A New Chapter (BNHAxReader)

Chapter 54: Losing it

I woke up sometime in the middle of the night. The grueling feeling of being in an agonizing mental state was too much to handle. I got up and tiptoed to the bathroom and closed the door behind me silently before sitting on the side of the bathtub and stared at the wall for a few minutes before removing Chi's hoodie that I was wearing. I then sat there again, but now in just the shorts that were Chi's and a tank top. I closed my eyes and clenched them shut at the heavy feeling that I felt throughout my whole body, but primarily in my chest.

"I want to die." I whispered to myself as I opened my eyes and looked at the wall with a troubled look. I then scoffed as I looked down and shook my head, disappointed in myself for talking to myself. I watched my right hand as I generated a razor blade, then angled it so I could watch it gleam.

'Why must I always feel like this?'

'I am a mother, a wife, a hero, a teacher...yet here I am, ready to throw it away if I could just to save myself...how worthless am I...'

I pushed the razor to my arm and drew vertical lines on my left arms wrist. I didn't care if I was going to actually die or not, I just needed to feel pain. Just as I was going to do a fourth line, the razor blade was then knocked out of my hand and as I was sent flying into the bathtub, landing in a metallic clang. I turned around on my knees to see that it was Chi, standing behind me with an angered, yet sad expression. I shot up to my feet as the heavy feeling in my chest began to hurt from being too heavy.

"Chi," I started, "I'm sorry, I-"

"I thought that you were going to try and get better." he said in a disappointed tone.

"I'm trying but-"

"If you're trying, you would consider talking to me." he cut me off. "It makes me angry that you don't reach out. I need you to talk." his sad expression faded away which made his angry one become more prominent.

I looked down in shame. Even though I could no longer see his face, I could feel his eyes burning into me with disappointment.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"No. There is no excuse." he said sternly, "I'm sorry that I have to say this, but grow up. You have your own kids to look after, you have citizens to look after, not to mention your peers. You shouldn't be deprecating yourself, especially at this age."

I too started to get angry. "I'm sorry that I'm immature! You try and have a childhood where you have to fend for yourself!" I yelled, "You had parents to raise and support you! I never had that! I was never taught how to deal with these emotions, so all I know how to do is take it out on myself and run away!"

He sighed, "Hun, I think it'd be the best choice if you pick up on your therapy again." he said, trying to be calm.

Upon hearing that, I lost it. "No!" I said as I stopped my right foot and threw my fists down to my sides as my anger spilled over, making the bathroom window shatter. Chi looked at it while I kept looking at him with rage. "I'm not going back there! I'm not going to be looked down upon someone who was hand fed with a silver spoon and has never known pain! I cannot do it!" I paused to catch my breath after talking so loudly. "I can't take this anymore!" I cursed as I fell to the floor, sitting with my legs in a 'W' shape.

He looked down at me with disgust before turning towards the door and saying in an even tone, "I'm gonna run to the store to pick up bandages since I know we don't have any. Try and keep yourself in one piece until I get back." then walked away, leaving the door open.

I was left alone, sitting on the floor in the middle of the bathroom, crying as I felt like I was losing my mind. I also felt like I was abandoned, like I then had no one and no one would accept me. I forgot about everyone and everything as I let it all out before I was interrupted by a familiar voice asking, "Mother? Is everything okay?"