I didn't mean to break you (clexa au)

t h i r t y t h r e e

Clarke's POV (woah crazy ikr)

It was a sleepless night, though I didn't expect anything else. I was wrapped in the warmth of Lexa's embrace like every other night, but there was something different tonight. Her loving hold on me was no comfort, I felt so safety. In fact, her holding me made me scared, scared to lose her.

I rolled over to look the clock on the bedside table seeing it was six in the morning. Knowing Lexa was in a deep sleep and wouldn't be up for a few hours gave me the perfect chance to escape. Carefully slipping out of Lexa's arms I got out of the bed. The sound of Lexa's small whimper at the loss of warmth made my heart beat rise, hoping she didn't wake up. But she didn't, she shifted slightly and began to hold onto the doublet next to her. I smiled sweetly at my beautiful girlfriend before changing into a pair of grey joggers and a hoodie. Then I quietly made my way down the stairs, slipping on my shoes and jacket, grabbing my phone and keys and slipped out.

I knew exactly where I was going, but i didn't want anyone else too. Knowing Lexa would worry made me feel bad, but I was certain she'd understand. Considering the day. Today. The 17th of April, exactly a year since my fathers death. A year since my only source of light, was sniffed out by the evil of death. Everyday I longed for another minute with him, another minute to tell him how much I loved him, everyday I regret my life choices. Maybe if I had been a better child a less problematic and more joyous child, then maybe he would have survived through it.

I walked for over an hour, my feet carrying me, the rest of my body oblivious to its tiredness due to the numbness that had succumbed my being. As the sun began to rise I saw my destination in the distance. Stopping for a minute I took in a deep breath, my hands shaking, maybe from the cool breeze surrounding me but more likely from the anxiety building up inside of me. Once we had left this town to start our new lives I hadn't come back. My mother drove back each month to see his grave and lay fresh flowers, but me, I was too weak for that. But not today, today I was going to be strong, I was going to try and be strong.

Moments later I reached the cemetery where my dad lay at rest. My feet were burning from the walk as I made my way over to the grave of my father. For a few minutes, I just stared, my eyes threatening tears. I finally gave in, letting the tears flow down my freshly reddened cheeks. My body collapsed in a heap on the floor as I sobbed at the foot of his grave, clenching my hoodie in my hands.

What felt like hours later I had stopped crying. The sun had now fully risen and it shone brightly in the sky, few clouds surrounding it. "Hey dad," I sniffled, finally lifting my head up to look at the gravestone. The flowers had withered and weeds had begun to grow in each available space, it was a mess, I made a mental note to clean it up when I was able to pull myself together, but that just wasn't yet. "I miss you, like crazy. I need you back, I feel so alone without you. It's crazy really, because you never knew my deepest secrets or real feelings," I laughed at the irony, "but now your watching over me, I know you'll see it all. I'm sorry for disappointing you dad, I'm sorry for being weak."

I stared a little longer at the grave, reading over what the tombstone said, 'Loving husband and father, Jake was a strong and great man, he fought well. May we meet again.'

I sat for hours, ignoring the constant buzzing of my phone. Talking to my father, about everything. I told him of all the bad, and the good. I told him about how in love I am and how i wished he could've met Lexa, and how well they would've gotten along. "Griffin?" A familiar voice echoed from behind me. I slowly lifted my head and turned to see a boy looking at me, a sad smile on his face. I took in the sight of his messy hair and smiled, "Jasper."

I stood up and was instantly pulled into a hug by Jasper. I'd grown up with the boy, and we'd always been close friends, however I was mad at him for a period of time, when he cut off my supply. But looking back now I'm thankful to him, I had become addicted and he saved me from myself. "It's been a while Griffin, you look rough," he commented, his tone laced with sympathy. I nodded in reply looking down at the headstone. He followed my gaze and a sigh followed, "I'm sorry Clarke." With that he pulled me into another tight hug, this time not letting go as easily. I let him hug me for a while as I relaxed into his arms, finally letting all my tears out again, and he didn't let go.

"Jasper, I need the pain to go. Just for tonight," I croaked turning to look him in the face, a pleading glimmer evident in my glassy eyes. "Clarke, no I won't do it. I'm sorry, i know your going through a lot and I'm here to help you, but I'm not giving you any," he replied sternly. I sniffled lightly my body was burning in every place and I just wanted some release. "Please-" I begged desperately, my voice breaking. "I'm sorry Clarke but I won't do it."

He saw my distraught and broken reaction and pulled me into another hug. "I'll do anything for you Clarke, but not that, not after last time," he comforted me stroking my hair lightly. "I need to be alone for a while," I replied breaking the hug, quickly slipping my hand into my jacket pocket. "Call me if you need me, any time Griffin, look after yourself." I smiled and nodded sheepishly as the boy turned and I watched him walk away.