Purpose || Bang Chan

23

(please play the song while reading😊)

Shin Heeyoung

"I just want to thank you guys for showering me your endless love and support through my rough times and all." I smiled in front of the thousands of audience. I was gonna sing my last song for them next but I just want them to know how much they helped me through my problems. "You guys, I know I haven't been the best model in my career. I know I did a lot of foolish things, not only hurting myself but you guys as well..."

A tear slipped out when I thought of the past. Its been hell behind the curtains. I wrote down a lot of messages for everyone saying goodbye and I counted down the days until I rest hut everytime I get to the mark in my calendar, I couldn't bring myself to cut the line and pull the rope and end it all.

"I'm gonna release all the suppressed frustration and sadness here tonight because I trust all of you that you guys won't leave me. I trust that you guys can make me feel better because behind these smiles is hell but when I'm in front of all of you, its my safe haven." The crowd was quiet. "I grew up with no parents as they left me with my grandmother and they had their own families in different places... I grew up having to take care of myself when I was sick because having no parents, I learned how to rely on myself. When I was in elementary, I envied my classmates who got picked up by their parents because I had to walk home alone every day. I envied other families every christmas because they get to open gifts from their parents hearts but I opened envelopes because my parents just send me money. The memories from when my family was still in tact is lost and I don't know how it feels to be loved and I deeply craved to receive the love I never felt." I smiled sadly. I looked up at the night sky, telling myself not to cry.
"The only beloved family I had was my grandmother. She didn't have money but she made me her food that completely filled me with warmth my parents couldn't provide. She was my mother and father, my sister, my bestfriend and my teacher, all at the same time. When I was lonely, she was the one beside me making me smile... She taught me how to release all my anger and sadness and happiness through singing... But as you all may know, she passed away not too long ago..." I couldn't hold it in any longer. I turned around briefly to wipe the tears. I fanned my eyes.

"Uljima!.. Uljima!.. Uljima!.." my fans chanted. They waved the lightsticks together while chanting.

"Don't cry Storm!! We love you!!" A guy shouted from the audience and I clearly heard it. I looked back at everyone and smiled.

"I felt lost... I felt alone and I didn't know what to do... At the time, I thought I was finally alone in this world... I heard whispers saying to just end my pathetic life... I heard whispers saying I don't deserve to live, that i'll finally be with my grandmother again if I just do it.... I prepared myself.... I was sure I would finally do it... But my gadgets rang endlessly throughout the nights and my phone screen lit up in the middle of the night... 'Don't cry.' it said 'We're here for you!' 'We are your family too.' 'We love you!' 'You changed our lives.'" I cried on stage. It felt good saying these. "You guys saved me from the hole I was trapped in..."

The fans cheered. "We love you Storm!!"

"I was never alone... I have you guys. HAILS!! you guys showered me with the comfort I so desperately needed..."   I kneeled on the stage and did a full bow to them. They deserve all my respect.  I stood up. "This is my last song for tonight and I dedicate this song to my fans, Hails for being my strong family.... Please do sing it with me. "

I grabbed something fr the side of the stage, my light stick and waved it in the air as the music started. The fans waved the light stick with me everyone was in sync.

'Still far away
From where I belong
But it's always darkest
Before the dawn'

I walked nearer to the audience and stood in the middle. I sang the song but I heard their voices so I took my mic and pointed it in their direction while waving my arms.

'I'm coming home
I'm coming home
Tell the world I'm coming home
Let the rain
Wash away
All the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits
And they've forgiven my mistakes
I'm coming home
I'm coming home
Tell the world I'm coming home.'

I smiled listening to my fans. These people, though I don't know each and every single one of them, I'm happy because I feel their love and that matters the most.

I forgive you, mom, dad... I forgive you for leaving me... I forgive your children because they have the family I dearly wished for. I forgive you because now, I have my family here, my fans and JYP family... Because I wished to be happy like you but I knew I would never get that... So I wished for you to be sad for that, I am sorry....

I forgive myself too... For blamig myself even though it wasn't my fault, for accusing myself a lot of horrible things... For hurting myself .. for wishing death upon myself... I am sorry... And I forgive myself....