Purpose || Bang Chan

6

Shin Heeyoung

Nothing's going right anymore....

I felt myself slide down against the door to my room. I haven't been to work in 2 days now, even my manager doesn't know why. They already sent some people to check on me but I wouldn't open my apartment's door to anyone.

I forced myself to be alright so many times that it slowly became my life. I told myself that I was alright when my parents left me. I told myself I was alright when my grandmother got sent to the nursing home. I told myself i'll be alright when the guy I loved the most fell in love with my bestfriend. I told myself, i will be alright no matter what.

That's what I thought. But a single phone call broke every single wall I put up to protect myself. I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself but it only did the opposite effect. I replayed the conversation in my head.

*flashback*

"Hello, is this Shin Heeyoung?" A lady asked from the other line.

"Yes that's me..." i answered, thinking its nothing important.

"Your grandmother in the *** nursing home had a cardiac arrest.... We ask that you visit her one last time in *** hospital as soon as possible."

I was in the middle of recording but we had to stop just because I ran out the room and to my apartment complex's basement to get my ccar thankfully, the car's key is in my wallet. I got in and drove.

I knew I speeded by every red lights I came across with, but i don't care how many fines I get, the only thing that mattered now is my grandmother. I stepped on the gas and avoided every car or crossing people the best I could.. i drove like a mad person while whispering to myself again and again "Grandma, please be alright... Grandma, you can't leave me...."

When I got to the hospital, I headed to her room. She was there on her bed, various tubes connected to her. I saw her almost white face, this is what comes with aging now...

"Miss Shin heeyoung, I pressume? Your grandmother had a cardiac arrest and was discovered a few minutes later. She was sent here in the hospital but unfortunately, her brain didnt get enough oxygen, causing a big damage to the nervous system.... She won't be waking up, she's brain dead." I glared at the doctor, can't he see i'm grieving?! He can at least slow down with the explanations?

I already knew those when I saw.my grandmother. She had a pained face.... as if just begging me to set her free. That's what i did... "You're asking me to unplug right?..... i wont be that much of a pain.... do it."

I kneeled beside my grandmother, crying and crying and whispering to her that i'm sorry and that I love her. Nurses gathered around along with some doctors and the nurses my grandmother had in the nursing home.

"Then i'll be putting her off life support." The doctor removed the tubes that were connected to my grandmother. He also removed the mask that supplied grandma with oxygen, even the IV drip...  he removed it all.

The monitor showed my grandma's slow pulse. I cried, hugging her tight... I counted the time left I had with her, telling her i love her and wishing for her to be happy. I cried beside her but why is it that her face looks so much at peace now?

Her pulse was weak..... when the monitor beeped in one continuous line, I knew that moment that I was bow totally alone.... She's the only blood relative that treated me with so much care, she showered me so much love and affection. I grew up, only having her but now, she's forever gone. Now i'm alone........

The room was now silent, only the blank monitor beep and my cries were the only ones that could be heard. Nurses pulled me away so they could cover my grandmother with that white thin sheet of cloth. I struggled to break free, holding on to my grandma's hand, which was already turning cold..... I held on to her hand so tightly as if i was holding on to my last ray of hope and joy.

The time went by... it was already past midnight... they haven't moved my grandma out yet, they let me stay there with her until the next day. I stayed, I sat on the floor beside my grandmother. It was 3 am when the door opened and in came a lady I could hardly recognize. If bot for the pictures my grandmother showed me, I would never know this lady that is now in front of me is my mother, the person who carried me inside of her for 9 long months, only to be abandoned 3 years after birth....

She was crying too. She went on the other side of bed and kneeled. She apologized to her own mother while crying. She held her hand tight...

The next day, she told me she'll handle everything. So she pushed me out of the hospital and told me to focus on my work. I tried. I went to the company to record my song but I couldn't focus so I went home...

*flashback end*

Here I am now, in my dark room. Tomorrow, my grandmother will be buried. Of course i'll go.

I was sitting on the floor, staring at the black dress laid on my bed. It reminded me of the cruelty in this world and it sunk down on me that i'm all alone now... but that's alright....

I'll just tell myself again.... I will be alright....

But though, I tried to be strong, something inside told me i can't.

~~~~~~~~~~

I drove to the cemetery.

There were people from the nursing home and some friends of my grandmother, my mother and some other people whom  I don't recognize.

I took my place in the first row of seats. My grandmother's casket in front, just before the hole which was already dug out.

The priest recited some prayers before he told us to go offer out final goodbye. I let the people go first. They placed their flowers on the casket. Some were crying too.

I was already crying but I kept it hidden, I looked down at the ground, my hair covering my face like a curtain.

~~~~~~~~~~

Bang Chan

We just finished our dance practice when the boys and I noticed almost all employee or trainees from our company were having a fuss about something on their phones. I chose to ignore them because I was dead tired and all I wanted to do is sleep. Specially since its already 10 pm.

I was about to walk to the elevator when my group members dragged me to the meeting room, the door was closed but we could hear people having a discussion inside. We kept quiet and listened. I wasn't interested until I heard Heeyoung's name being mentioned.

"I think we need to give her a break."

"But she doesn't like that, don't you think she needs a distraction from 'that'?"

"But her emotional and mental strength is already crumbling to pieces! We can't kill her!"

"I think work is a diversion for her. It'll help just try to keep things to a minimal for her."

"We'll call for a therapist too.... She's depressed. The incident might trigger something in her, its dangerous."

The boys and I were puzzled. We just left but not without asking a fellow trainee what the commotion is all about. He showed us a video, my bestfriend, crying hysterically, wearing all black...

"I guess her grandmother died. By the way, check this out! First ever revelation of Storm-sunbaenim's mother!" He zoomed in on a woman that looked almost like our friend...

We went back to our dorm. We were all quiet... "I heard, noona didn't tell anyone about it, even her manager. The video was just taken by a fan." Jisung said.

"You guys.... cheer her up for me since i'm unable to do so myself.... I know i'm not the best shoulder to lean on right now..."