Love, Yejin

January 4, 1997

Dear Diary,

Today is Saturday... Saturday, saturday, saturday!

Hmmm, why do I keep forgetting the days nowadays? Errr! I think I'm slowly going crazy, diary...

Well, anyway! Hays, I'm here again. Feeling down, confused, bothered... Ahh! I don't really know if what I am feeling is still normal! Last night... Something happened last night diary.

Remember when someone knocked to my door last night? Uhg! It was Bin... I was stunned when I saw him looking so down when I opened the door. It was still seven pm at that time, and his face looks so uncomfy and sleepy. His eyes looked down on the floor, and he didn't say anything when I asked him why he was here... He just slowly walks inside and took a seat in my couch near my closet. You know what, my heart was beating so loud because I thought he was going to sit in my study table. I just left you there wide open, and I was so dumb that I didn't put you in my drawer when I opened the door for him. But good thing that he didn't see you... Oh my god, if that happens, I really don't know what to do!

After I half-close the door, I took a seat beside him and asked him what's wrong... Still, he didn't look at me when I asked that question, so I decided to go out of my room to get him a glass of water or juice. However, the moment I stood up, he grabbed my hand and slowly, he looked up to me... Ahhh! I don't know why I all of a sudden, I really felt very nervous. My ears were burning when he holds my hand. Like, hello? It's not the first time we got to hold each other's hand... But, that time, it feels different. Ahhh!!!! I don't know, oh my god, I feel like my cheeks are now also burning thinking about that again! Huhuhu, what am I doing?

Hmmm, I was kinda... surprised what I felt, so I froze and stayed still standing in front of him while he still holds my hand like waiting for me to take a seat beside him again... I only came back to my senses when he said that "Yej, I think I have to say something to you." Immediately, I shifted my gaze and seated at the end side of my bed. Ehh, I really don't know why I did that! But, but his voice was very deep... Like, I think he's going to say something serious to me. He's not even smiling when he said that.

Well, this is what I've been waiting for, right? That he'll talk to me about what's happening to him, about his lies and why our friendship feels like tearing apart every single day. So I gathered all my courage and asked him if what it is, nonchalantly... I played to stay cool and look at him straight in the eyes. Gosh, my heart even beating rapidly when he walks closer to me and seated beside me in the bed... For seconds, we got silent. Until he said that... "I'm sorry", his head down on the floor, and he clasped his own fingers without looking at me.

Huh? I waited, waited for him to continue his words, but he didn't say anything after that... So instantly, I asked him back for what? I need to know what he's sorry for... Maybe he realized that I am getting mad because my voice raised a little. He glanced at me for a moment, and he stood up... I stood up as well, meeting his gaze... Then, he said something that I really, really didn't expect. I even almost cried in front of him when he said that... Like, why it has to be this way? I am his friend since we were three! His best friend!!!! Why would he do that to me for a girl that he just met months ago? You know what he said, dairy? Oh my gosh, I'm tearing up right now!!! Ahhhh!!! I hate this!!! My heart feels so heavy... I can't take it!!!

Why??? Why??? Why I am so hurt??? My heart is in pain, diary... I didn't expect this to happen so fast! My birthday is coming near, and he's doing this to me? I know I wasn't a perfect best friend to him. I had lapses, I wasn't able to ask him right away when I noticed that he's getting away from me... But, why he'd ask something like that?

His words, they are still repeating on my mind... I can still even hear his voice the way he said that.

"Yej, let's stop hanging around for a while. I know you already know that I have a girlfriend... She doesn't want me to remain friends with you. I'm sorry."

Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! I wasn't able to utter a word after he said that... He went out of my room, leaving me zoning out. How did he know that I knew he has a girlfriend already? My god, what happened when I was in Busan for how many days? It's so frustrating that I can't have answers to all of these... Uhggg, how can I even answer our parents if they'll ask me I'm not hanging out with Bin anymore? Ahhh!!! This is making me go crazy...

Did he see me when I hide in the big tree in front of our house that Christmas Eve? Gosh, I think he really did that's why he went to my room after our party! Huhuhuhu! What should I do now, diary? Does this really happen when you have a boy best friend, and he started to like... or I think he's now really in love to that girl. Because it's very easy for him to say those words to me last night! Maybe, one of my classmates was right... She found out when she sneaked in her parents' room that her eomma and appa were not in good terms anymore, and just pretended to be together for the sake of her and her siblings... She said to us that if she only didn't do that, maybe she still has a complete family right now.

Maybe if I didn't follow Bin that night, this won't happen to us, right? If I just only waited for the right time for him to tell me everything, maybe I won't be crying right now while writing this words in my diary... Right?

What you don't know won't hurt you.

Love,
Yejin