Love, Yejin

January 25, 1997

Dear Diary,

Uhmmm. I don't want to talk directly about what happened to me and Bin tonight... I just got home, diary... It's now very late. It's already eleven fifteen in the evening.

But, uhmmm, well... First, I had fun the whole day with my eomma and Jisoo. I played with Jisoo in our living room and taught her some short words. Hehe, she's so cute because she was really trying hard to mimics whatever I say. Eomma also tried to let her walk alone. Hays! Time flies really fast, diary... I can still even remember the moment she was born. I was an only child for fourteen years. Imagine our age gap? Hehe... Ever since I was a kid, I always ask my eomma and appa if I can have a little brother or a little sister. It's not that I was lonely while growing up, but I also want to experience having a sibling. When I heard that my eomma was pregnant with our baby Jisoo, I was the one who cried so loud, and I was jumping for joy. If you could only see our baby Jisoo, diary, she looks exactly like me when I was a baby. Hehe... Our relatives often say that, and I'm sure she'll grow up a pretty girl like me, right? Hehehe!

Eomma and I also baked a cake in the afternoon. I really thought that baking a cake was so easy, but it's not! You need to be careful with the measurements, the temperature, and etcetera... However, I'm getting more eager to learn harder because I really find it cool and fun. Though my left index finger got a mild burn, it's okay! It doesn't hurt that much, though... And eomma also treated me immediately. It's now covered with a dry sterile bandage. Well, it's part of learning, right? Hehe.

Hays... Bin, on the other hand, arrived inside our house right after eomma and I finished our baking lesson. We didn't notice that it was already six in the evening until he calls me. Grrr! Why do I always feel nervous everytime I see him? Huhuhu! Even he was just standing too far away from our kitchen, it feels like he's going to eat me alive. Yes, he was staring at me, diary, like I did something wrong... Grrr! He's such a bully!

Before we went out, eomma said that we should eat first, but Bin politely told eomma that we will go to Haesook halmoni's street food truck first before going to the fountain park... Hmm, I smiled at his idea because I also missed his halmoni's spicy tteokkkochi, fishcake and dakgangjeong. Yes, Haesook halmoni is his appa's eomma... I am very fond of her because she treats me like her own grandchild like Bin. It's been a while since the last time I saw her, so I was very excited to visit her again! But... You know, my heart pump fast when I thought if Bin was asking me for a date... Like, I really don't have any idea why he wanted to go to the fountain park with me! Grrrr!!!

After I took my pink blazer in my room, Bin and I ride the bus going to his halmoni's place... Huhuhu! I really tried to calm myself with Bin, diary, but he always looks at me. He even guided me when I stepped on the bus, then he said "Ya! Watch out of the stairs, jageun tokki!" Hmmmp! I really don't know what's happening to Bin... Why suddenly he's treating me like that? Uhmm... Okay, I won't deny that it made me a little happy, but it really makes me wonder why! What more is, when we arrived at Haesook halmoni's place, he blurted out to halmoni that I was avoiding him that's why it took us months to visit her again... Grrr! I really hate him why he said that! But I'm happy that halmoni didn't mind what he said, and she just hugged both of us so tight... Errr! I really hold my breath when Bin's arm went around my back. Huhuhu! While we were eating, Bin and I pretended to act like the old days in front of halmoni... Of course, we don't want her to know that something has changed between me and Bin. I just really hope that halmoni didn't notice my fake smiles to Bin earlier. I don't know if I was too obvious...

Well, since the fountain park is only a walking distance from Haesook halmoni's place, we decided to walk going there... I really tried not to step closer to him, but he's the one who keeps on standing next to me! Errrr! I couldn't help but slap him when his shoulder leaned to mine when we entered the gate in the park! Ahhh! That was really tortured to me... I really wanted to go home the moment he laughs at me because he asked why I was blushing so much. Ahhhrgg! I really hate you, Bin! Huhuhu! I don't know, but it feels like an electric current flew so fast all over my bones! Huhuhu! I can't control it! I don't know how! Ahhhh!!! Maybe he noticed that I am getting mad at him, so he stops teasing me... Then he noticed my left finger that has a small bandage. He grabs my hand and looks at it, and asked me what happened to my finger... Grrr! I don't want him to keep on holding me, so I just said that it's a very very very small cut. Then, I instantly avoided his gaze and walks faster towards the benches.

Diary, huhuhu! Why can't you control your heart when the person you love was just a few steps away from you or is it just me? Promise! God knows how I tried so hard to stay cold, to keep my poker face at him, but I didn't realize I was already mirroring his smiles earlier. Ahhhh!!! I was almost ready to give up, diary... Especially when he took a seat beside me at the bench in front of the beautiful fountain.

We were silent. Enjoying the view in front of us... Then, a few moments, I felt déjà vu. :(

That night when I realized that I have feelings for Bin came back to me. My heart was racing, diary... The deafening silence between the two of us was slowly eating me alive. It makes me want to explode to him what is really inside my heart. What my heart was keeping for the past two years. How did he hurt me when I found out about his relationship with Kyo. I am so tired of pretending! I just want him to know, diary... I just want to release it so I can totally move forward. I no longer want to carry that kind of heaviness in my heart.

Yes, I know and accepted already that he doesn't like me. That I am just his childhood friend. He only looks at me like his little sister. I know our feelings towards each other are very opposite. I know who is the person he loves, and that is not me! Huhuhu!

I faced to my left side where he was seated... I was about to tell him everything, but before I could even speak, he said... "I'm sorry, Yej." Ahhhh!!! Huhuhuhuhu!!! It feels like I was slowly melting with the way he said those short words... Yes, I wasn't able to hold back and my tears began streaming down my face! Huhuhuhuhuhu! When he noticed my tears, he holds my arm and he didn't stop asking me what's wrong and why am I crying... I can't... I can't utter a word, diary! It feels like my throat was burning inside... Huhuhu! I was about to let myself lean on his shoulder, diary, but suddenly, we both heard multiple beep sounds inside his pocket!

I didn't even know that he has already that famous device! Yes, he has a pager... I don't know why or what happened because the moment he took it in his pocket and look at it, he ran as fast as he can outside the park, leaving me behind like I didn't exist!!! Huhuhu!!! I felt like an idiot there, crying alone... But when I thought that maybe it was emergency, I immediately wiped my tears and ran after him... Unfortunately, when I got out of the gate, I can no longer see Bin.

My mind was clouding while I was riding the bus going home... I felt like my heart was going to crash when I suddenly think... What if something terrible happened to his eomma or his appa? Huhuhu! I went to their house right away, but when I got there, his eomma was okay and smiling brightly while listening to a drama on the radio... I was about to ask his eomma if Bin already got home, but the moment she saw me, she peeked at my back and asked where is Bin... Why we didn't go home together. I really don't know what happened to Bin, diary! Uhmm, or maybe something serious happened between him and Kyo? What if she saw us in the park? Ahrrrg! Huhuhu! My appa went to Bin's house after he knew that I was there, but I told him that I'll stay for a little...

I waited for him until ten in the evening, diary... Hays, but still, he has not come home yet. His eomma also starting to worry because she said it was the first time that Bin didn't go home that late... What could've happened to Bin? :(

Until now, I keep peeking on my window to see if he's already home, but there's no single sign.

My head starts to hurt again. Huhuhu! But whatever I do, I can't sleep, diary...

Love,
Yejin