Love, Yejin

February 11, 1997

Dear Diary,

Huhuhu! Eottoke? Oh my gosh!

I think I am going crazy, diary... Uhmm! I can't sleep! I've been zoning out, twisting my body on my bed for how many hours now, but my mind, my heart and my body can't seem to relax. It's already two a.m now, diary... What happened earlier was... Uhmmm... Huhuhu! This is going to be quite long, diary, so please bear with me... :(

Yes, I went to the back of our house earlier to meet Bin. Technically, last night since it's already dawn now. I decided to talk to him because I was thinking that maybe he has something important to say to me that I needed to hear... Or maybe, I could remind him again personally that our friendship does no longer exist. I really need space from him, and he should at least give respect to me about my decision.

Hays! You wouldn't believe what happened, diary... Errr! Okay... Uhmmm... When I got there, I saw Bin looked at me directly. His face brightens, and I saw how his side lip curved up a bit... He was still wearing his school uniform. It looks like he just landed home from school.

When I took a seat beside him, I made sure we had enough space for each other. I glanced at him for a second, and his face shifted very seriously after that. He rubbed his palm above his thighs and he clasped his own hands. I can still remember every move he made. He seemed nervous. I felt it because it took him forever to utter a word to me. The silence between us was quite deafening, and it caused my heart to pump so fast...

Until he finally said, "Uhmm... Ye-- yej, I want to say sorry for everything."

I don't know why, diary, but my mind was saying 'Sorry for what? Don't believe in everything he's going to say. He's just trying to be cool'. Huhu! Was it because I'm angry at him? Was it because I know that he's so insensitive? I released a deep breath and stood up... I just don't want to hear any further words from him... What if he's going to say something that would hurt me again? I don't think I can take it if he's going to make my mind and heart confuse again. Saying he's jealous about Go Soo, but he has a girlfriend. I can't, diary... I won't let him blow my mind over and over again whenever he wanted to!

I started moving my feet as I was ready to walk away from him... To go back inside our house, but he abruptly reached my wrist and stood up in front of me. "Tell me you're not hanging out with that boy..." Bin asked straight to my face with his serious voice. Ahhh! I don't know what got me, diary, but I answered him "Yes..." I really tried to say it calmly, but I know my voice cracked a little. Why? Why would I have the need to answer his question? Grrr! Then I immediately added that it's none of his business if I made a new friendship or a relationship with another boy... So I took back my arm from his hold. However, it made me stop my steps when he suddenly said... "Do you really hate me that much, Yej?" Ahhh! Diary... Huh! At least he's aware that I hate him, right? But why it made me uncomfy hearing that word from his mouth? Before I could even face him again, he started blabbering again... "You still haven't figured out how insensitive you are?" Like, whaaaat? How dare he say that to me? Something's not right! I should be the one to ask that question from him!!! Grrr! It made me angry, diary, so I finally faced him again, crossing my arms and said "You're the insensitive one between us, Bin! Don't you ever say that again because you didn't know how you hurt me when you chose Kyo over our friendship!" Ahrrrg! My eyes started to water after I said that, diary... It feels like at any moment I'll break down in front of him, and that's the last thing I'd like to happen. Never! I won't let him see me cry! Huhuhuhu!

You know what? I was so shocked, diary! He answered me... "Are you that dumb, Yej? You still didn't know that you were the reason why our friendship is no longer working? There's really something wrong with your brain that's why your grades were very low!" Ahhhhh!!! I wasn't able to hold it anymore, diary... My hand went up and plastered on his bare face. I just slapped him... I just slapped Bin's face, diary! Huhuhu! For the very first time in our twelve years of friendship... I didn't know that I would be able to do that to him. I maybe have gone insane as well, but you can't blame me. What he said was too much and below the belt, diary...