Purpose || Bang Chan

Hello

Hi guys, it's been a while.

Before you read this, please be warned that this content may be triggering. The contents includes mentions of depression, suicide and self harm. If you feel uncomfortable with it then please, by any means, do not read it.

Something happened and I thought, I want to tell you guys why there were a lot of depressing themes in this story.
But before that, I would like to clarify that, hurting ourselves isn't the way to solve our problems.

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I wrote this story when I was young and immature and depressed. A lot of our female lead's depressing thoughts and actions were based on what I had done and thought of a lot. From the part where she sits in the dark huddled in blankets to the part where she slits the skin by her waist to avoid being seen. All these came from what I experienced. In a way, writing about it in the guise of making a fictional story and letting people read it was a means of escape for me. Maybe it was the thought that since you guys read the book, in a way, you guys know my story, well the part about her family and her sadness.

When I read everyone's emotionally influenced comments, I found myself hanging onto every word of encouragement. Though your comments were for our fictional female character, I read the comments as if they were for me. Because I always look and act fierce and carefree, my friends and family believe that I am incapable of feeling such a destructive emotions. The words I often hear when I say I'm depressed is, "Get over it." Or sometimes it would be, "You're being dramatic." Or other times, no one replies and instead changes the topic. That is why when your comments kept on coming, I treasured those because it felt like someone was finally listening although, again, your words were directed to the female character and not me.

Through writing, I found myself getting better, less angsty and more cheerful. I poured my efforts in writing stories, doing my school projects and works and doing what I loved the most. I tried to live life like how I want to and slowly, I started to feel comfortable with myself and I started dreaming and planning for the future. I stopped inflicting wounds on myself and started to tale care of myself instead. Thankfully, I was strong and I received the support from you guys indirectly. Now, I cannot even imagine myself not existing in the future.

The reason I'm saying this is because. Today, well- the other day, we lost someone to depression. We weren't close but he was someone I respected amd looked up to because he had a lot of friends, he was a good student, teachers loved him and his younger siblings loved him. He was the person that always spoke up when something wasn't right and he wasn't afraid of standing up for what he thinks was right. Really, out of all of us who came close to ending it, he was the least we expected to go first.

This got me thinking that is it really enough to simply say, "We're here if you need someone to talk to." Or "We care about you." Is it really enough to simply give a person the suicide hotline? Or maybe if we were more attentive, would things turn out differently?

I was lucky enough to have found an outlet for my thoughts. Instead of hurting myself, I write characters who hurt themselves. But some don't. Some don't have an outlet like I did.

It really came as a shock to me because we were all a bunch of messed up kids pretending to be fine. We supported a lot of advocacy regarding depression but ironically, we cannot even help ourselves. We didn't even recognize that those who had suicidal tendencies were among us. Suicidal hotlines, caring words, forums... Does this even make a difference? Is it really enough?

But to you who finally found peace after a long battle, I hope you find the light you are looking for. Thank you for being such an inspiring person. 🤍

To those who are in their darkest moments right now, it is difficult and tiring. Waking up to a new day drains the energy we have left. But there is a drain we have to search for. A drain that will let these terrible thoughts go away. It is difficult to find the drain though. But the search gets better when we are the first to tell ourselves that we want to get better. I tried a lot of things to distract myself and to release the sadness I felt. From making art, eating, going out to places, adopting a pet... But what worked for me is reading and writing angsty novels. Reading the lives of miserable characters who then get better makes me feel as if I can do it too. And look at that, I did it. Till this day, my parents don't believe that "depression" is a thing. But to be honest, I don't need them to believe me because all I need is myself to believe in me. Because believing is the first step to accepting and getting better.

-Lots of love🤍