The Other One(STOPPED WRITING)

Chapter 71: Love.?

I woke up pretty early today. I mean, the huge window wouldn't exactly help with keeping the room dark. As soon as the starts rising, the sunlight will be beaming into the room.
But now, I was in this weird room. Well, it wasn't weird. But it was nothing I've seen before.
"So.. what's gonna happen?" I ask.
T'Challa explained to me that his sister, Shuri, would be doing this process to help me. I'm not to sure on how, but it's supposed to "remove the words from my head", or whatever that means.
"You will be asleep while I fix you." Shuri explains.
Well, that's a great explanation. I have no idea what they're actually going to do to me, but if it's going to help me, then I guess it's fine.
"Are we doing this now?" I ask.
"Not quite yet. We are still preparing everything." She answers.
So.. why am I here this early? I mean, not to sound rude, though.
"Do you have any questions about this?" She asks.
Um, yeah. I have a lot of questions. But I'm not really in the mood for a lecture on what's going to happen.
"Nope." I lie.
"You have zero concerns? Absolutely none? So, you wouldn't want to know if I'm tearing your skull apart?"
"I'm sorry, what? You're tearing my skull apart?"
I couldn't tell if she's joking.
"Of course not. Nobody would volunteer, anyways."
Obviously. Nobody's going to volunteer and say "oh, yeah, tear my skull OPEN." People don't do that, that's crazy.
At least, I hope people don't do that. I don't even know anymore.
"I'm joking. I'm joking." She says, seeing how concerned I was.
"Yeah, I hope so." I mutter.
I hope she didn't hear me, I guess I sounded kind of rude. I wasn't trying to be, but I was exhausted and confused.
"If you don't have questions, you're free to explore Wakanda."
I nod, trying to seem somewhat nice, and leave.
It was easy to get lost in this place, for it was huge. I couldn't even find the way back to the room I was staying in.
Great.
Every turn I took, I just got more lost. But, eventually, I did find my way back. They should really have signs in this place. Heck, it took me a couple month to find the way around Stark Tower. This would be even more complicated than that.

