Relocated (3)

1.5K 47 35
                                    

Grif is still on top of the Base yelling at his squad.

Sarge: Grif, we're gonna need you to clear that blockage.

Grif: How? These pieces are huge! How am I supposed to lift them?

Sarge: Well, they say people in emotional situations can sometimes get super-human strength.

Grif: Yeah? Well, what about people in situations where they really don't give a fuck? What kind of powers do they get?

Sarge: Grif!

Simmons: If you can't lift it, just try clearing it with a grenade.

Grif: Um, is that safe?

Simmons: None of this is safe. You're gonna start analyzing now?

Kan: Quit acting like a child and do your job!

Sarge: Here, Grif, take one of mine.

Sarge throws a grenade at Grif and misses. The grenade explodes as it falls back down.

Simmons: Sarge, you pulled the pin out.

Sarge: Of course I did. Who throws a grenade with the pin still in it? Hey, Grif, catch this one.

Sarge throws another grenade at Grif and misses.

Grif: No! I'm not catching those.

Sarge: Dammit, I can't reach.

The grenade rolls down the side of the base and explodes very close to Sarge, Simmons, and Kan.

Simmons: Aah! Cut it out!

Kan: I concur.

Grif: Yeah! Let me get back to work up here.

A rocket flies past Grif.

Sarge: Ya catch that one?

Grif: Okay, here we go. (throws grenade) Oh shit! Where do I go when the grenade is...

An enormous explosion throws Grif into the air. Debris rains down on Simmons, Sarge, and Kan.

Simmons: Oh no, he's falling.

Sarge: I see that!

Simmons: Should we try to catch him?

Sarge: Catch him? Hell no. He'll crush us. Kan, you do it.

Kan: Me? By the gods, no! He weighs more than a dropship!

Simmons: What do we do?

Sarge: I got a good idea. Let's act like we're gonna catch him, then we don't. It's a win-win.

Simmons: You used to jump out of ships. Give him some advice!

Sarge: Oh, right. Grif, you should never join that unit! The pay is terrible and the officer is totally disorganized!

Simmons: Advice on how to land!

Sarge: Oh, right. Grif, what you wanna do is...

After an incredible amount of screaming, Grif hits the ground. Regardless, Sarge continues to talk.

Sarge: ...Try to tuck and roll at the last second. That will transfer your momentum to inertia, and invert your ker-splat probability.

Simmons: Hey, Sarge?

Red vs Blue: Heavy 'META'LWhere stories live. Discover now