attention: Blue Team! This is the Red Team! We are here to destroy you! Your long reign of being the shittiest team around is about to come to the sudden and cataclysmic end! We will give you a few moments to suck in the horrors of this announcement! And then return for your reaction. Be right back!

Sarge backs down towards Red Base, where Simmons, Grif, and Slade are standing.

Sarge: Hehe. Alright, that oughta scare the bejeebus out of them!

Simmons: Actually, sir. Since it's just two of them over there—

Grif: And one is an idiot...

Slade: And the other is my girlfriend who WILL beat the shit out of you wankers if you try anything...

Simmons: —I don't really see the point in psychological warfare.

Sarge: You're right, Simmons. It's not really accurate to refer to two people as a team. What's better? Blue People? Blue Men? Bluetonians?

Simmons: What I meant was—

Sarge: Bluetards!

Simmons: ...What I meant was, I don't see the point in announcing to them that we're gonna attack. Why don't we just do it?

Sarge: There's an order to this, Simmons. We can't abandon protocol just because we have an advantage! We have to give them a chance to see the errors of their Blue ways! To lay down their arms and meet their fellow men at the table of peace, where we can work together towards a better world. A world that's better, because we poisoned their food at that table, and stabbed 'em in the eye with a fork. And taken all their stuff.

Simmons: ... Dibs on the computers.

Slade: Sarge, be prepared to lose what little sense of male masculinity you have left after South wipes the floor with you lot.

Sarge: Noted. Now watch that base. Tell me if anything changes.

Simmons: Yes, sir! And sir?

Sarge: Yes, Simmons?

Simmons: I just wanna say, I'm glad I was here to see you on your day of victory. It's been a long time coming.

Sarge: Yes it has, hasn't it? My skills as a leader have really taken us far. It must've been quite an honor to serve with me. (pauses) Ah... okay. Glad we had this talk.

Simmons: (hopeful) Are you glad I'm here too, Sarge?

Sarge: Of course I am.

Simmons: I knew it! I just could—

Sarge: The squad's kill-death ratio is the most important measurement when evaluating sergeants! If you had died, that would've hurt my numbers.

Simmons: (sniffs and walks off, dejectedly) Glad I could help!

Slade: You literally ran straight into that, mate! Why is it so hard for you to stop relying on older figures of insane COs?

Sarge: (muttering) I'm not THAT old.

Slade: Sarge, with a deep voice like yours and given when I first met you in Blood Gulch, I'd say you'd at least have to be somewhere in your forties.

Sarge: Do I need to demote you again?

Slade: Did you already forget that I'm a Freelancer? Your orders mean JACK to me, mate. I only listened to you before cause I didn't want blow my cover. FYI: cover's been blown four years ago. So do me a favor, and just stick to insulting Grif.