messy sketchbooks

silenced words

promise - ben howard (really set the mood for me) and mariners apartment complex - lana del rey <3

waking up in a private hospital suite to the overwhelming darkness and the whirring of multiple beeping machines, it brought you crashing back down into reality. your vision still hazy from the side effects of morphine and the intoxicating sleep deprivation that consumed you. you scanned the room, trying to find something tangible to make you believe you were still alive and not in some sadistic, isolated purgatory.

him. 

you could only see his outline as the dim light wrapped around his silhouette. he was slumped into the visitors chair directly on your right, body being too broad for the seat, his legs looked as if they attempted to curl up into a ball but failed and resided to being stretched out against the hospital flooring. looking closer, you could sense the exterior of him, sleeping peacefully in his tux, you realised it was nearly morning and that he hadn't left you. wasting no time in retiring back home to change and coming back to visit, but instead staying by your side, the whole night. 

it brought back the flooding sensation of his hands that pressurised onto your leaking wound while the ambulance was being called, his own tears falling and mixing with yours along with blood that was smeared on your entire being. you could almost feel both of his hands pressing again onto you. the way that they collapsed onto your lower stomach with all his might to try and stop the bleeding, stop you from slipping away directly underneath him. the emotion in his actions made you feel something that you tried to bury under your skin from the beginning. you felt the requited love bursting from its shackles of suppression. permeating from his skin onto yours, you could feel the raw emotion of him that was fuelled on by the desire to keep you close.

you winced as you messily tried to prop yourself up, back annoyingly slouching onto the pillows behind you. it was only beginning to get light again but you wanted to watch the sunrise, feel the warmth burn through your retinas and heat your cheeks beyond tolerability. you needed a way to remind yourself that you were still breathing and that the pain you felt was real. 

staring down and pulling your hospital gown up with hesitation, you glared at the stitches that were rummaged through your body with haste. trailing your fingertip over them individually, they were fresh and still unbearably sore. 'bound to leave one heck of a scar' you chuckled to yourself. as you swung your legs over the side of the bed with care, something stopped your permittance to collide your feet with the floor.

glancing down idly at your hands and forearms, multiple drips were lodged with needles into your trembling skin, feeding you whatever was making you question your own sanity and surroundings. the tame feeling that you had awoken to was now being engulfed with an overriding sense of anger and paranoia. you started aggressively scratching at the incisions and with one piercing, quick rip you pulled the iv's from your arms. multiple alarms began to sound, and all your body could do to react was by covering your ears and wishing away the sound. tears began to unburrow once more, rising to the surface and overflowing your sockets. 

you sensed heavy movement from behind as you shut your eyes while rocking back and forth. it was him, you could sense the pounding of his feet on the plastic flooring as he made his way round to your aid. the lights flickering and switching on, the daunting hospital lighting burning through your retinas and exposing your shadowed surroundings.