Love, Yejin

January 18, 1997

Dear Diary,

Hello! How are you? :)

I've missed writing for you... It's been, what? One week? Hehe... Well, nothing much new. I went to school, went home after class, did my everyday homework, eat, sleep and repeat.

I was also brought to the infirmary last Wednesday because my head hurts in the middle of our class. Actually, that's one of the reasons why I wasn't able to write for you for the past few days because my eomma didn't allow me to stay long at night at my study table, or to grab any books or do school stuff before going to bed. I need to finish my homework before the dark skies and stars come to avoid having headaches again... My appa told me that he will bring me tomorrow to an optical clinic for an eye checkup. Yeah, sometimes my vision gets blurry so maybe I really need to go to a doctor...

But... Uhhhm, the truth is that... Aside from my headaches, my heart is still in pain. I think I'm already getting used to feeling this way that sometimes when I'm at school, I felt numb. I felt I am invisible...

Those days with him at school felt like a punishment for me. He's always with her. They've been going out in public. Everyone sees them being together... Every short break, his girlfriend always visits him in our classroom. During lunchtime at the cafeteria, they always sit and eat so close together at one table... After class, he walks her going home. While me, walking home alone with a heavy heart. Yes, I felt jealous... How I couldn't? Everything has changed between us, diary... Though after my birthday, Bin started noticing and approaching me again, pretending like we are okay, it still doesn't help the heaviness in my heart. It only got worse because we treated each other very differently now.

Grrrrrr! Here I am again. Thinking and talking about him... Hays!

Before I go to sleep, he's the one I kept thinking. The moment I open my eyes, he's still the one I kept thinking... Ahhhh!!! Huhuhuhu!!! I'm tired, diary... This should be stopped. I need this to stop. I don't want to cry over him anymore... I want to go back to my normal days, though I know it wouldn't be the same as before anymore since I already lost my best friend... I can't see him now as I see him before. We have a distance from each other now. We are not the same Yejin and Bin before who were inseparable best friends. Haysss!

I need to help myself, diary, right? I am the only one who can stop myself from getting hurt by Bin. Well, he doesn't even know that I am hurting... He's so blind. He didn't even have time to visit me when I was sick last week. He never visits again here in our house even it's just a few steps away from theirs. Though my appa told me the other day that Bin waited for me last Thursday in the morning so I can ride with him on his bike, I know he'll still drop me off one block away from our school gate. Uhg!!! I don't want that to happen again... I don't want to feel stupid like that again. Good thing I went to school early at that time...

Hays! I had enough, diary... Huhuhu!

I also talked to my eomma earlier. We had a heart to heart talk here in my room after we had our dinner. I really tried not to cry, diary... But when my eomma told me "If you feel unwanted and unloved, please move out, baby... You don't deserve it. Even if it's Bin, he has no right to hurt my precious baby." Huhuhu!!! I really break down, diary... I felt like my heart was being stabbed by a new sharped pencil. My eomma hugged me so tight and cried with me as well... I felt bad for her seeing me like that. I tried to be strong in front of them, but I let myself surrender at my eomma's warm embrace... She softly brushed my hair while I was crying my heart out on her chest. Then she told me that I am still young, and in time, I'll be okay... Everything happens for a reason, then she said that I'll learn something from what I've been going through right now. I may not realize it today but in the near future. Hmmm, yeah... My eomma was right! Maybe this will also help me to be stronger. Huhuhu! Time can heal pain, right? I should stand up and move on... I should keep going. Maybe my love for Bin is no good for me...

I can go forward! No, I should go forward!!! That should be the last tears I shed for this heartbreak. Huhuhu!!! :(

Anyway, last Thursday, someone gave me a letter... I'm not really sure though if I should call it a love letter. I didn't open it yet. It was my first time receiving a letter from someone in School... Uhmmm... I doubt if it's from a girl since the handwriting on the initial outside the envelope is quite bad. Haha!

Oh! The initials were... "G.S" Hmmm... Who could that be? Well, anyway... Maybe just one of my classmates that wants to pull a prank on me. Eh! I don't want to give him what he wants. If he's waiting for a response from me, well, he should wait until I'll read his letter...

Hays, my head starting to hurt again, diary... I think I need to take a rest now. Besides, it's already nine in the evening.

Talk to you next time, diary! Goodnight...

Love,
Yejin