Love, Yejin

January 8, 1997

Dear Diary,

Hello! Uhmmm... I'm sorry I wasn't able to tell you any story yesterday because I got sick. Until now, I still have a mild fever, but thankfully, I'm quite feeling better unlike yesterday.

I wasn't also able to attend any classes today and yesterday because my appa insisted that I should stay at home and take a rest. Though I really wanted to go to school, he said that if I will be stubborn, he will bring me to the hospital for a check-up instead. I just nodded and stayed in my room since I don't want to go to the hospital. Errr! I hate hospitals. I hate the ambiance there, the smell and everything about there... The last time I was admitted to the hospital was three years ago. When I got hurt my right knee because I fell on the ground while learning Bin's bicycle.

Hays! Bin again... Grrr! Why do I always end up mentioning him? I want to avoid thinking about him, but I can't stop it since we were always together since we were kids. He's always been part of my past, and I thought also in the future... But I doubt that it will happen anymore.

Maybe I should really start accepting the fact that we can't always be together, and I needed to stay away from him as well. If he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore, I should really try my best to help myself move on... But everytime I try to convince myself about that thought, the more I am missing him... Grrr! I hate myself for feeling this way!!!

Diary... How to move forward? Should I really move on and just forget the friendship we had for years, or should I approach him and fight for it?

You know, even I'm in a situation like this, I am not feeling well, I still really can't stop thinking about him. Huhuhu! I miss him looking after me like his little sister. Though I really don't like it when he says he just treats me like his sister... Why he can't see me as a normal girl like the others out there? Am I not that attractive to him?

WAIT!!! Oh, my god! Did I say it correctly? Really? Oh, my god, Son Yejin! Ahhhh!!! What's happening to me? Huhuhuhu!

Okay, let's leave with that and just talk about something else... I'm not yet ready to admit that yet. I'm afraid to acknowledge my feelings about that yet. Oh, my! Okay, fine! Let's move on... Grrr!

Anyway... My head still hurts as well as my whole body. I don't know why I got a fever because I rarely get sick. Huhu! I really hope that this won't last until my birthday. I don't want to celebrate my sixteenth birthday not feeling well. I just want to be happy on that day! I want to celebrate life! I want to celebrate God's blessings for me...

My eomma told me earlier when she visited me here in my room to check my body's temperature that appa has been planning to give me a birthday party in our restaurant. She said that I can invite my classmates and friends after class for dinner. Yaay! That would be really fun! From now on, I'll try to focus on spending time with my other friends... Bin is not the only friend I have, you know! Duh!

Oh! You know what, diary... I finally decided to open Bin's Christmas gift for me. I was actually planning to open this on my birthday, but I suddenly got curious. The paper bag is actually here beside me now, on top of my study table... He didn't give this to me personally. He just left this below on our Christmas tree and eomma noticed it when she cleaned our house after we got home from Busan...

Should I open it now, diary? Oh, my... But I am getting nervous... I don't know! Wait, okay! Okay! I'll open it now... Hold on!

Oh, my god!!! Diary!!! Diary!!! He gave me a new Walkman!!! Huhuhuhu!!! And it's pink!!! Oh, my god!!! It's brand new and I know this is kinda pricey because this is new released Walkman from Sony! Ahhhh!!! And guess what??? He puts a song... One song! My favorite 'You are my first and last lover' by Solid. Huhuhu! He still knows what are my likes and what I love! Huhuhu! Ahhhh! I'm so touched!!! I want to cry right now, diary... I turned on the Walkman, and I'm listening to the song right now while writing this... Ahhh!!! :(

This is one of the best gifts I have received ever!!! Why Bin is like that, diary? He makes me feel bad right now for getting mad at him just because he chose to be happy with his girlfriend! Huhuhuhu! Why? My heart is feeling so heavy again! Uhhhg!!! I hate this!!! Huhuhuhu!!!

Stop confusing me, Hyun Bin! Huhuhuhu! :(

Love,
Yejin

You Are My First and My Last Lover
By: Solid
(English lyrics)

"This is the start of our love
Don't say a word
Only the darkness can touch you and me
Lean on my chest
Can't you hear my heart beating for you

In a time without a single person to bless
There's no need to hold your breath anymore
All other directions in my life have ceased
I've completely changed after meeting you

This is the start of our love
No one can get in the way of our story
I can do anything if I'm doing it for you
You're my everything, my first and my last

Don't try to open your eyes
Gauge you and I by feeling alone
Let me hug you
Can't you hear my words saying I love you

Right now it feels like I'm flying among the clouds
I really have nothing to fear now
All other directions in my life have ceased
I've completely changed after meeting you

This is the start of our love
No one can get in the way of our story
I can do anything if I'm doing it for you
You're my everything, my first and my last

Don't say a word, only the darkness can touch you and me
Lean on my chest, can't you hear my heart beating for you
I want to give you my everything, you're my first
And last, you're my everything and my first"