Over The Seas [Kim Sunwoo The Boyz]

Ch. Twenty-Nine

[Kim Sunwoo POV]

We had a small Christmas party with the members and the staff today at the company. Everyone was having such a great time, laughing and smiling...but I couldn't seem to get into the spirit. There was something bothering me that wouldn't allow me to get it off my mind. No matter how much I tried to distract myself, my mind kept going back to that night Riyae told me that she had feelings for me. It was so sudden and out of the blue, I couldn't process it. I still can't. There's something about her getting so angry with me that makes me a bit sad. I don't like seeing her like that, especially if I was the one who caused it. I want to make it up to her but I'm sure she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I'm sure she's probably moved on with her life and having a great time with her family...

I helped clean up so I could get home faster and get into bed. It feels good to finally have a break from practicing and from work in general for a few days. We finished up quickly so I headed straight to our car without much thought besides my bed. It is a bit difficult finding a place to just be alone in a dorm with 11 other people; my bed is the only place I can sort of me by myself.
I looked out the window as we drove by the city, feeling a sense of melancholy.
Why am I suddenly sad? All these feelings I can't even explain are starting to make my head hurt.

Home at last. I take off my shoes at the entrance before anyone else and head to the bathroom to do my skin care routine before going to bed.
Maybe splashing water on my face will make my train of thought better. Maybe then I'll be able to find an answer to all of my questions.

I had quickly finished my routine and after wiping my face with a towel, I stared at myself in the mirror.
...
I couldn't get a single thought out.
My brain is so overloaded with thoughts I can't pinpoint one out!
"What are you doing?"
I saw Changmin standing behind me. He had a face of both concern and judgement.
"Nothing, just about to head to bed." I said as I turned around and walked past him.

It's not like me to ignore everyone like this, but I'm just not feeling it right now.

