Dangerous Love

Chapter 31

I couldn't keep it from Jessica this time. I just couldn't. It broke her heart when I didn't tell her about the cancer from the start, so I didn't even want to think what this would do to her. I sat on the sofa, as still as a mouse. Not wanting to trigger anything else. I glanced at the clock a dozen times every minute or two, eagerly waiting for Jessica's set to end. If I didn't tell her straight away, I'd find a way to talk myself out of it.

Just as I was losing the will to live, worrying about what I'd do now, footsteps and voices came from down the hall. I stood up, swallowing loudly. She looked so happy, sweaty but happy. I couldn't let this distract me. I came out with it, there and then. ''Jessica, I have to tell you something.'' I blurted out, her face dropped.

''What is it?'' She dropped the soft, white towel onto the sofa and held me at arms length. ''Baby, tell me. What's happened?''

''When you were on stage I couldn't breathe. My lungs closed up and I felt really bad.''

''Shit. As bad as other times?''

''Worse.''

''Oh god. It's good you told me. We need to get you to a doctor straight away,'' she declared, grabbing her phone and rummaging through her bag. ''We'll get an earlier flight home and head straight for the hospital.

''Jessica,'' she stopped what she was doing and her face filled with sorrow. I sat down next to her on the sofa and wept into her neck. ''I'm scared.''

''I know you are, beautiful. I know you are.'' She ran her hand up and down my arm, kissing me lightly on the top of my head. She did this for a minute or two, which managed to stop the flow of tears. However, I could hear her sniffling too.

''We don't need to get an earlier flight. We can keep the one we have now.''

''But you need to see someone as soon as possible.''

''We both know what they're going to say. And quite frankly, I don't want to hear it coming from them.'' Blunt, but true.

''You can't leave yet, and you won't. You're strong and you can get through this. You have ages left in you. You're my soldier and I know you can do it,'' she motivated me, stressing every important word.

''Can we get onto the bus and sleep on the way to the airport? Honestly, I just want to dream and lay in your arms.''

''Of course we can. Are you ok now?'' We stood up, preparing to leave.

''I feel a bit better. Physically that is. Emotionally? Don't get me started.''

''Grab your belongings and we'll head out of here.''

''My bag is over there with yours, my oxygen tank is there. Everything else is on the bus.''

''Let's go then. I'll get someone to carry the stuff,'' she wafted her hand in the air, making it out not to be a big deal. It was weird, she wasn't one for making everyone else carry her stuff and do the things she and I were perfectly capable of doing.

''I can do it.''

''No, I'm sorry Emelia but I'm not risking anything.''

''You carry them then?'' I poked my tongue out, trying to lift the mood.

''I would, but,'' she sheepishly looked to the floor. ''I'm going to carry you!'' She screamed before lifting me up into her arms. I squealed as this was very unexpected. You see, I forget that some people are actually quite strong. I've never been one of those people, this illness just makes it worse. I really should have gone to the gym with Jessica!

She still made me happy when I was sad. That's a talent. As we were walking down the corridor, I pecked her cheek, securing my arms around her neck. ''I love you.''

''I love you too,'' she smiled, still looking gorgeous from the angle I could see her at.

''But I swear if you drop me--'' I didn't get to finish, before she laughed and told me to be quiet. She wasn't going to drop me, she would never let me fall.

*~*~*~*~*

We were on the plane back to England now. It was night time and so everything was pretty quiet. The air hostesses had previously brought around some beverages, and so I was drinking a hot chocolate, whilst writing to my mum.

'Mum,

Isn't it ironic that the times in life where we feel most free, we are closer to pain than we ever have been before? Do you know why? Because we're happy. You feel the saddest when you've been happy and then suddenly you've been shattered. The mirror of happiness is broken and all that remains is shards of broken glass, fractions of good times. The frame is left hollow, empty. Isn't it ironic how that's how you then feel? I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I guess I just think that life makes you fall when you're up. It knocks you lower than before, making it harder to get back up.

I'm just waiting for the day that people's hearts are no longer broken, and cancer is just a word, a six letter word with no strings attached. A memory, a bad one. You know, I've been strong for so long. It's been so long, that I sometimes forget that it's ok not to be happy. I can feel upset and not want to be here. Jessica taught me that. It's ok not to be ok. It really is.

I should probably stop talking in riddles now. No matter how many metaphors or fancy words that I use, they'll never be able to cover up and hide the fact that I'm dying. I was dying before, yes. But it's becoming closer to reality than just a bad nightmare now. Cancer fucks a lot of people over, and sadly I'm one of them. I'm not going to bathe in denial, it's the truth and sometimes it hurts.

You get over it.

You accept what can't be changed.

And you live for what you have left.

And you love.

So much love.

Emelia x'

A/N: I have had so much school work, so I'm sorry about the lack of updates. I didn't check this because I wrote it quickly (before history homework!) I will write another chapter for Hero during half term, and I will update this either tomorrow or Friday. Thank you for reading. Please comment, vote, read, etc. :)