I didn't mean to break you (clexa au)

t h i r t y f o u r

Clarke's POV
⚠️tw: drugs//self harm//mentions of suicide//overdoes⚠️

As soon as I was sure that Jasper had left, I pulled my hand out of my pocket, directing my eyes down to the pills that lay in my hands. I had surprised myself, I never thought myself capable of stealing, and I just got lucky that Jasper kept some in his pocket. Sitting down, my back against my dads grave stone, I sighed slowly counting the pills. There was at least 15 and probably more, that was plenty to numb the pain.

Gulping I slipped a couple of the pills out of the bag and into my hand. I laughed at myself and the situation I found myself in, knowing I shouldn't do this made me want too even more. My body had succumbed to the feeling of nothing yet everything at the same time, and that was the worst way to feel. Knowing it wouldn't take long until Jasper had noticed they were gone, I quickly slipped the four pills that I held, down my throat, swallowing largely.

The first few moments and there was nothing, and so I poured the rest of the bags contents straight into my mouth, struggling to swallow them all at once, but I did. Minutes later my body was on fire. My head was spinning as every single emotion I had ever felt swarmed through my head. Sobs began to escape my eyes as I shook lightly with laughter. It felt as if an elephant was sitting on my chest, crushing me until I couldn't breath, yet I couldn't stop the laughter that echoed from my lips. The burning sensation in my lungs made me smile, my head clouding with thoughts of dying. That's what I wanted, that's what I deserved in this very moment.

The moment of weakness took over my entire being as my thoughts drifted towards Lexa. It was all my fault, everything bad that had happened between us, it was always because of me. I thought of the pain I put us both through as my body began to shake. My heart beat was rising rapidly and in that moment I realised I should not have taken that many pills, I shouldn't of taken any. If Lexa saw me in this state she would hate me, call me an idiot, and probably breakup with me because of my weakness. That's all I was. Just weak.

Slowly I felt my head begin to throb, my eyes constantly fluttering open and closed, my body now shaking from head to toe. My back slipped further down the headstone until it was laying limp on the floor. My efforts to stand up were wasted and I just fell back to the floor. Maybe it was ironic, that my death would be in a graveyard, alone. I had always felt alone, until I met Lexa, but I'm this moment, I wanted to feel alone, so I could remind myself that my death wouldn't harm anyone. I felt my mind begin to shut down as hot and salty tears kept flowing down my flushed face. Lexa would be fine without me. That's the last thought I had before everything went black.

Lexa's POV

It was now seven in the evening and I'd had no contact from Clarke whatsoever. Neither had her mother or any of her friends, and it was an understatement to say i was worried. I slipped my boots on along with a warm jacket, grabbing my car keys before I left the house to find my girlfriend.

Me and Abby had thought of every place she could of gone, but we were stumped when we found she wasn't in any of those places. I was driving round in the car aimlessly, hoping the girl I loved was safe, and would just be sitting on the side of the road waiting for me to swoop her into my arms, hold her and never let go. But the heavy feeling in my chest told me that would be too easy.

I racked my brain, there must've been one place she'd go. One place that we'd missed, today was the anniversary of her dads passing, so where would she go. Suddenly my brain clicked, though I was very doubtful. I remember Clarke telling me how she hadn't been to visit his grave since the day of the funeral, but it was the last place i could think of.

On the way to Clarke's old town I rung Abby asking for the name of the cemetery and told her I'd get in contact if I found her. I didn't care that I was speeding, I needed to be there for Clarke, and I hated myself for leaving her on her own this long.  "You better be here Clarke," I whispered under my breath to myself as I swung the car into a parking space and quickly climbed out.

It was now dark out, the only source of light being the moon and the dim light of my phone. I tried calling Clarke again as I walked into the cemetery, listening out for the ringing. I wasn't a fan of these places, no one is, but they scared the shit out of me. Maybe it was the fact that I'd watched to many zombie movies, or just the pure fact I hated to admit, I was scared of dying. No, I was scared of the people I'd leave behind if I were to die. Before Clarke my only hope was Lincoln and Anya,  but when I met the beautiful blonde that lit up my entire life, that's when I started to fear death. Not for me, but for her.

And that's when I saw it. A body, lying still on the ground. My heart beat quickened and my head filled with dizziness. I broke into a run towards the body, allowing myself to breakdown as I scooped the girl I loved into my arms. She looked lifeless.

A/N
Please go check out my other clexa book! It's better written than this one cause I've been growing as a writer and that one is ongoing. Have a nice day :)