I'm in love /Q.G/ part 2 (:

DESTRUCTION

It's been like maybe 3 or four days I don't even know anymore it's all a blur
These past few days have been well not fun
I haven't left my bed since five or whatever days ago I've felt all the emotions
Sad mad anger furious hurt
I've barely moved from the left side of the bed
Our room is a mess everything is everywhere
I've ripped off our sheets and blankets off the bed the only pillow left is Quintons
I fall asleep cold and lonely starving crying but still I wake up wrapped in warm blankets with a pillow under my head
I like it I know Quinton put it there showing he's there for me but I push him off I wake up and take the blanket and throw it back in the floor I take the pillow and throw it against the wall and I just sit there watching the wall my phone constantly dinging of notifications
I ignore it mostly I know people are trying to get to me because they saw me coming out of
The hospital they new about the baby and yet no baby I have no new baby posts
Quinton comes into the room every so often to check on me he thought he'd give me the space I need because the last time he touched me I hit him
I know I HIT him my felt so bad after but I got over it I didn't care anymore
I slapped him in the face
I remember he came to me and kissed my head and hugged me
I put my hands up struggling to push him off
He asked me what's wrong and and I yelled at him to get off me and he did  a little bit but I just hit him he looked at me jaw dropped I felt bad and tears formed I looked at him and he said it's ok knowing it's not

——
I wake up and rub my eyes
I look around at the mess I'm still here
I can't take this reality
I raise up in the bed and stare off at the wall
About an hour later Quinton comes in and showers
He comes out later dressed in shorts and a hoodie
He sits on a chair and puts his shoes
Quinton: good morning
I shrug
Quinton: ok well I'm going to the store
I give him a thumbs up
He sighs
Quinton: anything specific you want
I nod no
Quinton: ok I'll be back in a bit alright
I thumbs up again
He walks over to the door
Quinton: I love you  chlo
Me: 👍
He shakes his head a bit walking out the rom and leaving
Once he's gone I bust into tears I cry and cry until I can't take it anymore
I cried until I threw up
I ran to the toilet
I finally stopped and clean my mouth and brushed my teeth for once in a few days
I looked in the mirror my hair was all tangled and matted my eyes were red as fuck and my face looked like shit I still had the same mascara stained face from 5 days ago
I fall back sitting in the floor
I look under the cabinets through everything
Until I find my very last blade I have left that Quinton never found it was wrapped in a note
I didn't bother reading it I knew exactly what it was
I only said to not do it I had to much to live for but that was when I was 17 and I had just had Arden and he looked so precious and I wanted to make sure he had me for as long as possible
I took the paper and blade and cut the paper a bit to make sure it's still sharp it is
I pressed it against my skin the pain felt so good reliving me of reality
I press harder and moving it making a cut
I move over and do it again and again and again til I have like 6 different cuts on my right arm I move to my left and only do three before I hear a door open and Quinton yell
" I'm home baby"
I quickly put the blade back and I'm gushing blood
I pull my hoodie sleeves down and and don't bother cleaning the blood in the floor
I leave the bathroom attempting to run back to the bed but Quinton was right at the door and stopped me
Quinton: what happened
I shake my head no and push my way to the bed
He looks in the bathroom and I put my head in my hands
Quinton: what's this why is there blood on the floor Chloe
I don't answer him
Quinton: Chloe Alexis Griggs this better be period blood or your in trouble
Me: ummm
Quinton: it's not your period so wanna explain
Me: it's nothing my nose was bleeding
Quinton: prove it let me see
He walks over to me and touched my nose
Quinton: hm no blood now the truth
Me: I told you it's my nose I cleaned it up
Quinton: mhm then what's dripping down your arm
He says at the blood that's dripping through my hoodie
