KittyHazelnut is Weird

Update

So it's late and I want to go to bed but I can't sleep because I keep thinking about dance and then I get upset and then I start crying and I'm just a mess and I'm hoping that if I just rant right now I'll stop replaying this in my head because usually when I have a scene idea for a book it'll keep replaying in my head until I write it and then I lowkey forget it so here's hoping I guess but basically this entire update is for my sake because otherwise I'll lie in bed for hours mulling it over like I did last night and I'm not going to spend my summer like this.

So if you forget or didn't read the last update, dance placements came in, and I was moved down in my ballet dance team and stayed the same in everything else, and my mom emailed my ballet teacher and we got a response today and it's honestly just making things worse.

So my teacher said that part of the problem is my performance, because I'm apparently good in the classroom but I keep fucking up on stage, and I just... then why do you keep putting me in the front? In every dance? Usually center, too? Even in the dance we started during comp season when this would have already occurred to you? Where is your logic? Granted she's not the smartest person I've met and there have been a billion times I'd just wanted to tell her she's being a fucking idiot but even tho I'm really passive aggressive I have a little bit of self control.

And if I'm supposedly good in the classroom then maybe, gasp, I should have moved up a level in the classroom? Because I've been in level two for three years now and one level three class a week isn't going to help? And I know I missed a month for the ankle but that was literally just four level three classes? Whereas one girl completely skipped level two/three and jumped to level three this year? So clearly those four classes don't matter anyway?

And then she said that part of it is because I'm been out for a month but I haven't been coming to all the classes, and, quote, "It's not often that a dancer gets to be a fly on the wall in their own classes." Why is sitting out any better than dancing? I will still hear everything you say if I'm dancing? And I've been in level two for three year now? There is nothing new for you to tell people that I haven't hears a billion times? I would get nothing out of this besides sleep deprivation?

And even watching other people dance doesn't help. I could read a book by Cassandra Clare and see what good writing looks like but that doesn't mean I will suddenly become a good writer? I can read a book by Ernest Hemingway and see what a shitty book looks like but that doesn't mean I'll know how to not be a shitty writer? Looking at other's words will not make me a better writer so why would watching other people dance make me better? When it's an actual dance then I can learn the corrections which helps for the performances but the only classes I didn't go to were the ones where we didn't do any of our dances? And it would be one thing if it's new material that I'm missing but it's not? It's the same shit I've been doing for three years? I'm just fucking bored of it?

And then she did mention my ankle, just like I knew she would, but she specifically said my ankle was part of the reason and then said she's not holding my injury against me? Um? What does that even mean? Yes you are holding it against me or that wouldn't be part of the problem? What is logic?

Yeah so I dropped that ballet team cuz it would be fucking stupid.

And then my second favorite teacher at the studio is leaving because she got a job as a second grade teacher a few states away so she'll just be setting our jazz piece and leaving but I don't want her to set a jazz piece. I want a lyrical piece because her lyrical choreography is beautiful and it won us the highest score for our age group at one of our comps this year. Then the teacher who choreographed our jazz dance last year is now choreographing our lyrical (?) piece which sucks because I don't really like her or her choreography (and we all hated our jazz dance with a burning passion so I guess I'm not alone on that) but not only is she choreographing one of our dances, but she's apparently taking over our technique class for the teacher who's moving and I just want to fucking die. I'm this close to just dropping all my classes except hip hop because I already know this year is going to suck so fucking much.

And you know what sucks even more is there's now a jazz team, and I would love to join the jazz team cuz it's my whole squad from my hip hop team and taught by my hip hop teacher who's my favorite even though her choreography is very much centered on the guys. But the jazz team is only for the people who only take hip hop, which I think is because they don't have the technique aspect of dance down at all because none of their classes really need it and this is the teacher's way of teaching them proper dance technique outside of hip hop but I really want to join that team with them anyway. I probably could if I dropped all my ballet and normal team classes and just did hip hip and jazz but I can't do that because a) I've been dancing too many classes for too long and b) I need to be a busy person because it apparently looks better to colleges and I already know where I want to go to college (not the school but the area) and I don't want to risk not being accepted to any of the colleges around there and my grades have been plummeting all year because it's the worst year I've ever had mental health wise and honestly this is just too much work and life is really stressing me out right now and part of me just kind of wants to die so I don't have to worry about it but part of me doesn't want to die just because I've dedicated the last sixteen years of my life to not being a fucking failure and even if it's not working I can't just give up the last sixteen years of my life's worth of work

So if you read this far I am sorry to bore you with my life but I'm hoping I'll be able to sleep now that I've ranted for a solid thirty minutes and I'm too tired for this shit and honestly will someone please just shoot me k thx