Don't Look Back

Chapter 28

Eliza eye' ed Sidney from across the green. The men stood idle and ready. She knew he was in a foul temper about the fact she had been out all night for the last number of evenings. The only conclusion to be made that she slept in another's bed which was not incorrect.

It had been unwise but she could feel her hold on Lord Sellac slipping.

"Good afternoon Eliza." Came Diana's universally kind voice. "Such lovely weather we are having."

Eliza plastered a nervous smile on her face. "Diana, so good to see you. I am so sorry I have not gotten the chance to catch up with you since your return a few days ago." she apologized but did not mean it. "I have been so busy."

Arthur smiled and nodded. "Flora was a joy on our walk yesterday, was she not Diana?"

His sister smiled and beamed. "Oh yes, she was so lively. It was a real treat to have such a jolly girl for ones walking partner."

Suddenly the society and family games had become so tedious to Eliza and her breathing changed.

Eliza's palms had gone sweaty and she knew her brow had to be perspiring. Digging into her sleeve on her spencer she fished out a handkerchief and held it to her brow. Her gloves would soak up the moisture there, but sweating to publically was quite unnecessary.

Smiling she looked to her daughter who was playing with her nurse and cousins and she smiled pained. Seemed everyone was so happy with Flora, but all she could see what a manipulating and calculating child.

"I am glad you enjoyed her. I was planning on taking her back with me to London, but she seems at home here with her father." she glanced at Sidney who was beyond earshot. He was avoiding her eye contact, it enraged her but she knew she had little cause to fight with him. With Miss Heywood's return, her careful balance of pleasure and duty had been entirely disrupted and she was no longer sure Sidney would dutifully look the other way.

And her efforts to keep Lord Sellac on her hook were proving to be too risky. She could see the looks, and how now circles started to close her off. Not outright yet but soon they would be if she was not careful.

Even now Lord Sellac was paying court to the younger Miss Beaufort and Eliza took out her fan to exercise her frustration using her wrist. He would be a prize if she were too free... she thought and closed her eyes against the idea.

"Are you quite alright Eliza?" Arthur whispered said seeing her distressed expression. Careful not to draw attention.

She shook her head and smiled. "I am just over hot," she said.

He smiled. "Please allow me to fetch you some punch. That should set you to rights, and perhaps a seat?" he rushed to find one.

Eliza looked to Lord Sellac to see if he stole glances, then to Sidney to see neither were interested in her obvious weakness. Both were rolling up their sleeves and practicing their swing.

Conversations buzzed around her as her mind swam in the confusing sea of her actions and the figures in her life. Perhaps she had gone too far.

Her eye's misted as she tried not to lose composure. Her face hardened and she looked across the field that was now being paced in wait for the rest of the female's team.

But then she saw her... The elder Miss Heywood wasn't dressed like the others. She wore a light crisp white dress, artfully displaying her innocence to the world as she walked companionably with the remaining women's team since Mary had come separately.

Her blue eyes flashed to Sidney who stood dumbfounded and as if he wanted to go to her but was stuck in place.

How could he admire such a little inconsequential thing?

Silly for Miss Heywood to worry the town so with going for a walk without the proper attire. How could Sidney still find her preferable to his own wife after all these years?

Internally Eliza was satisfied to not see the signature tan color on her meaning Miss Heywood would not be playing, rendering it difficult for Sidney to pay attention to her on account of the game.

Taking the punch Arthur finally had brought her she watched as Lady Denham and her small entourage came in great pomp and set up her own canopy and table and visibly invited Lady Worcester and the two Heywood girls to join her. Always favored more than she should be.

Her eyes traveled back to her husband and she could see what a striking figure he still was upon the field. If they were in better relations she would smile and blush at compliments from the ladies admiring his form but now none even spoke to her besides

Looking to Lord Sellac he looked to be distracted by the younger girl. It was happening and she did not know how to stop it. Her lover was growing tired of her and she did not know how to stop it.

Standing abruptly Eliza left the sideline and needed some air. The gathering was so oppressive in its exclusion of her that she could not take it for a second longer.

No one asked her if she was well when she left despite the knowing judgment in the ladies' glances. Lady Burrell being the worst. Her eyes saw everything and she watched her even now as she leaned over to whisper into another lady's ear.

Alone on the dunes, she took brief pleasure in the wind in her face her ribbons flying behind her.

Leaning her head back she tried to imagine a way to get things back to the way they were. A fawning lover, and a compliant husband...

Sidney was beyond cooperation. She could see that he had perhaps been pushed too far even before Miss Heywood showed up.

Despite the openness of the great beach of Sanditon she felt backed into a corner and the only way out meant doing something she would burn for. She had done it before only then it had been different. It had been the right thing. Now...was it just self-preservation?

Sitting down undignified in the sand she shook. What was happening?

Her life was unraveling and it was because Sidney had not been able to love her again. He never knew what she did for him only to have him reject society for months and she had all but given up seeing him again on the dance floor in another woman's arms. Being held so close... and then he was so immune to her charms. He was not the man she had sinned so terribly to have.

Perhaps that was reason enough.