messy sketchbooks

as you wish...

you stayed in the shallows until the coldness lapped and licked at your naked body as the water became cold to the touch. you ears were pinned since the moment you locked yourself in your own isolation; desperate for a hushed tone of forgiveness at the wooden door that separated you and him, a gentle tap from his knuckle on the barrier was ached for. but it never came of course.

picking yourself out of the porcelain, your legs were shaking. usually you would bite your lip at the reminiscent memories that came flooding back to you; but not this time. sharp, painful grey images struck your nerves; the animal in his eyes, the frustration in his grip and the exclusion of his feelings disconnecting from yours. you wanted to cry but you were running on empty. wrapping the egyptian cotton towel around your bruised body, your hand hovered over the lock. your fingers connecting with the cool metal under your skin, even the sound of the door unlocking made you jump. you crept out of the door into the welcoming sunlight that was now illuminating the entirety of his bedroom. the glimpsed rays were penetrating through his black satin sheets and bouncing off onto each and every wall. you hardly stayed in his room in the warming sunlight.but it was the only place you felt safe now, the golden streaks running over your collarbones and bare feet, it burned the isolation out of your body language. picking up your shoulders from their draped position, you dried off and found one of his work shirts to drape over your body. your high was over, and the come down was dealt with in the tub; now it was time to sleep. you were exhausted and you had a late shift tonight at the plaza.

you went to head to the door, but something was stopping you. you wanted to stay, you didn't want to end up wrapped in your own sheets, hugging yourself into the lull of security. you wanted those satin sheets to caress your body, running the softness over your shaved legs causing goosebumps to appear over every inch. it was like you were trying to see past the legitimate pain he had caused you. you were always taught to see the good in people, even in the monster that you had just been exposed to.

that was when your heart raced, was he still here? past the bedroom door, was he sat on the couch with his head in his hands, dry stains of emotion running down his face? or was he making an apology in the form of brunch? your pain was silenced by your curiosity and fear. without a second thought you opened the last barrier that was holding you back from the truth.

nothing.

empty.

he was gone.

fear struck through your core; last he saw of you, tears were running down your cheeks and a trembling motion hissed at his touch. you felt guilt, he'd left, probably still high, because he couldn't bare to look at the damage he had done.

you couldn't leave now. you wouldn't.

returning back to the room you were so familiar with, your body sunk into those sheets. paranoia ran through your veins as you could feel a slight powdery substance coat your feet. you tried to push down what happened at dawn. it was in the past. you wanted to remain angry at him, leave and never talk to him again. but you couldn't help but run through the conversation in your head. 'you're a fucking hypocrite' . he wasn't wrong; you were exactly that. how could you question his morals when your own sinful actions fuelled the work and rewards he showered you with. the countless nights out, even before he entered your life, were tainted by his touch, his orders and demands. each pill you took was aided by his money, power and glory. in a way you felt like you overreacted; you shunned him for his immorality, but deep down it made you ravenous with curiosity. you hated yourself for wanting to know more, experience more, see the real him in the flesh, in the abyss that was broad daylight.