Love, Yejin

May 13, 1997

Dear Diary,

For the past month, things were so disorganized in my life. You won't believe what happened to me, my family, my boyfriend, and my friends...

I am at the point of my life that everything in front of my eyes was starting to fall into pieces, diary. Huhuhu! That no matter how you try to live good, to live with hope, faith, and love, everything is not under your control.

Last month, there was a day I was out of my own self. Like everyone around me feels like I've met for the very first time, even Bin and my loving parents. I woke up feeling so cloudy, feeling emotionless, weak, and feeling so weary. I walked downstairs and found some strangers. Strangers that came out to be my family. My eomma, who just finished cooking for our breakfast, walks towards me with a wide smile on her lips. She was about to reach for my arm, but I pushed her away.

Everyone panicked. My samchon, especially my appa. Even my baby sister was crying when they all found out my eomma was already down on the floor. Huhuhu!

I turned my head to my right side, and when I found a door which I presumed the main door, I ran outside, barefooted... I ran around our neighborhood that seems like a different place to me. I felt like the people surround me seeing me like I was a crazy young lady.

I was still wearing my sleepwear at that time. Slightly see-through dress, without a bra and with super messy hair. Huhuhu! I don't know what was currently happening to me. It feels like I didn't belong here. I felt like I was lost for how many decades in this place.

Running, panting, like someone was chasing me. A shadow chasing me that I cannot dare to halt my feet as I was afraid it would get me... There was nothing else inside my head. All I know at that time was, I was being chased for so long.

I felt hydrated, I felt sick, I felt sleepy... and felt so tired that I finally stopped running when I found a place that seems heaven to me. There were swings, green and clean grass, big trees, and slides. I hid behind that big tree, hoping that the shadow won't see me... I leaned my back against it, and let myself calm down my abnormal breathing. Until I slowly closed my eyes... and I felt at ease.

The next thing I knew, I found myself in a room that was so familiar to me. It feels like I was home. I felt secured.

I gasped as I fully opened my eyes and saw a face of a handsome boy looking at me full of love and worries. I get up, pull him closer to me, and hugged him so tight.

It was my love, Hyun Bin.

I remembered everything that day to me and I told Bin about it. He was so worried that he didn't even go away beside me. He sticks to me until my parents arrived at his room. I also told them everything, even though I hesitated at first... I was so scared of what was happening to me.

WHAT WAS REALLY HAPPENING TO ME!? :(

A week after that day, I lost control over myself again. But I was aware of what I was doing... It's just that I cannot stop my body. I cannot stop what I don't want to do and what I wanted to do.

It was Friday at that time, around evening. Just right after we finished having dinner, I picked up the plates from our dining table and threw them all on the floor. I don't know why I did it. My parents and samchon were so shocked. My eomma started crying, and my appa tried stopping me by the hand.

What was worse was, when I felt like my appa was caging me under his holds, I bit his arm nonstop until I saw he was bleeding... Then, I ran upstairs going to my room only to jump through my room's window.

I had a sprained leg. It was horrible. I cried out in pain and when Bin saw me, he immediately lifted me in his arms and tried treating me. That was only the time I calmed down and was able to come back to myself again... Huhuhu!

The next day after that, I cannot move my legs and my arms. Then the following day, I was having a hard time with my words. I couldn't speak clearly. I kept mumbling words but they cannot understand it. One time, too, I was having mood swings. Then next, intolerable headaches, and I kept on vomiting. Until it came to a point that almost every night, I was having seizures. I knew. I was aware, and it was horrible!

My eomma keeps on crying. Huhuhu! I saw it... I saw how she was getting stressed every day to see me like that, and so was my appa. Everything in me was just slowly changing...

Since the last incident, every day, we went to the hospital. At first, I cried because they brought me to a psychiatrist. I was sure I'm not crazy! I was sure I was not hallucinating... We went to different departments in the hospital, met different kinds of doctors... until we finally stopped to the right medical personnel who have found out why I acted that way for the past few weeks. Even though Bin was always beside me, taking care of me along with my parents, I was starting to lose hope. I was starting to lose the faith that whatever condition I may have might be able to kill me.

My doctor decided to admit me to the hospital. They did a lot of tests, asked my parents a lot of questions... and gradually, I feel so weak every single day. And just two days ago, my CT scan result came in. Huhuhu!

Diary, I was diagnosed with Medulloblastomas. Huhuhu! I have a brain tumor, dairy. Can you believe this? This is so awful... You know, all of us cried so hard when we found out about my disease. I didn't even know why, of all people, why it has to be me? We're not rich! My family is not well-off, so how would be able to fight this cancer of mine?

The moment we found out about it, I confirmed why I was not so good at my studies. Why I always kept on losing consciousness at school. And most importantly, why I couldn't remember some things from the past, especially Bin and I first kiss. Everything was making sense now. The doctor told us that my brain cancer was common to children and young adults like me. However, it was malignant. At first, I couldn't really stand everything, but my neurologist had told me that I have a big chance of survival since the tumor hasn't yet spread to my spinal cord and other parts of the brain. I'm still young, and if only I'll trust the medication, and I'll continue to have faith in God, I'll be able to get through with this.

I'm writing this to you at three in the afternoon, diary... I asked eomma yesterday to get you from my room since I really want you to know what was going in my life. But in reality, I want to document this very challenging moment of my life. Right now, I have the perfect chance to write this all down because my parents went to a church, and I told Bin to buy me a beautiful pink shole in the market. Hehe. You know, he even doesn't want to go out and leave me here alone, but I tried getting mad just only for him to buy for it so I can have my me-time right now.

I'll be needing that shole because tonight, I'll have my brain surgery, diary... I am so willing to take the risks because of the loving people that surround me. My eomma, my appa, my baby sister, my samchon, my friends, my relatives, and of course, the love of my life, Bin.

I imagine a big future for the both of us, diary, and I'd be willing to do everything I could just to give him the future he deserves to have with me. I want to get treated. I still want to live a long life with my loved ones. I still want to pursue my dreams in life.

Having a disease doesn't mean it's already the end of the world for you. Having a disease and having an option for it to be treated is only a sign that God has given you another chance to live and survive. :)

Oh, I think Bin is already coming, diary! I have to go now! Please pray that my surgery will be successful and everything will go back to normal after all these happenings. I am strong, and I will keep fighting for my life. Son Yejin is strong, and I will beat this cancer in no time!

Hope that the next time I'll write to you again, I'm cancer-free. Please pray for me, diary! Fighting!

Love,
Yejin