He grabs the arm and pulls up my sleeve revealing my 6 cuts
Quinton: Chloe! I can't believe you did this to yourself again
Me: stop yelling at me
His voice softens
Quinton: why
Me: it doesn't matter just yell at me get mad and clean it up so this can be over
Quinton: no your going tell me
Me: whatever
Quinton: tell me why you'd put yourself through that pain Chloe it's not worth it baby
Me: yes it is she deserved to live but she didn't I don't deserve to live my body can't do one simple task and it makes me so mad I can't do anything right
Quinton: Chloe you've made 3 kids 3 baby your body has done enough I promise you and cutting yourself isn't gonna bring her back it's only gonna take you away from me
Me: I don't care anymore I can't stand this reality anymore
Quinton: what reality baby you won't talk to me I told you I'm here for you baby always you won't talk to me please I want to help you so things can go back to normal and you aren't  always sad and depressed and TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF Chloe again you have way to much to live for
Me: no I don't
Quinton: so we're gonna pretend that you don't have almost 300 million people that look up to you that if you did die your brother and your best friends wouldn't be devastated and our 3 kids that love you to death and would be out of a mother and me what don't you understand I'm so I Love with you Chloe I'd be lost with out you
Me: no you wouldn't your be better without me you'd find someone you deserve and that's actually good enough for you
Quinton: what goes through your head
He sighs
Quinton: princess your the only girl I've ever wanted and I ever will want I love you Chloe your the love of my life my soulmate and I want my babies to have a mother and that's you I don't want to lose you Chloe your so precious to me
Me; but I'm not necessary you don't need me you have everything under control and when you do things it's correct and done perfectly but I don't know how to do any of this and I sure can't do it right
Quinton: I don't know what to do either chlo I don't think anyone does no parent knows how to raise a child and be good at it
Me: but you are and I look at what I do and I literally do nothing you do it all
Quinton: because I don't want you to do it I don't want to make you do it or it seem like you have to
Me: then ill never do it right anyways
Quinton: ok I'm sorry I'll start letting you do more things but I'm still gonna let you sleep in the mornings
Me: I just feel like nobody needs me anymore and if a ran away somewhere or died life would still go on it wouldn't effect anybody
I say as more tears fall
Quinton: don't ever say that I don't know about anybody not anybody else but I do know that I need you so much your all I'll ever need and I know that sterling rowen and arden Need you your their mom Chloe you are needed and if you left I don't even know what I'd do because I can't live without you
Me: I I'm just done here q the pain of getting up in the morning I'm tired of it it hurts so much and you said it gets better but it hasn't
Quinton: because you won't let it baby you stay in the bed you don't move or talk you sleep for 3 hours and wake up stare at the wall again back to bed 3 more hours and your up at the wall it's like your in a different world and it's not helping it's like your denying the truth
Me: because I don't just accept the fact that I lost another fucking child Quinton I can't I know you do but I don't something happened and I'm trying to figure it out
Quinton: nothing happens Chloe she had a infection in her blood and a literal disease Chloe you can't help that
Me: maybe if I never got pregnant in the first place we wouldn't  be here
Quinton; yea ok that's my fault I'm sorry I didn't know and I didn't know you were pregnant so blame me all you want but losing that baby was not your fault and I'm tired of you blaming yourself
Me: I'm not I'm blaming my body
Quinton: no one here did anything wrong
He hugs my
Quinton: we should be proud Chloe our baby is a angel she's up there having the best times waiting on us and she'll continue to wait until his takes us too
