The Definition Of Forever (Inked Hearts 1)

Epilogue II

AN: 

Dedicated to my beloved Rue, who is and forever will be a part of me.
사랑해

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Diana first person POV:

Sitting under the shade of the large umbrella shielding me from the sun, I stroke Cookie in my arms and stare blindly across the patio at the empty table. I can still see him there, sitting with the rest of them, laughing and smiling... Though I know it's all in my head.

A waiter walks by cutting through my gaze, and after I blink, they're gone again.

I don't know why I keep coming here. I know that he won't be here, and no matter how many times I keep coming back, it will never change that. He's in Seoul, far far away, and yet still I come here.

But this was the place we first met, and I can't seem to keep away.

**

I'd heard the tales of what it's like to be away from your soulmate after bonding, to be apart and separate for long periods of time. I knew it was going to be hard, but I guess I just never thought about how hard it would actually be.

I suppose I thought it would be like a cut in my chest. A cut that would bleed when seeing other soulmates together, and reopen when I lay in bed at night and no longer felt his warm securing arms around me. But I was wrong.

Instead of a cut, an inconvenience that I would have to work around, it's like a weight, a fog, covering and pressing down on me every second of every day. A hole in my mind is how I would describe it to most these days.

Imagine sitting through an important work meeting when your mind won't focus. Imagine eating a delicious meal with your friends and not tasting a single bite. Imagine going through every moment of your day only half there. Imagine dropping your heart into the depths of the ocean, and watching it sink down into the dark abyss, leaving you hollow.

After the first month, it got easier though. I stopped laying awake at night, staring up at the ceiling for hours. I stopped staring off into space as much and being able to stay present in the conversation yet again. I was able to taste food again and regain some of the weight and muscle I'd lost, vital to my work. But the day hasn't come where I can look at a pair of soulmates without the sharp prang of sadness and jealousy in my aching heart.

And still, I learn. I suppose one would think that a person my age had already learned how to live my life, and truth be told, I did, or at least, I thought I knew. But being with him made me see how different life could be and how completely blind I'd been before. But from the moment I left, I no longer knew how.

**

A warm breeze flutters through the courtyard, and a few strands of my hair get tossed up in the wind and dance around my neck before settling back down again, and I feel my heart clench as one strand brushes around my tattoo.

My arms start to shake, and Cookie picks her head up off of my arm to stare at me with sad eyes. She too likes to come here. And together we sit at our usual table in silence, staring at the table where he once was.

A few weeks ago, one of the waiters saw me staring at it and asked if I'd rather be seated there instead. But I just couldn't do it, couldn't be at that table with him absent. And so, instead, I sit with my dog in my lap, staring at the empty chairs.

May and Leo asked me a few times if I'd like some company here, but I told them I liked the solitude and they'd left it alone. The truth is, I just don't think I could ever bring anyone else here. This is our place.

Looking back on my time in Korea, I realize just how fast the year went by. I never really thought about it while I was there, but I guess you never do. You never realize how much you love and need something until it's already gone.

My time there was short. And our time where we were actually together was even shorter. But no matter if we had years, a few months, or a mere minute of time, I'm grateful for all of it.

Part of me wanted to race back the second I landed on American soil. But I knew that I couldn't. I still can't. No matter how much I miss him and crave the feel of his arms around me, I just can't go back yet.

Even when I wake up shivering and alone, even when I turn my head away from the happy soulmate couples around me, even when I come to this place I know he'll never be, I don't go back.

Not yet... not yet...

Unclenching my fist, I reach my fingers up to my chest and reach for my necklace. Since he gave it to me, I haven't taken it off. To do so feels... wrong. The necklace and one or two of his hoodies are all I have of him here, and I just can't seem to give it up even for a short minute. So the chain remains around my neck. And I look down at the empty spot on my wrist.

At home, I have to wear my bracelet or risk our viewers noticing and asking questions. But for whatever reason, I always find myself taking it off when I come here and leaving the skin bare save for the ink permanently marked there.

I used to hate it. Beautiful as it was, I hated it. And hated myself for it.

But now I think back to when Jungkook would kiss over it and smile at me, telling me that it was alright, that it was beautiful, and I find it in me to smile, separated as we are.

My real tattoo, still covered and hidden from the world, remains tucked away behind my ear and shoulder-length hair. Sometimes I think about growing it out to a length where I can put it up effectively and show off my real tattoo to the world.

But we're not ready for that yet. Not with his company, nor this distance between us, or the results it would have on my friend. Grown as we are, the consequences wouldn't be nearly as bad. But the time's still not right.

And so I'll keep my secretive hair, and hide away my tattoo. Keeping my wrist exposed, I'll let the world believe the lie and view my tattoo as real. If only for a bit longer.

But in my dreams, there will come a time when I don't have to hide it anymore, when we can shout it out to the stars and be back together as we were always meant to.

Now is not the moment to be wishing for distant visions, now is not the time for such far away hopes. But I know someday those dreams will become my reality. And that knowledge, harboring deep within my soul till the time at last will come, that faith that not even the greatest distance or time could ever break,

That, is the definition of forever.

- The End -