Epilogue I

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AN:
Dedicated to our beloved JK
보라해

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Jungkook first person POV:

I wake gasping harshly in the unwelcome and hostile dark and gulp down needy breaths of air. I've never been afraid of the dark, never needed to keep a light on at night, but now as the days seem to lose their light as well, I start to drown in the ever-present dark.

Every night it's the same series of nightmares, and every morning I wish I were still in them rather than face the horrible truth: That my soulmate left, and is far out of reach.

It's only been a few weeks since she left, but already I feel as if I were dying without her. No longer can I find her in the gym after work, no longer does she stay at the dorms with us, no longer do I wake with her in my arms, no longer is she waiting for me up on the roof.

Sometimes I think that nights are the hardest, but then the day comes, and if anything, it's worse. And now, I've come to realize that there's no time of day when it's easier, but an unrelenting pain.

There are brief moments of happiness and ease when I call and FaceTime her, but the second we end the call and I'm left alone again with an ocean between us, I feel a thousand times worse. In a way I prefer texting. At least then I can pretend that it's no different than when she was here and we would stay up late messaging each other. But deep in my soul I know she's out of reach.

I know everyone's worried about me. Managers, stylists, and even Doctor Cho who they brought in again to check on me after she left. I know my weight has dropped again, I know restless nights are all that I seem to get these days, but I can't find it in myself to care.

But since she left, I haven't been able to drag up one shred of blame to place on her. Not resentment for leaving, nor heartbreak for staying there, only longing and a grief-filled need.

Wherever she is, she is perfect to me. Whether out in public, in the practice rooms with me, working in the gym, squished on the sofa as we watch a show, propped up on my bathroom sink, laying in the grass on a hill just outside of the city, snuggled up in my bed with me, wrapped up in my arms, or even far away in LA, she's my soulmate.

My soulmate who I unknowingly rejected but wished for all the same, my soulmate who I couldn't help but be as close to her as possible even apart, my soulmate who I fought for and she for me, my soulmate. Mine. And no matter how much space is between us, I will never let go.

And so I fall back to my covers, and curl myself into a ball, imagining her in my arms.

The nightmares are filled with horrific moments: her leaving again or getting hurt, becoming gravely sick, and sometimes even dying. But at least in those moments of restless sleep, I can see her again, and even hold her in my arms.

And as I drift back out of consciousness, I find myself reaching out for my soulmate who no matter what I do, will always be out of reach.

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