Remedy | 𝘌𝘳𝘦𝘔𝘪𝘬𝘢

06. Consequences

I have done a lot of things in my life. They were either good or bad. Helpful or not. Useful or useless. I have made a lot of failed decisions but there are still some good ones. Every action has its rightful consequence.

For example, if I don't study hard, I will fail. If I killed myself that night, I wouldn't hear the birds chirping and see the light shining anymore. And I think, what I did to cope with pain is the worst I have ever done to myself.

I pretended she still exists. I pretended everything is fine with her. When in reality, she will forever be gone. And this grave in front of me shows the proof that I have been hurting myself too much. And more pain is the consequence.

The more I turn a blind eye on things, it just gets worse. But what should I do if that is the only way that is keeping me sane right now? That keeps me from doing the inevitable? That keeps me from giving up? Pretending.

Sasha...

I sat on the grass and put the flowers beside her grave. I even put raw potatoes on a basket to give it to her today. I smiled bitterly. My tears do not have the privilege to fall because I won't let them have it. Sasha would be devastated to see me crying over her again.

I can't believe I am still waiting for her. Waiting for her to come visit me in my workplace. To go to school every Monday to Friday. To tell me "Hey, let's hang out tomorrow!". I waited for that every moment of my life. I told myself she is still alive and would come back, smiling. And it just caused me a lot of pain. The situation worsen and it just became more complicated.

How am I still in denial? How am I still so blind? I thought to myself. I tried to let out a smile so she can see that there is some progress in me. That I am healing when im fact, I am not.

"Hey there." I greeted her and tried my best to give off my most beautiful smile. But it instantly fell into a sad curve, hinting pain, frustration, and devastation. All of them combined. And when it fell into a sad curve, my tears started to fall. I can't stop them anymore. They weren't silent cries. They were screams of pain.

Let it out..it'll be gone. I wanted to tell that to myself. I want to comfort and hug myself. Because I already pity this girl that is crying over her friend that she just lost. I already pity this girl, who lost her parents at such a young age. I already pity her. I already pity Mikasa Ackerman. I already pity me...

I had experienced so many loss in my life that my heart just automatically decided to close. Leaving only me in my life.

"In the parallel universe, do you think we are together? Do you think our other selves are happy? Hmm?" I asked her, my sobs are still loud. Hiccups already occured but my cries just won't stop.

"Is there pain wherever you are right now? Do you still feel sadness there? How about disappointment? Or maybe slight agony? Do those things exist in there? Or are you happy, contented, and are your dreams fulfilled?" I asked her multiple questions like she is gonna answer me.

"I would appreciate to hear your voice you know? Take me with you---Uh---I..I shouldn't be saying that right now don't you think? You will trade anything just to come back here so I shouldn't waste the life that was granted to me." I cried. I tried to stop or at least stiffle them but any methods or strategies won't work to lessen the agony.

"I miss you, Sasha. See you around." I said and smiled at her.

______

More problems came. Finals week, bills, work, everything is just too hard to handle. But I should do this to live. I have to live. I have to work hard to pay my bills and my daily needs. An Ackerman doesn't back down easily, right? That is what Daddy taught me!