Love, Yejin

January 6, 1997

Dear Diary,

Good afternoon!

I'm writing this at four fifteen in the afternoon. I'm still here on our campus since our class just ended a few minutes ago. Some students are now slowly going out of the school gate ready to go home. Meanwhile, I'm still here, sitting on the bench under the tree in front of our sports ground.

I brought you here to school since I was thinking earlier that if I'll feel lonely during breaks or after class, at least I could write something for you. You know that I don't have my Walkman with me anymore, so I don't have anything to do when I'm alone. Especially now that... You know, surely Bin won't be walking along with me going home.

Anyway... Hays, my first day back at school. Hmmm, how should I describe it? Well, I tried. I tried to act as normal. Earlier at home, I woke up early... I took a bath though it's kinda cold because I want my mind to be fresh before going to school. Even though I don't have an appetite when my eomma prepared my breakfast, I still ate a slice of bread and sausage. You know what, I must be really out of my mind... My eomma was shocked earlier, even me, because I accidentally drink the glass of fresh milk on the table. I just came back to my senses when my tongue felt the tasteless and flat milk. Uhg! It's not that I hate fresh milk, it's just that I prefer to drink it before going to sleep rather than taking it every morning... Aside from the milk is bland, I really don't want to get diarrhea in the middle of our class. Oh, em gee! That would be a real hassle going back and forth in the restroom. Hays! I almost spill the milk in front of Jisoo since she was beside my right foot crawling on the floor. I just tried to show a big smile to eomma and shakes my head when she asked me if I don't feel well... She said that my face was pale, but I just said that I had a bad dream last night and wasn't able to go back to sleep right away... I don't like when my eomma or appa get worried for me.

Since appa and samchon were also on their way to our restaurant, we left the house together and said our goodbyes to eomma and Jisoo. Our little baby cried earlier when I waved at her. Huhu, it makes me feel bad for letting her cry early in the morning, but she's really cute when she cries, though! Hehe... I like teasing her sometimes.

Errr, you know... I hate my samchon earlier!!! Because when we were waiting for appa getting pooty in the garage, my samchon shouted after he saw Bin carrying his bicycle. Oh! By the way, pooty is part of our family... He's appa's scooter! Hehe...

Anyhow... Before, every morning going to school, I always go with Bin especially when he's going to bring along his bike and I always sit at the back. Uhg! I shoot a fire gaze at my samchon, and when I realized that he noticed my lips curved down a little, I immediately looked down... Hmm, I was surprised when Bin called me and said "Let's go, Yej, we're almost getting late." Huh? It got me confused... I thought he doesn't want to hang out with me anymore, or he doesn't want to be with me? Or, is it because he doesn't want our families to know about what he asked from me? Duhhh! He acts as if nothing happened... He acts like he's not hurting me... YES!!! I'm hurt!!! I don't want to deny that!!! Never!!! Grrrr!!!

So, I don't have a choice and walk towards Bin... He didn't look at me though, so I just immediately sits at the back of his bicycle. Of course, I don't want to hold at his shirt, so I just tighten my holds on the stainless steel I am sitting... Uhg!!! I was in an uncomfortable position, but I don't have a choice anymore! Grrr, this is my samchon's fault!!! I really won't massage his back if he'll ask a favor from me...

During our ride, no one dared to break the silence between us. Hays!!! It only made my morning worst when he stopped a block away from our school gate and lets me just walk entering the campus. Huhuhu! Then he said that "Yej, my girlfriend might see us, so I'll just drop you off here. Sorry..." Ahhhhhrrrrrrg!!! Huhuhuhuhu!!! I really want to slap and shout at Bin, but I couldn't! I can't even move my feet after that... :(

Also, during lunchtime earlier at the cafeteria, it's really obvious that he's avoiding me... My spoon fell on the floor, and he didn't bother to pick it up when he passed by beside our table. I hate him!!! I hate you, Bin!!!

You know what, diary... I really want to know about his girlfriend. I haven't seen her yet in school, or even with Bin around here. Hmmm, I don't want to ask my classmates either because maybe they also don't know yet about their relationship. But, uhhhg! I wasn't able to hold back when Minjung asked me earlier why Bin and I seem to like having a BFF quarrel.

I told her that Bin doesn't want me to be his best friend anymore. Huhu! I really hate it because she noticed that my eyes got watery... Grrr!!! Good thing that Minjung comforted me, and she told me that maybe I just need time to accept that Bin needed personal space, especially now that he already has a girlfriend...

I should be happy with my best friend's happiness, right? I keep telling my mind that I should accept his decision, but why my heart says otherwise? It feels like my heart is saying I need to fight for something... Hmmm, our friendship? But I'm not really sure... I don't want to force myself into the friendship that he easily gave up.

Hays! Anyway... I should go now, diary... As usual, I'll go to our restaurant first before going home. My appa told me that he'll cook Bin's favorite soft tofu stew, but maybe I'll just tell him that Bin is still busy practicing baseball and can't have dinner with us tonight... Bye, diary!

Love,
Yejin