messy sketchbooks

new years eve choices

killer + the sound - phoebe bridgers, noah & abby gunderson (its beautiful) and i feel like it really encapsulates kylo and y/n

a baby. 

a fucking baby.

you and kylo could barley remember to eat and take care of yourselves, usually skipping the main meals and going straight for dessert. let alone look after a child. 

you had a choice to make.

do you keep it, or do you not?

if rey was here, she would know what to do, she would cuddle you, order your favourite takeout and stick on a new crime documentary. but she wasn't here. this was your choice, your future.

you had wrote a list of pro's and con's in your mind, when running over the relief with kylo:

pros: you always wanted to be a mother, the maternal aura radiating off of your skin, the need and desire to do a better job than you had been exposed to yourself. you felt, in that moment, that your true purpose was to be a mother. you wouldn't just be loving and growing this new life, but it would be doing the same to you and him. you could imagine yourself, walking barefoot into the kitchen, seeing little hands grabbing at the plastic spoon that he was gliding into their mouth like a small spaceship. making cooing noises at how innocent this new being was in both of your lives. your heart warmed at the feeling of kylo's hands and arms giving you back massages and kissing your forehead every time you woke from another mothering nap, while the small one was finally resting. you wanted this life, you craved it.

but

cons: you were only 20. your new life had only just begun, you had a new boyfriend, a new home, a new and very up-and-coming job. you were unsure wether you wanted to leave a life that you had wanted and worked your fucking ass off for, for the entirety of your life. the pressure mounting on your shoulders to make a decision was suffocating. hell brought you back down to reality. you had already gotten a loved one hurt from the life you had chosen to live. to god it nearly killed you. you weren't sure if you were willing to put something as precious as a child, in the ever wandering and waiting hands of death and destruction.

these millions and millions of opposing thoughts were consuming your every thought that you had forgotten that kylo was still in front of you with the test

"hello? has my angel stopped working? what are you staring into hmm?" 

"i-" 

he saw the way you were faltering with your words, only recognising the way it was causing you pain to speak due to the fact that he had been in the exact same predicament on the roof when exposing his feelings to you. he knew not to rush you now, not to fill the silence with dead-end jokes, he waited, patiently, until you were ready to tell him what was on your mind. 

"i just don't know ky" 

"about the baby?" 

"sadly. i mean i'm fucking 20 for gods sake, me a mother? at 20? i just can't get my head around it. believe me please, i do want kids...with you. i'm sorry if thats too early to say, but fucking hell i've said it now. i just, every things going so fast, these past few months i feel like have been a nightmare and dream all wrapped into one. i just cannot think clearly right now"