I didn't mean to break you (clexa au)

t h i r t y f i v e

⚠️tw//overdose//depression//attempted suicide//death⚠️

The broken blonde lay still in the arms of her brunette girlfriend. Lexa was sobbing uncontrollably as she sat, clinging onto Clarke tightly. Her mind racing, her broken heart beating out of her chest. By the sight of the empty pill bag on the floor, Lexa knew Clarke had done this on purpose, and with that thought Lexa's heart broke into a million more pieces as she lay with the almost lifeless body of her lover in her arms. Her mind was too clouded to notice her other surroundings or to check for signs of life. Seeing her blonde beauty like this, gave her no glimmer of hope.

"Clarke?" A worried male voice broke Lexa out of her own thoughts. She quickly turned up to look at the boy who now stood next to the two girls, staring down at them with tears in his eyes. "Call a fucking ambulance," Lexa burst out as more tears streamed down the side of her face. The boy looked down at her with sympathy, "I think she's gone-" he was cut off by Lexa's scream. "No, no you don't fucking get to decide it, please just call the ambulance. I can't lose her too-"

The brunettes voice broke as her head fell to Clarke's chest. She could feel the slower but still evident heartbeats. "Her hearts still beating, please," she cracked. The boy quickly nodded and called for an ambulance. Meanwhile Lexa carefully slipped out from beneath Clarke and placed her stationary body on the floor. Lexa's head was running wild, she was desperate, she needed Clarke, she needed her alive. "Come on Clarke, stay with me," she panted as she began to do CPR. "Baby, i don't know if you can hear me, but I need you to fight. I can't lose you again, I can't lose you Clarke. I need you baby-" The brunettes voice was becoming more and more desperate as she kept pumping on the blondes heart, but no movement or improvement was being shown.

"Why Clarke? This is my fault isn't it? I'm not enough, I'm sorry Clarke. I'll do better, I promise I'll be better, just come back to me. I can't lose you too." Lexa's heart fell to the bottom of her stomach as she thought about her words. Maybe it was all her fault. She loved Clarke, but maybe this proved that Clarke didn't love her, not enough to stay alive. Maybe Lexa wasn't worth staying alive for, she wasn't enough for Clarke to want to live. The distraught brunette was oblivious to the ever nearing sound of the ambulance and finally stopped pumping at Clarke's chest, her arms in a burning heat of fire.

"Let me," the boy whispered softly, taking over from Lexa to continue the CPR in hopes that the blonde that lay on the floor would finally open her eyes and breath steadily again. Lexa let her body fall limply to the floor, her eyes falling shut as pain shot through her exhausted body.

Soon the medics arrived and Lexa watched as they took Clarke's pulse and lifted her quickly onto a stretcher. "I'm coming with you," Lexa stated as she stood up, the boy she still didn't really know helping her up. "Only family miss, I'm sorry," the medic replied as Clarke was wheeled into the ambulance and Lexa watched doctors rush around her. "I'm her girlfriend, and I'm coming with you," she replied, a stern look on her face. All she got in return was a small nod as she clambered into the back of the ambulance, taking a seat next to Clarke,holding her hand tightly.

The whole ride to the hospital had Lexa's mind racing. Maybe she shouldn't be here, maybe Clarke did this to get away from her, and all the pain and unrest she brought into her life. She knew it was her dads anniversary but that couldn't of been enough to send her over the edge, could it? Clarke had been through so much and despite the scars left physically and mentally, Lexa thought the girl had slowly been getting better.

The brunette hated herself. She despised herself for not knowing, for not realising how close the love of her life was to jumping off the edge so to speak. All the signs must've been there, but Lexa had been oblivious, thinking that Clarke was beginning to feel peace and warmth, she was oblivious to the fact that Clarke didn't feel the way she did. Even just being in Clarke's presence made Lexa feel safe and happier than she'd ever been, even if memories of her parents flooded her brain, if she was with Clarke she knew everything would be okay. But this made it obvious that Lexa's company didn't have the same effect on Clarke.

Lexa told herself that she should've know. Should've know that Clarke deserved and needed better. Should've known that she would never be able to make the broken souled blonde truly happy. And she blamed that on herself. If only she'd been better, if only she hadn't been broken herself, then, and only then would she of had the chance to treat Clarke like the princess she was. So many maybes and what ifs were running through Lexa's tired head, but it all lead down to the fact that Lexa wasn't enough.

Lexa wasn't enough for Clarke to want to live.

And so in this situation, all Lexa could do, was blame herself.

One medic was sat in the back with Lexa and Clarke, constantly checking her vitals, taking blood and injecting her with different needles. Lexa was constantly whispering sweet nothings, more reminding herself that it would be okay than the girl in front of her.

Suddenly the ambulance came to a stop and the back doors where flung open. It was all happening too quickly for Lexa to understand what was going on. Paramedics took Clarke into the hospital screaming things from every way and all Lexa could do was follow. "She's seizing!" A man yelled loudly, earning lots of attention as more doctors and nurses surrounded Clarke's bed as they ran down the hospital corridors. Lexa's mind was numb as well as her legs but they kept on carrying her after the girl she so desperately needed alive.

They rushed her through a set of white doors which closed before Lexa could pass through after her. "I'm sorry but your going to have to wait here mam," a sympathetic nurse said looking at Lexa with pity in her eyes. "Will she.." Lexa stumbles over her words, "she's going to be alright, isn't she?" The nurse in front of Lexa sighed and took her hands as comfort, "we will do all we can sweetie, the waiting room is over there, we've contacted her mother already. She's on her way, I'll bring any updates when I can."

Lexa nodded sheepishly before turning and walking to the waiting room. She noticed how few people were here today, but the ones who were, were crying their eyes out. The brunette let her legs lead her a little further until she was in the far corner of the waiting room. The girl slumped backwards onto the cold metal chair, shivering at its touch. Feet tingling, legs shaking, heart pumping rapidly, hands sweating, head pounding. Lexa was terrified. She was almost certain everyone in the room could hear her heat beating out of its chest as she tried to focus on her breathing, but she couldn't. The brunette was supposed she had managed to hold it together this long already, but she was crumbling. It felt as if an elephant was sitting on top of her body, slowly but surely crushing it to pieces, but not quite letting her find the peace of passing out.

Lexa's head began to pound faster and her whole being began to shake. Her breathing showed no sign of slowing down, in fact it was only speeding up by the minute. She was having a panic attack. The girls hands were twitching as her body shook, a fresh set of hot salty tears streaming down her face. Lexa's cheeks were bright red, and they were sore. Her head was clouded and it was as if she had completely forgotten to breath as she began to hyperventilate.

"Lexa!" She heard a voice calling her. It sounded so very familiar to the one she wanted to hear right now, but it wasn't her. Lexa managed to flicker her eyes open and watch as Abby ran towards her, tears in her eyes. Abby sprinted towards Lexa, falling to her knees in front of the brunette as she fell to the floor, still shaking. Abby held her tightly, whispering soothing words of reassurance in her ears. She felt as Lexa's breathing began to return to a normal pace, but she didn't let go. The two stayed on the floor for what seemed like forever, just holding each other in their time of need. But all either of them could think of was Clarke, and how they wished they could be holding her this close.