messy sketchbooks

chick flicks & extra cheese

TW: childhood trauma, abuse, drug and alcohol addiction

his question radiated around in your head before you could even gather the courage to begin to speak. what was his sudden interest in you? his mixed messages were driving you insane. fucking you and then leaving you in his bed, then to come comfort and lull you back to sleep after another one of your nightmares. you couldn't handle the conflict that was dominating every thought you had. you wanted the affectionate side of kylo, the side that held you when you were trembling, brushed his fingers through your hair when you were sleepy and the kind to leave his number written on your hand in a desperate want to see you again. 

a deeper part however, liked the emotional cold shoulder he gave you. the part of him that fucked your mouth until you were left clutching his leg for air, the man who surprised you at the plaza and made you come so easily. you ached for the warmth that enclosed around your neck causing you to see stars. 

"well that's a long story" you tried to brush off his comment, not budging at the fact that he wanted to know how fucked up you had to be to move over three thousand miles to strut around in barely any clothing for money. 

"we took the day off remember?" he wasn't letting you slip through his fingers. his eyes gunning you down, wincing at you, trying to prise you open just enough to spill your trauma you'd suppressed and only ever had the courage to tell rey. you took a sip of your now cold coffee one last time.

"i moved here about a year ago with my best friend rey. she works at the diner opposite the fashion house actually, that's when i first started basically lusting after a job in the industry. we've practically been best friends since birth, she's been the only constant figure around for me. i owe her my life, she left her job and girlfriend in carmel to come to here. i begged her to stay, told her i'm a big girl and can look after myself even in this pretty intimidating city. but she wouldn't budge, as soon as i told her, her bags were packed and now here both of us are!" 

"why did you leave carmel? the beaches are lovely, the towns are quiet, surely its a dream location to start a life?" he was asking you questions, you obviously pricked his interest. 

"family." 

"family?" 

your heart sunk at the stories you were about to tell him. arms and legs uncontrollably able to stay still, you looked down at your fingers on your lap, not standing to look at him as you poured your heart out onto the kitchen counter. 

"my mother was an alcoholic and my father was a drug addict. parents of the year! half the time my mother would be passed out drunk on some grocery store wine, she still clutched the bottle in her hands as she slept. she held those green glasses closer to her chest than she ever did with me. one time, she was so drunk she forgot who i was, calling me a stranger, an orphan, some poor child who lost her way. she locked me outside, i had to sleep on the porch, in the rain till dawn until she realised what she'd done. hugging me and telling me how sorry she was, how she'd never do anything like that ever again. spoiler alert, it happened a lot" 

tears started to form in your eyes, trying desperately not to let them fall, you didn't want him to see you vulnerable for a second time. 

"and then there was dad. he was out of the picture when i was born, but came back when i started highschool. mom was so desperate it didn't take much convincing to let his coke head back into our home. for a while, i didn't see the drug use, sheltered me thought he was just so happy to see me all the time. but throughout the months i could tell it was just the drugs making him that way. he was the same as mom, loving their addictions more than their own flesh and blood.i'd keep quiet to rey about it all, mostly spending weekends at hers, leaving them to ruin their lives. it wasn't until-"