Love, Yejin

January 5, 1997

Dear Diary,

Hi, I'm here... I just got home from church with my whole family.

You know, I prayed a lot earlier... I prayed to God that he'll heal whatever my heart is feeling right now. The pain in my heart is feeling me down for the whole day that I can't even eat properly. It looks like Bin's words were tattooed in my mind and in my heart. I want to erase him out of my mind even for a second, but I cannot!

Last night, I had a hard time sleeping... I suddenly thought about our childhood memories, and I cried really hard. How I wish I could turn back time... Those times when the only things on our mind was to play, to have fun and to look for each other. I miss those times with him!

I sobbed hard when I remember the time I was bullied at school. The Spice Girls locked me in the science laboratory after they knew that I am afraid of human skeletons. Without any mercy, they locked me there alone, I was crying, very afraid of the things inside that room. I just seated on the cold floor and hugged my own bended knees while crying so hard. I really hate those girls because I even heard them laughing like evils going away from the lab after they closed the door. Until I heard running footsteps not far away from me... It was Bin! After he opened the door, he was panting so hard running towards me, looking so worried. He caressed my hair and wiped my heavy tears on my cheek with his bare hands while saying "Shhh, stop crying, Yej... I'm here now..." Then he hugged me so tight and carried me from his back going home. He didn't leave me in my room until I fell asleep that night. He holds my hand, and he keeps saying he won't let it happen to me again.

Ahhhh!!! I miss my caring and protective best friend that it hurts my heart so much... I feel like there's a big brick stuck in my heart. Why I am going through this? Do I deserve this?

Earlier before we went to church, I went to Bin's house. I want to talk to him! He can't do this to me just because he has a girlfriend already. You know, I can talk to his girlfriend if he'd like. I can be friends with her, too! Why would she need to take away my best friend for how many years from me? To be honest, I have the right to fight for the friendship we have as well! I've known Bin longer than she knows him... I know his likes! I know his favorite color, food, drink, his clothes size, his shoes size... I know almost everything about him!

Uhhhrggg! But, somehow, it made me realize if I'll do that, it will only look like I'm meddling between their love. I'm a hindrance to the happiness of my own best friend... Huhuhuhu! I don't know what to do anymore, diary...

I only got even hurt when I went to their house because Ruyeon eommoni told me Bin went out and brought his bike. Since I got more curious, I asked his eomma if he said where he would go... His eomma told me that he'll buy something in Duryugongwon-ro... Uhggg! The moment I heard that, I went back to our house and ran towards my room. I cried so hard! You know why? Because I know what is that 'something' he'll buy in Duryugongwon-ro... Bin and I always go there before everytime I want to look the beautiful and stunning arranged flowers in our favorite flower shop. I always love flowers! Seeing them makes me happy... Bin also learned to love them because I always tag him along. Then one time, Bin told me that he'll buy a beautiful bouquet of flowers once he met someone very special to his heart.

Okay, I admit it! I was hoping someday that Bin would give me even just a single stem pink rose... Well, I am his best friend, so I thought I am special to him. But I was just fooling myself! How dumb I am for imagining like that when he even easily gave up to our friendship...

Hays! Tomorrow, we'll go back to school since our Christmas and New Year's break are over. How could I take if he'll ignore me? We're just in the same class, so I'm sure our classmates will notice it. I'm so worried, diary... Please help me cheer up, and tell me that I can do it! Please... :(

Anyway, my eomma just got here in my room, but she went out after saying to me that she can't find my pink wallet. Hays! I really can't remember where did I put it! I was looking for my wallet since yesterday, but I can't find it here in my bag, in my room or anywhere inside our house... Hays! Good thing that I already put my money in my piggy bank...

Umm... Diary, do you think it's okay if I'll ask my eomma or my appa to help me find out why I am feeling like this towards Bin? I'm really, really confused to what I am feeling right now... It feels like there's more than about what happened between us last night. Ahrrrg! I don't know! I think I just need to take an early rest tonight, diary... Besides, I need to wake up early tomorrow since it's school time again...

Goodnight, diary! Thank you so much for always being here with me.

Love,
Yejin