Letters to Joshua

KABANATA 5

Bafflement

3 days na ko dito sa bahay. How come sinasayang ko yung masasayang araw ng buhay ko? The pain does not subside as much as I wanted it to. Nakakainis.

It's 7 am in the morning. Di pa din ako makatulog. My emotions is enigmatic again.
I texted Brian that I'll be taking leave from work. Medyo di pa maganda yung pakiramdam ko and at the same time gusto kong masulit yung stay ko sa bahay.

My body wanted to rest but my mind didn't allow it kaya bumangon na ko para magbreakfast.

After 5 months, wala pa ring pinagbago yung bahay. Ganun pa din yung ambiance; nakakakulong. I cannot consider it as a home. It's just a house consisted of people who live in it. Home is composed of people in a house overruled with love. And that's what our house lacks; love.

Maingay ang t.v. sa salas noong lumabas ako ng kwarto. Nakita ko si Hale with her friends na nanunuod ng movie.

"Good morning kuya! These are my friends. We're watching a movie gusto mo mag-join?" she mirked.

"No."

Dumiretso ako kaagad sa kitchen. Hale knows that I don't want to see girls around. Kaya ganoon na lang siya makangiti. Kasi ang alam niya mababadtrip ako. Binilisan ko na lang kumain hoping that Hale will not anmoy the crap out of me. Pero bigla siyang pumunta sa kitchen. Badtrip.

"C'mon kuya. Gusto ka nilang ma-meet. Tsaka interested sila sa mga works mo."

"Shut up Hale."

"Haha! Are you afraid of girls? C'mon! Hindi naman sila katulad ng ex mo!"

"Don't you dare mention her again Hale. Or else."

"Or else what kuya? C'mon fix yourself! Hindi lang sa kanya umiikot ang mundo. Maybe it's time for you to find another."

"I said shut up."

Tumayo na ko mula sa pagkakaupo sa counter at tumungo sa kwarto. Binalibag ko yung pinto. Is she out of her mind? Nakakainis siya. She knows kung gaano ko iniiwasan yung topic na yun. Then all of a sudden she will use it against me just because I don't want to talk with her nerdy friends? Fuck off. I locked the door and headed to my bed and put my headphones on. I tried to clean my laptop and delete the unneccessary files habang nagpapahupa ng inis ko. And I came up with a folder of pictures with my ex's name attached. Fuck those pictures. I clicked it.

And it felt like it also clicked the crap out of me. Watching her face trapped in my screen. Trapped with the feelings of the past.

I shut down my computer.

Akala ko okay na ko. Hindi pa pala.
I thought I already moved on. But I guess there's no such thing as moving on. I am trapped in this hole she created. Para pa rin siyang drogang gusto kong balik-balikan.

I sighed with confusion. Mahal ko pa rin siya. And it kills me knowing that we cannot be together anymore. It's hard to bring the memories that's already lost. A relationship destined to be broken.

Naligo ako because I planned to visit. I bought some flowers. Yung Casa Blanca kasi yun ang paborito niya. I smiled knowing that she will gladly accept it. Nakakamiss pala talaga siya. Her smile, her eyes, her smell. Everything.

Kabado kong hinawakan ang manibela ng lumang pick up truck ni dad. I used to drive it without his permission back when I was in my first year in college. Tinatakas ko tapos susunduin ko yung ex ko then we're going on a road trip kahit san niya gusto.

Ang alam ko minsan ginagamit 'to ni Hale. Para di masira yung makina. Gusto na 'to ibenta ni dad dati pa but I insisted. Gusto ko nakikita ko pa din 'to. It brings back the memories I once had with her.

Di masyadong traffic kaya mabilis lang yung byahe. Lumabas ako ng kotse tapos inayos ko yung shirt ko. Nagspray pa ko ng pabango kahit na alam kong di niya naman maaamoy to. Para akong shit. Kinuha ko na yung flowers tapos pinuntahan ko na siya.

Nakangiti kong inilapag yun sa puntod niya.

Denelle Ortega.

Huminga ako ng malalim. Umupo ako sa harap niya. Tinitigan ko siyang mabuti. It's been 3 years since she left.

"I miss you Denden." bulong ko.

"I know you can't hear me. But still, I'm trying my best na makipagcommunicate sayo even though alam kong hindi ka sasagot. It's been 3 years Den. 3 years na akala ko okay na ko. Na kaya kong wala ka na. Na tanggap ko na. Pero hindi Den. 3 years na pero tinatanong ko yung sarili ko ng mga what ifs. What if sinunod ko sina dad about taking Medicine? Will I save your life? Will you be healed? Den what if? Paano kung ganoon yung nangyari? San kaya tayo naguusap ngayon? Den what if kung hindi mo nilihim sakin yung sakit mo? What if nagtake ka ng medications? Den what if? Gago ka talaga. Iniwan mo kong misirable dito. Kahit kailan madaya ka Den. Pero Den, miss na kita. Miss na miss na kita Den. Sana sinama mo na ko diyan. Hirap na hirap na kong pangkuhin yung bigat ng pagkawala mo. I love you Den."

Pinunasan ko yung luha ko. Tears won't bring her back. Di ko alam mararamdaman ko. Naiinis ako. Galit ako sayo Den. Coz you know how to shatter me. Galit ako ako coz you chose to hurt me in a silent way. You killed yourself. Hindi sakit yung pumatay sayo.

You killed yourself because you don't want to suffer anymore.

Nakalimutan mong nandito ako. Na kaya kitang tulungan Den. But you refused to ask. Ang sinabi mo lang may sakit ka sa puso. I offered you my help pero binalewala mo lang kasi sabi mo kaya mo. Lahat kaya mo Den.

Pero ang tanga ko.

Malubha na pala yung sakit mo pero hindi ko alam. Akala ko simple lang na kaya lang nating masolusyunan. Hindi pala. Hindi pala lahat kaya mo Den.

Sabi ko magtake ka ng medications but you refused. Sabi mo time will heal it. Ginawa mo na naman akong tanga. Pinilit kita hanggang sa mapuno ka na.

One night I got a call from your mom telling me to come to your house as soon as possible. Tapos nalaman ko na lang na wala ka na.

You killed yourself due to anxiety and depression. Kasi hindi mo na kaya Den.

And until now, masakit pa din Den. I hate you as much as I love you. Tama nga siguro si Brian. I will love you until desolation eats me. I cannot love again Den. I cannot love someone as much as I love you. Masyado na kong durog. Masyado na kong lunod sa thought na baka hindi 'to totoo. I refused to accept the reality. I refused to let go Den.