Red vs Blue: Heavy 'META'L

Lay of the Land

Back at Valhalla. Lopez walks back towards Red Base, away from Simmons. Donut walks up to the maroon cyborg.

Simmons: Donut! Where have you been?

Donut: Just seeing if South had anything valuable to move out. You know, before we burn it to the ground. Caboose asked me to house-sit.

Simmons: Did they have anything valuable?

Donut: Well, I'm not gonna tell you! You'll just find it and burn it.

Simmons: Yeah, that's true. But tell me anyway.

Donut: Nah, there's not much over there. Just some spare parts from Caboose's "build-a-new-best-friend" project... and it looks like he took that A.I. unit with him.

Simmons: So dumb. ...Wait, what? A.I. unit?

Donut: Yeah! It was kind of cool. It was purple and liked to hear old stories about—

Simmons: What? He kept that?! He wasn't supposed to keep that! I thought he turned it in! That was part of the deal for getting our bases! We had to turn over all equipment! Wait a minute, is that what Slade has been helping him with?!

Donut: Maybe? You're talking to me about things that don't really make any sense. I've been kind of gone. I don't know if you noticed.

Simmons: I need to tell Sarge and have him get it back from that idiot...

Simmons jogs towards to the base and turns on the radio.

Simmons: Sarge, come in. Sarge. Sarge, do you read?

The only response is static.

Simmons: (sighs) Ah, dammit. Hey Lopez!

Lopez: [Yes.]

Simmons: Is the radio busted?

Lopez: [Busted radio. How come no one ever wants to talk to me about anything else?]

Simmons: The radio! (slowly) No work? Call Sarge-o. Yes or no?

Lopez: [You speak English worse than I do.] (also slowly) [Yes. Radio. Good. Butt. Up yours.]

Simmons: (still slowly) Then, how come I can't get Sarge?

Lopez: [Maybe their radio is busted, Einstein.]

Simmons: (still slowly) Can you fix it?

Lopez: [Can I fix their radio from here? Sure. Because I am magic. I am a magical robot.]

Simmons: How come, in all these years of working with us, you haven't managed to learn one single word of English?

Lopez: [I don't know. Probably trying to avoid conversations like this.]

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Headcase: Now I'm sure you've heard about the treaties between aliens and people. We're here to investigate an energy reading. Rules are now, if they find one of these things, all investigation teams have to have at least one person and one alien. No exceptions.

Sarge: What kind of energy reading?

Headcase: I can't tell you that. In fact, I need you to leave this area A.S.A.P. The alien diplomats will get mighty suspicious if they find another human squad showed up. We don't want to cause an intergalactic incident.

Caboose: Oh, we're used to doing that...

Sarge: Ooh, ah, what my friend means is that we're, um, used to following protocol.

Headcase: Good! Then you guys just head on your way and we don't need to report this to anybody.

Grif: Dude, we're not going anywhere. Our jeep is wrecked.

The jeep behind them explodes.

Slade: (fake American accent) Why does God hate me?

Kan: I say it was more karma than religious coincidence.

Headcase: Damn. Okay, we'll help you repair your jeep, and then you're gone. Couple of rules while you're here. This is a restricted dig site. Everything here is property of the military. Do not go looking for any artifacts. And do not go anywhere without telling me. Got it?

Grif: Yes Mom, we got it.

Headcase: Okay. Quick quiz, then. What are you gonna do if you find an artifact?

Caboose: Not take it.

Headcase: No, that was a trick question. You're not going to find an artifact because you're not going to be looking for an artifact.

Caboose: Maybe I knew it was a trick question... so I gave you a trick answer.

Headcase: There are no trick answers, there are only wrong answers. Are we clear?

Grif: Yes.

Headcase: Are. We. Clear?

All Five: Yes!

Headcase: Okay. Then head down there. On the left, you'll find some wracked jeeps you can scavenge for parts. There's also water down there on the left, too. Keep yourselves hydrated. You want some chow? It's with the water on the left.

Sarge: Thanks. And we'll be leaving as soon as we can.

Headcase: Yes, you will.

Sarge, Grif, Slade, Kan, and Caboose start heading to where they were told to go.

Grif: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Sarge?

Sarge: Yeah. Something just doesn't seem right.

Caboose: I know. Everything is on the left.

Grif: Shut up, Caboose.

Slade: Focus. Alright? We need to find Tucker and stop these guys from whatever the hell they're up to. I seriously doubt Headcase is the type of guy to turn over a new leaf.

Caboose: What leaf? They're aren't any trees.

Smith: <Do you think they know?>

Headcase: No, I don't think they know anything. You get back to the temple. Keep working on getting it open. I'll take care of these idiots.

Behind the ruins are several dead aliens and soldiers of the first expeditionary dig team.