messy sketchbooks

shower thoughts

daylight by taylor swift (balcony/thoughts scene) trust me !! (taylor just gives off major 'new york' vibes) 

you couldn't sleep through the remaining hours left till dawn, feeling the heat of his body next to yours, giving you no satisfaction, no protection, just the shrug of his shoulder plates staring directly at you, creating a barrier between your head and the crook of his neck. he kept his back to you all night, like he was regretting helping you off the concrete outside the club, regretting not detouring downtown to take you home, tucking you in and leaving you to sleep off your high alone. you kept your eyes fixated on his body that was breathing in and out, making the covers draped over both of your bodies shift with a subtle movement. you were terrified to close your eyes, dreading another bad dream that would leave you desolate in a place of abandonment; you didn't want to wake up to a cooled side of the bed, the indent of his body still printed, the pillows plumpness a longed memory, you didn't want to wake up to what your dreams always had you fearing. solitude. 

dawn was creeping in through the windows, settling the speckles of light upon the sheets, radiating a glint that was ricocheting off the satin fabric. your hands found your sleep deprived eyes, stinging at the touch, you winced at the pain of your worry. he didn't move for the four hours of rest he disappeared into after the cold shoulder of emotion he showed you. literally. a cold shoulder. the huskiness and abruptness of his "i can't have you sleeping with me all the time" made the familiar sinking feeling radiate into the pit of your stomach. you still didn't know your feelings towards him, but why when those words left his sex deprived lips did it make you feel unworthy of his affection. you began to feel like a burden. him only allowing you to stay because of the inconvenience you caused, the neediness in which you wanted to be satisfied. did he think that because you had only slept with him, you'd grow an unshakable attachment to him? was that the reason for his detachment? your thoughts screaming you awake. you needed fresh air. you needed a fucking cigarette. 

quietly getting out of the bed, watching his torso shift with the sudden weightless bedside, the angelic spell of sleep still not pulling him away due to your sudden removal. you stayed for a moment, watching him still. he was hunched over, one arm resting under his pillow while the other lay lifeless near his chin. his hair scruffy from the hours of him not raking his fingers through it; it was unkept, falling to the side due to his position. you liked it. making him less intimidating. his lips still pursed as usual, the plushness looking daring enough to latch yourself onto and wake him. you hesitated. not knowing wether he'd be happy or agitated at your neediness, again. you gave him one last glance before leaving him still and contempt without you. 

tiptoeing around the living room trying to remember where you flung your handbag in a daze of euphoria. finally seeing it placed on the kitchen counter, you picked up the pack of marlboros, lighter resting between your fingers, you glazed over your texts messages. five texts from rey. 

"hope you got home okay" - 3:20 am

"wait why aren't you at home?"  - 6:12 am 

"where are you??" - 6:32 am

"if you're dead, can i have your heel collection?" - 6:33 am

MISSED CALL: REY 

"seriously. answer meeee"  - 7:00 am

you placed a cigarette between your lips and wandered out onto the balcony that overlooked the awakening city. before bringing the lighter up to your lips to sooth your raging thoughts, your fingers hit the keypad to tell rey that you were safe. 

"i'm not dead. and you can't even walk in boots, so good luck with my 8 inches, stayed at kylo's" 

slotting you phone into your bra, you flicked your lighter and inhaled. immediately relieved by the sensation of anxiety and paranoia dispersing from your body, you rested one arm onto the ledge. watching the sun peak over the skyline, burning your retinas, reflecting off the shimmered windows. you wished this could be how all your mornings were. waking up early, idly finding a cup of coffee or a cigarette depending on how your night was, breathing in the crisp air of the city that was already in motion. the smell of fresh bakeries, the hot steam rising and the vibration of friction from the subway cars wheels on tracks. you didn't want it to end. you wanted to be stuck in a loop of early mornings and city skylines forever.