Purpose || Bang Chan

3

Shin Hee-young

My alarm clock buzzed, waking me up from my dreamless sleep. I turned the alarm off and stood up... I fixed my bed first, just like any other day.

I went to the kitchen to look for something to eat. I opened the cabinets, the cereal box is already empty.. no more instant ramyuns too... there were no more loafbreads as well. I went to the freezer next, checking for something to eat but again, its empty, only bottles of water and butter and an apple.

Well, apple is better than nothing.

I don't stock food here in my apartment because i'm too busy to even cook. I always eat cafeteria food in the agency. When i'm here, I just order some takeout food. So this is my living condition.

I have a very nice and elegant condominium, courtesy of my father. He bought this for me when my grandmom got sent to the nursing home. I have a nice car, courtesy of my mother, but I seldom use it anyway since I don't go anywhere other than work which is just a few blocks away.

I actually spend more time at work than in here. I sometimes don't come home even, I sleep at the recording room sometimes. Its because its lonely in here. When I cone hone, there's no one here to greet me, ask me how my day went, no one to eat with and no one to talk to.

I finished off the apple, drank water and went to the toilet to freshen up. I went under the hot shower, wincing at the pain when water came in contact with the cuts I have on my hips. Yes, I cut and its on my hips so people won't see. I took my shower gel and avoided touching my hips.

After shower, I dried my hair and picked out clothes. I just chose some street style clothes im comfortable in because they'll style me at work anyway and left the house with my money and phone.

"There you are, remember, you'll be a guest at a talent show, they'll ask you a lot of stuff, you'll also have to talk a lot. Remember not to say anything risky or anything that might catch a scandal. If you don't know what to say, just tell everyone that its not relevant or its a secret. Mess up and we'll all get in trouble." My manager said. Its the exact script he tells me before i go in front of interviewers and an audience. I heard it so much already, i'm so done with it.

I got in the van with my manager and some stylists.

When we got to the locationc my stylists dragged me to my own dressing room. I saw my stage name already posted on the door.

"Here, change into this." They gave me a set of clothes. I changed in front of them, we weren't really awkward since its just the three of us girls in the room.

They did my make up and they did my hair too, my blonde, wavy hair was now straightened and combed back. After they made me wear some minimal accessories, they told me i'm all done now.

To be honest, I'm very nervous being a judge for the first time. I'm just an amateur singer, I don't know if i'm fit for being a judge. I may look cold and snobby at first sight but really, i'm just a normal girl too. I feel shy, i feel nervous, i'm scared of other's opinions, i try to look my best in front of people and I feel scared being criticized. Maybe i'm scared of judgement and criticism because of what people used to say when i was still new in the industry. They told me more heart breaking and downing words than I can count on my fingers.

I do my best too, I really do, I put in so much effort in my work that when I arrive home, all I do is rest. But lately, i'm feeling so down and tired.. As if I just want to sleep and never wake up... Everyone sees and knows I make an effort to be the best role model. I want people to love me and be an inspiration to them, i'm thankful to my fans because they responded so well to my hard work but the one person i'm sending all my songs' messages to can't seem to notice....

"Storm, here's your mic and your earpiece. We'll give you a cue to walk out." A staff gave me my sparkly blue earpiece that has my initials on it, she also attached the mic to my shirt and then to the back of my skirt.

"We have a very special guest in here this morning! She's a young and talented singer and songwriter. She will be a guest judge for our episode today. Known for her heart clenching songs, let's welcome, Storm!" The staff almost pushed me out in front of the cameras. Good thing, I had good balance even in heels.

"Hello, everyone, I'm Storm, please take care of me." I bowed and smiled at the audience. They give me a big round of applause. Some were holding banners with my name and some with my latest song's lyrics.

So now is the portion where I perform my song as an opening to the show.
The music started, the lightings were also set. The audience, my fans brought their lightsticks out and sang with me. They were chanting to the song, I felt loved. I love the stage the most, when i'm singing in front of my fans because its the moments like these that I feel so loved......

In fact, I feel loved only when I perform...

I recalled my sad past..... was I a bad girl? Was it my fault my parents divorced?... why was I left alone?... These questions, I tried finding answers for but until now, they remained a mystery. These thoughts added fuel to the fire so I delivered the song ten times more sad and emotional. I closed my eyes, belting out and imagining releasing all the pent up anger and sorrow I kept inside.

The music suddenly stopped. I heard in my earpiece that they were having technical problems so I just kept on singing. My voice was enough to touch the audience's heart, I believe...

The song ended, some fans were already tearing up. My solemn expression was replaced by my fake smile. "Thank you." I bowed down. It took a moment before they applauded.

I sat in the table at the front with 3 other judges. They gave me smiles and thumbs up.

The talent show slash competition went on, there were moments that were totally unforgettable, some were cringe worthy, some were amazing, some were boring. I was scared to share my opinion and  criticize them since I know how it feels like. But when the thought that my criticisms will be able to help them be better at their talent, I became more serious at pointing out obvious mistakes and the points where they lacked the most, of course, I didn't forget to compliment them for their good acts as well.

After 4 hours of the camera rolling, the show ended.

~~~~~~~~~~

Bang Chan

"Hyung, read this." Maknae went to me and showed me a magazine. I raised a brow, asking him what about it. He showed me a page where a pic of Heeyoung caught my attention.

'Storm's way of sharing her sorrow'

"Its really sad, hyung. Since you two are good friends, did you know about these?" Jeongin asked, pointing to a specific paragraph.

'When asked about her family, the said girl hesitated and showed signs of obvious loneliness. Her answer is what follows:

"My family.... Where should I start?.... I don't remember spending time with my family..... My parents are divorced and have their own families... So I grew up with my grandmother.... She had Alzheimer's since I was little.... She wouldn't recognize me at times.... by 13, she doesn't even know she has a granddaughter... I didn't have a choice, my mother sent her to a nursing home.... That time, JYP offered me to stay in the dorms... of course it wasnt trouble for me, my parents are well off, they send me money so I don't have a problem...."

One wouldn't even imagine that such a talented young girl has....'

I stopped reading.... "No, I didn't... She always keeps things to herself..." I realized that when Soomin, Heeyoung and I were hanging out, its always Areum and I eho was talking. Heeyoung was always quiet, listening to us and hearing our problems... Not once did she tell us anything about her parent's divorce... We just know that her parents were supporting her from a different country...

But this.... it was this deep. Now I felt like such a bad friend...

I want to talk to her more, to be honest. But i'm afraid that if I do, i'd be giving her falls hope. I mean, i'm not blind and stupid, not to know about her feelings for me... But what can I do? Its not like I can tell my heart who to love.

It's better to stay away from her....

I swear after I help her with her album, i'll focus more on the group I formed, Stray Kids.