Purpose || Bang Chan

4

Shin Heeyoung

There were already articles in soompi, allkpop and even on tv about my sad past. Fans were tagging me in their tweets telling me to stay strong and that they support me all the way.

Yes, i'm thankful for their kind messages but this is exactly why I wanted to keep it a secret. I don't want anyone pitying me... not that its bad but when someone pity me, I feel poor. Not in terms of money. But I feel poor because I don't have any blood relative talking to me and telling me they love me.... In truth, there were times I wished I was just an orphan since not knowing who rejected you is better than knowing you have your parents knowing who you are and where you are but just not caring...

It would be better if I never met them at all.

JYP was the only person who knew about my personal life. He pitied me too thats why he offered I stay in the dorms.... I didn't know what was going on at that time, I was just 13, my mother sent my grandmother to a nursing home and left me money enough for my food and school, she promised to support me until I tell her to stop...

She still sends me money in my bank account. But I seldom use it. I use my own money now...

I went to my closet and picked out simple clothes. I changed into my washed out jeans and my pink pullover. I combed my hair back, tying it in a ponytail.

Today is a special day, my grandmother's birthday. For this reason, I use my car, given to me by my parents.

I drove to a nearby bakery and bought our favorite flavor of cake, vanilla. I asked the guy to write 'Happy Birthday Granma, from Heeyoung ♡'. He looked at me with a blush and wide eyes. He took the vanilla cake and wrote down the things i said. He then went to pack the cake in a nice box and he made sure the ribbon was perfect. He handed me the cake. I gave him more than the amount of the cake, he received the money with his trembling hands.

I smiled at him "Its my grandmother's birthday, keep the change for yourself." Was what I said before I drove to the nursing home.

I drove along the expressway, since the nursing home is far from seoul, set in a more humble and friendly environment, its in Paju, north of Seoul.

The drive was a bit long, but totally worth it.

When i arrived at the familiar nursing home, the nurses smiled at me. They already know me here. They know me as a normal person here, they don't care about my status as an idol at all, they treat me how they treat others. So in a way, I love it here.

"Hello again, Heeyoung." The nurse who was around my age smiled at me. "Your grandmother is in the garden."

"Thanks for taking care of my granny, Yoon." I waved at her and went to the garden. I looked around for my grandmother. I saw her sitting with a nurse by the pond.

"Granma!" I called. I rushed to her side, kneeling down beside her. She looked at me with her confused eyes.

"I'm sorry, but you are?" She asked. Her voice was frail, her obvious aging and struggle prominent in her voice.

"Its me, Heeyoung, don't you remember?" I smiled at her. She returned the smile. Her eyes sparkled and her lips, curving up.

"I have a granddaughter with the same name! She's 9 years old." She exclaimed, super excited talking about her granddaughter- well, me.

I couldn't help but smile, at least she remembers her granddaughter who is me. "You see, little Heeyoung told me its your birthday today! She's busy at school so she told me to bring this to you, grandma." I opened the box and showed her the message.

"My my, still my lovely granddaughter.... I miss her, but I don't want her to worry......... I'm sorry, what were we talking about again?" She was excited but then she suddenly shifted to being confused. "I'm sorry, i was told I have an illness thats why my memory is bad."

I couldn't help but let my tears run down. "Grandma, today is your birthday, your granddaughter sent you this."

I asked the nurse to bring grandma to her room with some plate and water.

She left me with my grandmother. "Today is your 76th birthday, grandma."

"Don't be silly. I'm turning 69 this year!" She laughed. I just did with her. We ate cake together, talking about random stuff. She looked so happy.

"How about you, miss? What is your work?" She asked.

"I'm a singer, grandma." She smiled and asked me to sing a song for her and I did, singing the lullaby she used to sing for me when I was little.

"You know, my Heeyoung loved that song, maybe you cam sing it to her for me." She chuckled. I promised her I will.

I said my goodbyes to her before I left and drove back to Seoul to the company to hopefully continue working on my album... I just found the perfect lyrics for the final song.

Maybe I'll title it as 'Remember' or 'Day dream'.

"Storm-sunbaenim." The trainee kids bowed. I smiled at them and bowed too. "Chan-hyung was looking for you. He was saying he has the perfect melody for something."

"Oh, is that so? Thanks for informing me." I walked to the empty room Chan always hangs out at but surprisingly, he wasn't alone at all. The familiar backs of the two people important to me were there.

He's with Areum. They haven' noticed me standing beside the door yet since they were on their backs. Chan had his arms around his girlfriends shoulder.

"Sing this with me.." he asked, showing her the lyrics. He taught her the song and they both sang it perfectly. It didn't even sound sad anymore, it was a bubbly song. Ironic, it hurt me somehow especially it was the lyrics I made..... which i asked for extra help from Chan.

They finished the song and finally, the two lovebirds noticed me at the back.
"Heeyoung!" Soomin went to me and hugged me. "Were you here already before the song?"

I nodded. "Good! So now you know the song's tune. We can just make the music for it." Chan said.

Suddenly, I felt like throwing up.....
The good mood I was in, now gone.
Call me salty but this hurts so much... Chris, why won't you just flat out tell me I have no choice and to just give up?

"Actually, I came here to tell you, I don't think I have to bother you anymore. I came up with new lyrics.... so sorry for bothering you..." i apologized, bowing down. "You can have the song, i'll give you all credits..." i bowed before leaving, closing the door behind me... I stood outside, leaning on the wall for support... I took deep breaths and calmed myself.

"What was that?.... isn't she being a bitch?" I heard my female best friend ask.

"Well, she has her reasons.." The boy I love explained to her about my past.

She scoffed. "Still, that's no reason to be a bitch to someone who helped you complete your album. Hey, since she gave you all the credits, let's just sing it as a duet." Well I did give it to him.... but... its my feelings im giving away...

"Yeah, I guess its alright." Chan said.

It was my breaking point. I'm stupid.

I drove off to a nearby store and bought packs of instant ramen, some bread, instant coffee, ice cream and cans of alcohols.

"Guess i'm getting drunk tonight."

~~~~~~~~~~~

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