Me: that's not even fair q how can he come and take a poor child from us like that he can't just take a little baby that never did anything wrong
Quinton: baby she's an angel now she's ok she's an angel now
He holds me tight as I let out all my tears
Me: how how can he just be up there having fun doing whatever and being bigger then everybody and take my baby just take her away
Quinton: I promise he has a plan baby I do he's not just gonna put us through this pain and not have a plan she's a angel now princess she's doing better than she ever could here
I stop crying and I pull away and look at him
Quinton: I love you baby we'll get through this ok dying won't solve anything
I nod at him
Quinton: now let's clean this up ok
We go to the bathroom and he helps me on the counter
He grabs a wet rag and cleans the cuts up
Me: I'm sorry
Quinton: it's ok baby just never do it again
Me: I already did
I pull up my other sleeve and he looks at the cuts
The blood was dried by now
He grabs my wrist and pulls it closer to him
Quinton: you cut yourself 9 times Chloe 9 don't you know how much blood you could've lost you'd be dead by now
I nod
Me: I'm sorry
Quinton: why does that help Chloe you could've died don't you understand death isn't something you play with how you feel right now that's how I would feel if you died
Me: oh I i I'm sorry I don't want to hurt you Quinton and I'm sorry for hitting you the other day I really am I didn't mean to hit you
Quinton: baby it's all ok I already forgave you
I hug him
Me: and I'm sorry I only thought of myself I never thought about how this is affecting you  at all
Quinton: I'm alright princess I promise
He finishes cleaning my arms up and wraps them in bandages and kisses my head
Quinton: it's all gonna be ok
Me: I know but
Quinton: but what
Me: never mind
Quinton: hm ok now how bout we watch a movie
Me: yea ok
He carries me to the room and we watch a movie
Me: I'm thirsty
Quinton: ok what do you want
Me: just water I'm gonna go get it
I get up and go to the kitchen
This is the first I've left the room
The house is so clean Quinton cleaned this all
The floor is so shiny and the tables are all clean there's flowers everywhere and cards and gifts and things awe he put all the flowers in a vase
I go to the kitchen and it's even cleaner like no one lived here
I grab a glass out of the cabinet
And I move to the fridge
I open it up and it's organized
Next thing I know the glass drops out of my hand and I jumped
Me: shit
I go back to the cabinet and get another one
I don't know what took over me but I dropped it again this time on purpose a little
I grab another and slam it to the ground
I grab another one and break it too
Now it was just fun letting out all my anger
I grab more and smash it
Quinton comes running in just as I throw it down
Quinton: what the hell are you doing
I smash another one
Me: it's fun
Quinton: stop that's our cups you physco
Me: no
I break more until I've broken them all
Quinton: come here are you crazy woman
I start to walk over there
Quinton: wait your gonna cut your feet
He comes and picks me up and carried me to where there is no glass
Quinton: what is wrong with you you broke our cups
Me: it was a accident
Quinton: one is a accident the whole damn cabinet
Me: yea
Quinton: baby! You broke our wedding cups
Me: oh shit
Quinton: oh my god these were like 300 dollars each
Me: I'm really sorry
Quinton: your lucky these aren't the actual ones me and you used and I put those in a safe spot
Me: why's this place so clean I destroyed it
Quinton: the only thing I could do was clean you wouldn't take to me you wouldn't let me hold you it was more depressing then actually ya know losing her
I look to the ground and back up to him
Me: I'm I'm sorry q I don't know how hard that must've been for you she's your daughter too and I should've thought about that before I pushed you out and only thought about myself. You still came back every night giving me a kiss and a blanket and a pillow even though I threw it off the next morning. You continued to care about me and put me first even though I pushed you away and treated you like shit and I'm sorry I didn't care about how this affected you or how you were doing and now I feel bad.
