messy sketchbooks

order 15 with a side of arguments

hi hi my loves !! sorry this chapter is super late ! i have a LOT of work right now so if the updates are a little spaced out its because, your baby getting her smarts is pretty important ! i love you all so much and i am so happy that you are all still enjoying the story!! 

(p.s this is probably my favourite chapter to date !) 

lysm x 

TW: smol blood fetish (it's so small but!)

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you practically ran all the way home, knowing how messy your bedroom was. not thinking that kylo would appreciate the countless pairs of used underwear lying all over the floor, the spilled over foundation bottle on your counter top, the week old sheets or the stuffed animal that had pride of place on the king size. it was a fucking trash site. and you had little over an hour to make it look like a mentally stable persons bedroom.

hurriedly stuffing used clothes into your cabinets, wiping down the mirror that had strategic lipstick marks plastered across it, throwing out the takeout pizza boxes that somehow made their way under your bed and finally changing the satin sheets to the spare cream silk ones that were neatly packaged with the note when delivered.

you finally stopped to look at your handy work, out of breath, checking the time as you went, you had around 40 minutes. running into the kitchen you washed and piled plates and cups that had been left in the wash basin for well over two weeks, threw out the endless amount of empty wine bottles and plumped the pillows to make the apartment look more homely. you peered into rey's room, no way were you taking on that mess. quietly shutting the door and crossing your fingers that kylo wasn't in the mood for a full 'house' tour.

you had just enough time left for a quick shower and shave before he arrived. giving yourself copious amounts of cuts due to your carelessness and getting shampoo caught in your eye for what seemed like an eternity. you paused for a moment, letting yourself breathe and the water finally able to flow over your face. why were you so nervous for him to see your personal life? he new the duality of your work, your past, your present, why were you so nervous to finally let him in fully? let him into the place you called home after searching for one that would hold you in a warm embrace for years. it was like letting a stranger into your apartment and saying 'go wild'. but he wasn't a stranger; he knew you, nearly as much as rey. you left yourself go, falling onto the shower floor, cradling your legs as you tried to psych yourself up for the evening he had planned. when your heartbeat became gentle and back in rhythm, you reached and turned off the flowing droplets of water. letting the autumn breeze that was rushing in through the window, send shivers onto your exposed back, causing goosebumps to form.

slipping on your newest lingerie set over your drying body, the emerald green fabric with dark accents clung to your curves with an ease, you never liked looking at your body in the scantily outfits you wore to impress the customers. you never accepted your flaws, you hated each one. the dips in your hips, the endless trails of stretch marks and cellulite that was printed onto your thighs and waist, the way in which your body ate you up when you sat. but somehow kylo didn't care? he didn't mind that you weren't a stereotypical model who was a size 4 and worked at a fashion company purely based on her looks and not what was resonating between her ears. he was the sole provider that fuelled your confidence, rey also; who always whistled at your entrance to any room, slapped your ass or hyped your selfies up on instagram. but it wasn't until he came into your life that those insecurities were turning more into positives. you took a deep breath and looked at yourself in the mirror; skin peeking through some of the cutouts in the underwear, the sheer lace covering your nipples. the way your exposed stomach wasn't making you want to vomit for once, but instead running your hands over it, accepting your flaws and replacing them with the love in which was felt for you by others. as your fingers trailed around the curvature of your body, it was like saying a gentle 'thank you', 'thank you for keeping me alive, warm and looking fucking hot in this underwear tonight'.