I make my way back to the room, and open the door slowly. It was only 6:15am right now, so I didn't really know if Loki was awake yet. I walk in, expecting him to be awake. He was usually awake pretty early. But, instead, he was asleep with Frigga the snake.
I should probably try to get some more sleep. I kept waking up in the middle of the night, so I got, at most, 4 hours of sleep. I was exhausted. Whenever I woke up, I didn't fall back to sleep for what felt like hours.
I sneak my way back to my bed. I hadn't changed, I'd just stayed in my pajamas and threw my hair into a messy bun. I throw the blankets over myself, and lay my head on the pillow. I would probably wake up soon, if I fell asleep. The sun would be coming up soon, and then I'd wake up.
Before closing my eyes, I take one last look at Loki. He lay on his back, not allowed to lay on his side because of the wound, hugging Frigga tightly. He looked so peaceful when he was sleeping.
...
It's blurry.
I'm walking down a hallway, and I can't even think.
I'm heading toward a room. My room? Yes, my room. Inside, was Loki. He was laying down on the ground, unable to get up. His wound prevented him from doing so.
I have to finish my task.
What's the task?
I can't seem to think, I'm not even in control of myself.
It's blurry, he's trying to speak. I can't hear much of it. I can only see him a bit.
"I have to." I say.
He was telling me not to finish my task. He wanted me to be a good person, and fight whatever was happening. But this was me, right?
The winter soldier doesn't leave a task undone. The winter soldier doesn't feel love, or be loved. That's what makes things so easy.
"Do what?" He asks.
What was my task? I said something. I told him something, but I couldn't realize what I was saying. I'd told him my task, but I couldn't even remember what I had just said it was.
Soon, full of confusion, my hand wraps around his neck. I have to hurt him, right? I have to. It's part of the task. Do I kill him? Or do I almost kill him?
Why is there a small drop of water running down my cheek? A tear? I don't cry over victims.
I said something again. I can't comprehend what it is, though.
"Stop." I hear him choke out. His face was blurry to me, I couldn't see him well. He looked like he was in pain.
I was hurting him.
His breaths get slower, and more shallow.
He tries to speak to me.
Why would he want to speak to me? Why does it matter if I am the winter soldier or not? I am the winter soldier, and I have to do this.
But I hear him out. I listen to what he's going to say. Nobody ever talks to me.
"I love you." He whispers. What?
Nobody loves me. Nobody loves me at all. Then why did he say it? Was he joking? Surely he couldn't mean it, could he? Who can love a winter soldier? A murderer? Why did this matter so much to me?
I let go of him. Everything was weird. I wasn't in control, yet I was? It's like I'm changing? I don't want to be somebody else, I have to finish my task. Even if the person I must hurt loves me?
And then, I black out. Hit.
...
I wake up, in a sweat. I just remembered. I just remembered what happened when I wasn't me. Well, some of it, at least.
It couldn't be right, though.
Maybe being punched in the face was correct, but why would I stop hurting Loki, if it was my task? Why would he say he loved me?
It had to be a dream. It had to be.
"Are you alright?" I hear Loki say. He was awake, and next to my bed. I didn't even realize he was standing there. How long was he standing there? I was probably muttering in my dream. I dunno. How was he standing there? Maybe I scared him, from muttering and moving around too much. He was holding himself up, though, with the side of my bed.
"Yeah. Yeah, I- I think I remember what happened. Or, I don't. I don't know if it's real or not." I tell him.
"Loki, I did say something, didn't I? And you said something too?" I ask.
Now, he'd have to be honest. I remembered, I think, and he'd have to tell me what happened.
"What happened when I wasn't in control, Loki?" I ask.
He looked like he didn't know what to say. But I needed to know if what he said to me, or the winter soldier, was true. I needed to know if what I saw was real. I mean, it felt real.
"You were choking me." He answers, simply.
"Yeah, I kind of figured. But what did I say?"
He stands, avoiding eye contact with me, silently. Honestly, what was so wrong with telling me what happened? What's the worst that's going to happen?
"I was telling you not to do it." He answers, quite simply again.
"Do what?" I ask.
Do what?
"Hurt me."
"But why was I hurting you, did I tell you why I was hurting you?"
He swallows hard, and continues not to look at me. What the hell was even going on?
"Yes." He answers.
"Then what was it?"
"You must've had the wrong person. You must've been looking for somebody else." He claims, before telling me what I said.
Sure.
"You said.. you said you had to hurt the ones you love most.." he mutters, "So, you shouldn't have been hurting me."
Oh my God. Why didn't he tell me? I asked him twice if I said anything. He lied to me. I mean, I don't get why, but it's not a big deal. He told me now. 
Hurt the ones I love most.
Steve was right. I did have to do that. Did I honestly love Loki? And why does Loki think I had the wrong person? That's not really the way it works, I think.
"And then, what did you say?" I ask him.
He shrugs, lying, "I didn't say anything but to stop."
"But how did you get me to stop?"
I knew he was lying. My dreams don't lie.
"You just stopped." He lies.
Honestly, why wasn't he being honest? I mean, maybe my dream could've actually been wrong. Maybe he didn't tell me that he loved me. Why would he, anyways? He didn't love me, right?
But I know he knew more than he was saying, even if my dream was wrong.
He was doing that thing with his hand again.
"No, I didn't. Loki, how did you get me to stop?" I say, standing up.
"Please, just tell me. I don't care if you hurt me to get me to stop, I just need to know if what I saw was right."
"And what do you think you saw?" He asks.
"Loki, you said something to get me to stop, and I need you to tell me what you said to know if it's true. Please, this is important to me."
He stays silent for a few more moments. Whatever he said, he didn't want to say it to my face again.
I don't even know if my dream was right.
"I said nothing." He says again.
I was getting a bit irritated now. I was never irritated at Loki. But he wasn't telling me everything, and I could tell. Not just because of the dream, but because of the thing he does with his hands. Plus, he's avoiding eye contact with me.
"Stop it, please. Stop lying to me. I know you said something, what was it?"
"It was nothing important."
"Loki, just tell me! It's just a few words, what was it?"
"Nothing."
"Tell me!" I say, a bit too loud. He looked a bit shocked that I raised my voice, but he raised his a bit too, "Fine! Fine, I did say something. I told you that I love you, because I might actually! And I hate every moment of it because I know I'm not worthy of any sort of love, especially not yours!" He shouts.
What?
"Is that what you wanted to hear?!" He asks, sitting down on the bed. Him shouting didn't help take away any pain.
He can't love me, can he? I don't know what move to make next. I have no idea how to respond to that. I can't tell if I felt that way for him. I can't. I don't know what love should feel like.
"I-um. I need some air." I say, rushing out of the room.
How do I respond to that?