Don't Look Back

Chapter 10

Having danced most energetically with Mr. Stringer for two dances, he asked to dance another set and Charlotte panted.

"Perhaps after I have caught my breath," she answered feeling flushed.

James smiled and nodded. "Aye, would you like another glass of Champagne or punch... I won't tell Lady Burell."

Charlotte glanced at the woman and smiled. "I am sure she would guess," she answered. "I will just have a moment," she whispered and looked around still unsure where Sidney had gone.

Her eyes met Eliza's and she frowned wondering if Sidney had left.

Something about the thought did not comfort her. "I see young miss Beaufort lonesome over there. Perhaps you could do a turn with her. I know she would very much enjoy that."

Mr. Stringer followed her line of comment and smiled seeing the young Miss Beaufort sitting alone looking sullen and depressed.

"I think I will," he answered. "I do dislike to see a disappointed face on a pretty young lady." he smiled to her and briefly kissed the back of her hand.

Charlotte turned and sighed taking another drink as she went. Sipping it now as opposed to gulping she went to the terrace. It was hot and inside she felt she could not breathe. Perhaps the sound of waves along the sea would be curing.

Stepping out she could smell the sea air and it calmed her but it was a distant sound. Closing her eyes she tried to imagine standing at the edge of the surf with it filling her senses.

Sidney had seen her come out but hidden in the shadow of a plant as he smoked to calm his fevered nerves. In silence, he just took a moment to watch her. How her delicate sloping shoulders rose and fell. Or the becoming color she wore bathed in the light of the ballroom. He was close to her now and without any idea of what to say. Any approach of address would either seem weak or too strong.

He struggled with a war inside him to hide, or come out of the shadows but soon he felt compelled to face this terrible reality that the woman who consumed his dreams and filled his days with thoughts of bitter regrets was there, in the flesh before him and nothing was any different. She was still as far from him as when they parted.

"You are a vision tonight, Miss Heywood," he said finally causing her to startle and jump. Her eyes looked on the point of tears and he felt the need to move closer but remained rooted to the spot.

"Mr. Parker," she said breathlessly. "I um..." she did not know what to say and pressed her gloved hand to her forehead. "I am sorry," she turned flustered about to leave but Sidney reached out to stop her.

"Wait, wait," he found himself whispering. Begging her to remain.

She froze and turned. "For what?" She blinked tearfully. "Five years and it still hurts," she admitted and realized what she said with self-disgust. Humiliated that she was still this raw from it.

He stepped closer to her. "Yes... I know the condition well, though never more sharply than in regards to you," he whispered. "Five years and I am still that man who watched your carriage disappear and I let it." his eyes searched hers, breaking and reveling in the shared misery of their parting and joy and elation that he has not been alone in that.

She started to cry at that and turned. "I should not have returned with Lady Susan, but I confess curiosity did compel me." she looked up at him. "Sanditon is thriving." she nodded as he watched her wanting to close the distance.

Scoffing she shook his head. "For everyone else, it has been worth it, but for me... It has been a sore point in my life every day since I -" he shook his head. "I go too far. I am just glad to see you and not all at the very moment and am not."

She turned and smiled sadly. "Why couldn't we just meet and be glad for the other?" she asked.

He could not answer as he leaned closer drinking in her words.

"You have a wife." she shrugged. "A family, and children," she said and turned again. "I am sorry, this is my fault..." she left before Sidney could stop her and re-entered the ballroom.

Sidney let out a shuddering growl of frustration, then startled seeing another come from the side of the building clapping slowly.

The taunting rhythm of the act riled him all the more.

"Bravo Mr. Sidney Parker." came the crowing voice of Lord Sellac. "I had thought it was a monk's life for you but I could have sworn you were about to take that young lady in a most inappropriate manner."

Sidney turned to face him. "It is none of your business what I do," he said eyeing the man.

Lord Sellac put up his hands innocently. "No judgment my friend." he laughed. "I just have one question..." he came closer and pulled out a smoke and offered Sidney one which he refused upon principle.

Sidney waited for the question briefly paralyzed by the events of the night.

At length, Lord Sellac lit his smoke and then smiled casually. "Is she the reason your marriage is a false one and always was?" he asked.

Sidney ground his teeth and he felt a pang of anger in regards to Flora.

Stepping closer Sidney was taller than him by a little but it was not enough to intimidate.

"What has my witch of a wife told you about us?" he asked with venom lacing every word.

Lord Sellac shrugged. "You know your wife, she can talk often and at great length if given free rein. She had led me to think you have no physical relationship. I assumed that was your choice since your wife has quite the appetite." he flashed a cocky knowing grin. "I now see it could be you love another," he said with a shrug. "I never quite understood celibacy... You are a better man than me in that," he said and clapped him on the arm as if friends. "Don't trouble yourself, your secret is safe with me," he said and winked as he walked by him.

Sidney left the terrace and chose to walk Sanditon, and burn off this rage and fear that fired inside him. He had to protect Flora and it seemed now Eliza was not of the same mind.