KittyHazelnut is Weird

I have connected the dots

I don't even know if anyone who's seen the last three episodes of spn even knows this book exists, but I already know this is going to flop on tumblr so I'm posting it here because I had an epiphany. "evermore" (the song) by Taylor Swift is a post-15x18 reflective piece about the inner turmoil Dean faces, complete with a happy fanfic ending by none other than Heller Swift herself. the proof:

"Grey November..."
 Anyone who doesn't think November 5, 2020 was a grey day needs their memory checked.

"I replay my footsteps on each stepping stone, trying to find the one where I went wrong."
This is Dean at the very end of 15x18, breaking down on the bunker floor where Cas once stood. He just keeps repeating everything over and over, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. How did it get to this point? Years of yearning came to such an abrupt end when Cas died for him without ever knowing how Dean felt about him.

"Writing letters addressed to the fire."
Dean prays to Cas every day. Every day, he sends a heartfelt plea to Cas to come back, even if he knows it's never going to happen and that Cas is stuck in the Empty for good now. He's "writing letters" that he knows are never going to see their intended recipient; thus, they're "addressed to the fire" where they'll burn up, never to see the light of day.

"I was catching my breath, staring out an open window, catching my death."
This refers to Dean breaking down and preparing for the inevitability of death because what's the point in stopping Chuck and saving the world if Cas won't be around to see it? (This concept is further explored in a later line.)

"I had a feeling so peculiar, that this pain would be for evermore."
This one's pretty obvious. He didn't think this was something he was going to get over. He thought the pain of his loss would haunt him forever.

"Hey December, guess I'm feeling unmoored."
According to Oxford Dictionary, "unmoored" means "insecure, confused, or lacking contact with reality." This explains Dean's actions in 15x19 and 15x20 perfectly. He puts on a brave face and goes on to face the day, but he's not grounded in reality as he does. In 15x19, he knows he has work to do and that he can't allow himself to get distracted. In 15x20, he's convinced that because there's no world-ending-threat looming overhead, he should be happy. In both episodes, he pushes away every thought and every mention of Cas and the reality he should be facing of a life without him.

"Can't remember what I used to fight for."
This is like the same concept as the chorus. What's the point in fighting if he's not fighting for Cas? But in this verse, more time has passed. The wound is no longer as fresh, but he's just as broken as he was when it all went down because he hasn't given himself the chance to properly grieve.

"I rewind the tape but all it does it pause on the very moment all was lost."
"The tape" is a subtle reference to the mixtape. On a literal level, this line refers to Dean finding the Zeppelin mixtape he gave Cas all those years ago -- finding that Cas kept the tape -- and listening to it over and over.
Metaphorically, the line refers to Dean replaying the events of 15x18 over and over. It's similar to "I replay my footsteps..." except, again, it takes place later on. He has a wider view of the situation. He's not just focused on their last few minutes together; he can see their whole relationship now, the last 12 years, and he's trying to figure out where it all went wrong. At what point was it doomed to end like this? But every time he tries to figure it out, he gets stuck on that last moment, that last "goodbye, Dean" when he realized all was lost.

"Can't not think of all the cost, and all the things that will be lost."
Dean may be good at pretending he's moved on, but deep down, he knows this is going to haunt him to his dying day. Yes, they saved the world, but at what cost? It's not a happy ending if they had to lose Cas to get there.

"Can we just get a pause to be certain we'll be tall again?"
Dean is basically calling for a timeout. He just wants someone to tell him that it's going to be okay, and that he's going to see Cas again and that it's all going to work out.

"When I was shipwrecked, I thought of you. In the cracks of light, I dreamed of you."
Through every problem, through every hardship he's faced, Dean has leaned on Cas for support. Dean would rather have him, cursed or not, you know?

"It was real enough to get me through."
Their love was real enough to carry him through the last 12 years. From the archangel catfight to chopping monsters up in Purgatory, it's been nonstop trouble, but the fact that they had their love was enough.

"I was catching my breath, floors of a cabin creaking under my step. I couldn't be sure; I had a feeling so peculiar..."
This is Taylor writing her post-finale Destiel fanfic. Dean is in Heaven now, after the events of 15x19 and 15x20 and reconnecting with his friends and family. He finds himself in a little cabin in the woods. He's not sure why he's there, but he just had the most peculiar feeling that he was supposed to be -- and not in a season 5 "screw destiny" way; he just knew this is where he belongs. And then he hears that voice... "Hello, Dean." "This pain wouldn't be for evermore..."

Thank you for coming to my TED talk <3