I walk through the living room to get to my room, avoiding eye contact with the guys.
As I was about to make it to the door, I hear Sangyeon call out my name.
"Sunwoo,"
I halted to a stop, and slowly turned around to our leader who was sitting on the couch alone. Everyone else was speeding around the dorm, getting ready before going to bed.
"Yes?" Trying to sound polite.
"Can you come here for a second?"
I knew I couldn't really say no, as much as I wanted to. I walked to the couch and sat down next to Sangyeon.
"How are you doing, Sunwoo?"
"I'm fine." I lied. I honestly didn't know how I was doing.
He had a face full of disbelief.
"I know that's not true. Something's wrong."
I really wanted to talk to someone about this, but I really don't know where to start.
"You can tell me, Sunwoo. We're all here for you." He said in a caring voice. I looked around and saw a few of them standing across the living room, watching me.
"I don't really know how to explain." I said.
They all looked at Sangyeon, awaiting his response.
"How about we do our 5-minute talk right now?" He looked at the few standing for approval.
"That sounds like a great idea, Sangyeon!" Said Kevin, in what sounded a bit scripted voice.
Everyone quickly came into the living room and sat in a circle. I hesitantly joined the circle, feeling a bit scared as to what they had in mind.
"Okay," Sangyeon clapped to insinuate the start of the talk.
"I want to start off by saying..."
I feel so nervous, I don't know why. I'm not the most open and emotional person here and they all know that. The thought of having to talk about my feelings infront of everyone here makes me sweaty.
"And you all did great things today and you all should be proud of yourselves."
Everyone started clapping once Sangyeon had finished his usual beginning speech.
"Now, I think there's someone who would like to go first tonight." Everyone looked directly at me.
This could be good, they'll surely be able to give me helpful advice.
I hesitated a bit when starting, choosing my words carefully and trying to remember what happened that night.
"As you all may know, my friends and I had an early Christmas celebration," I began with everyone's attention on me.
"For some reason I couldn't figure out, Riyae seemed pretty mad at me. She didn't talk to me much and it almost seemed as if she was ignoring me. Anyways, we had a good time overall but I kept on noticing how close Riyae was with Sewoon."
"Ahhh..." They quietly said after I had mentioned Sewoon's name.
"It made me feel some sort of way, like a bit angry and protective of her. I had no control over what I was saying. I targeted him and verbally attacked him."
Saying all this really made me start to feel bad. I knew what I had done and I regret it all, but it's all really hitting me now as I talk about it more.
"I kept on wanting to get close to her; I tried to but Sewoon was always there. Once we had gotten to her house, it was all calm. We played some video games and had a fun time. Until Sewoon and Riyae asked if they could play a round. There were only four controllers so two of us had to switch with them. I gave mine to Riyae but no one else gave theres so Sewoon. So she gave hers to him and let him play. I messed around with him and made him lose purposefully."
No one had given my any looks of judgement. They all sat there listening and processing the situation. It didn't make me feel as bad but the regret was hitting really hard.
I continued. "He had eventually quit and just gave me back the controller. I said something like, 'I knew you couldn't handle it.' as he walked back to his seat. Then Riyae stood up and asked me if we could talk. I felt a bit of joy when he had finally talked to me. But she seemed angry so I was a bit worried."
I paused before continuing on to the next part. I was looking down at the floor, fiddling with my thumbs.
"She was angry with the way I was acting towards Sewoon. She explained how he was her only friend that she wasn't forced to be with. It honestly hurt a bit. She raised her voice a lot and I didn't really know what to say. I stood there like an idiot...Riyae got really impatient with me so I blurted out that I was jealous."
Everyone nodded and looked at each other as if they were saying "I knew it"
or "I told you so".
"It only seemed to make her more angry. I tried my best to explain that I couldn't really control my actions. I mean, you guys know this isn't like me! But it didn't seem like she believed me, no matter how much I tried to convince her.
I told her I was jealous because of her friendship with Sewoon. I honestly didn't really know why I acted the way I did but that was what made most sense to me. She is a lot closer with him than me and it hurt to see her with him since we had recently started hanging out a lot and I thought our bond was strong. But she only seemed infuriated. I didn't know what to do!"
Again, I hesitated before saying the next part. The part that I can't stop thinking about. The part that made me feel things I can't understand. The part that I know they're going to feak out over. But I know I'm going to have to tell them one way or another.
I sighed.
"She told me she had feelings for me."
Everyone's eyes widened and the whispered amongst each other.
"Really..."
"She likes Sunwoo..."
"Why is everyone surprised? I knew that from the beginning..."
Eric eagerly asked, "What happened next?"
"Well I was shocked. I didn't really know how to respond of what to even say. I honestly didn't see it coming at all."
"I did." Said Kevin in a quiet voice.
"She told me she didn't want to have those feelings anymore, though."
"Why?" They asked.
"She said it was because I saw a kpop idol. There was no point in trying since I was apparently out of her league."
"She means you're out of her league..." Kevin said as if I couldn't hear him.
"I wanted to say something but she kept on cutting me off. She continued by saying that everyone had been telling her that I liked her and called herself dumb for believing them. Then, she said to not feel sorry since she was pretty much used to rejection and never got her way with love, then walked back in."
"Did you go after her?" Asked Hyunjae.
"No, it would only make matters worse if I had. I just lied to everyone that I needed to head back to my dorm and left."
He shook his head in disappointment.
I could tell they all had something to say. They waited until they were sure I was finished. I looked at all of them, waiting for them to give me the advice that I need.
They noticed this, exchanged looks and Changmin spoke.
"You know, Sunwoo,"
Tell me, what do I do?
"You can be really dumb sometimes."
Wait what?
"In the nicest way possible, of course."
Everyone else slightly chuckled and nodded in agreement.
"Why do you say that?"
"Dude, do you really need us to spell it out for you?"
...yes?
"Maybe." I really didn't know what they were talking about and I felt a bit embarrassed about it.
"You totally have feelings for Riyae." Kevin spoke out in a calm voice, saying every syllable slowly to ensure that I understood.
......
I froze. Did I Iike her? It never occurred to me. I had never thought of the possibility. Could it be true? It doesn't make any sense though...or does it?
I sat there with a confused look on my face.
"We all know you do, it's really obvious." Said Chanhee.
"But...why...how......what?!"
I covered my face with my palms, realizing the truth.
"I do like her..."