Quinton: I told you chlo I'm fine I've been fine it hurt you more then it did me
Me: no it didn't every time I woke up your pillow was wet and you had old tears on your face and now I realize you've been crying yourself to sleep
I walk over to him and hug him
Me: I'm so so sorry Quinton I should've thought about you instead of just myself and I hope you are doing ok and you aren't just lying to me
Quinton: seriously baby I'm great
Me: and just because your a big man you can still cry baby I'm here for you I know I haven't been but I am now I love you Quinton
Quinton: I love you too baby
He pulls away from the hug
Quinton: and I am ok I promise you
Me: your lying to me I know that hurt you shes your daughter and you love sterling And I know you'd love that baby the same way so you can't say your just fine
Quinton: I am because I took my time thinking about it. Our baby is up in heaven with our other baby there with all the other angels and god and there doing better than they could down here with us so yes I am ok because I know that they're perfectly fine and being cared for better than me and you ever could
Me: your right
Quinton: I know I am
Me: then why were you crying
Quinton: because I couldn't help but look over at you for five days all I could see was your mascara stained tears in your sad little face and you were shivering hugging onto your stained pillow I gave you and every night I laid that blanket you snatched it close and held it close and all I wanted to do was wrap around you and hug you until you never shed another tear but I couldn't and when I kissed your head you'd roll over on your back facing me almost like your asking for another kiss and your lips were pushed up a little like you were trying to kiss me and you wouldn't even let me touch you it was an exact repeat of the first time and I remember back then I thought my world was falling apart I was scared Chloe that it was gonna fall apart and you won't be mine anymore
Me: I'd never leave you Quinton I promise you I pinky promise you I'll never leave you we've been through too much
Quinton: I know baby I pinky promise
We lock pinky's and kiss the ends of our hands
Me: I love you always and forever
Quinton: I love you too baby always and forever
We let go and hug again
Me: I'm still thirsty
Quinton: oh god
He gets a sippy cup from sterling it was a Elsa one
He fills it with lemonade
Quinton: since you wanna break every cup we own this is what you get
He chuckles
Me: ion care I like Elsa
Quinton: ofcourse you do your my Disney princess
He kisses my nose
Me: what about our movie quin I wanna go watch it
Quinton: ok you can go I'm gonna clean this up
Me: no come on you say you wanna hold me we'll come on baby
I grab his hand and pull him to the bed
We cuddle for a while holding eachother
I wish she would've fucking lived
Me and q laying here in eachothers arms I just wish our baby could be here in between us watching tangled with us is so precious and I miss my kids
Where are they I don't even know are they ok I wanna see them
Me: q
Quinton: yea baby
Me: can we go over to see them
Quinton:'right now
Me: mhm I miss em
Quinton: I do to but I don't think it's best right now maybe in a few days.
Me: please
Quinton: baby everybody's at Mads and jadens house right now it's Sunday they're eating and
Then if they see us there gonna wanna come home and we can't bring them home right now
Me: please q I just wanna give them a hug and tell them I love them I won't even beg to take them home
Quinton: I guess I'll text and see
He texts them and sighs
Quinton: they said they're fine with us coming but we can't take them home
Me:ok
I get up and put on a hoodie and shorts
I put on some Birkenstock's and pull q out of the bed
Quinton: woah so you can stay in bed but I can't
Me: yes now come on
We walk over to Mads house and go
Inside
They were playing around
Arden: momma??
Me: hi baby
Arden: MOMMA!!
He jumps on my
Me:'Arden!!
I hug him and kiss him
Arden: are we going home with y'all now
Quinton: um not yet buddy
Arden: dad!!
He jumps off me and hugs Quinton
Quinton: hey Arden are you doing ok with uncle Bryce
Arden: mhm we play games everyday and run around he doesn't make us go to school on Fridays and Aunt Addison makes us cake and brownies everyday
Quinton: mm sounds fun bear
Arden: it is me and Grayson have sleepover every day
Quinton:Lucky
Arden laughs and Quinton kisses his cheek
Me: gimme my son
I take him from q  and I kiss his cheek
Quinton:'a where's sterling
Arden: ummmm I think she's in the playroom with Eva
Quinton: ok I'm gonna go suprise her
He walks into the playroom and calls her name
Sterling: DADA??
Quinton: sterling??
He laughs squatting down to her
She runs into his arms hugging him and he stands up
Quinton: hi angel
Sterling: hi dada I missed you
Quinton: I missed you to Belle
Sterling: when do we get to come home
Quinton: I don't know yet s maybe a few days
Sterling: oh ok is mommy here
Quinton: mhm she's with arden
She jumps off him and runs to me
I hold them both kissing them and hugging them for a few minutes Until I set them down
I go to see rowen and he's in nessas arms
Me: hi baby
He looks at me and giggles
Everybody looks at me shocked
Me: um hi guys
They say hi back I take rowen and hold him for a bit until Quinton says we have to go
Without a tantrum or a pout  I follow him saying bye
We go home and I get really sad watching brave
Quinton: do we have to get you a therapist baby
Me: hm no why
Quinton: because you seem depressed bubbas and if a therapist will help that we'll get one
Me: no I'm  good quin I love you
Quitnon: I love you too
Me: good night
Quinton: good night baby
And i fall asleep in his arms for once