CAPTURED UNWILLINGLY BY HEART Season 2 (ON-GOING)

Chapter 88

Zen's POV

Sumakay naman ako sa motor. Isinuot ko naman 'yong helmet at agad ding umalis. Wala pa akong balak umuwi. Hindi ko lang kayang maghantay sa mga pulis sa kung anong ibabalita nila. Hindi ko kayang maupo lang dito. Kailangan kong kumilos at tumulong sa paghahanap.

Nagpatuloy lamang ako sa pagmamaneho. Hindi ko na alam kung saan na ako o kung saan man ako makarating.

Lumalabo naman ang mata ko dahil sa luha kaya huminto muna ako sa gilid. Naupo naman ako sa sahig dahil hindi na talaga ako makapag-isip nang tama. Kinakain na ako ng emosyon ko dahil sa samu't-saring kaganapang nangyayari sa buhay ko.

Hindi ko na alam ang ginagawa ko. Masyado na akong kinakain ng galit. Masyado akong nabulag sa nararamdaman ko. Alam ko namang mali ito, pero may karapatan naman ako, 'di ba? May karapatan naman akong masaktan. May karapatan din akong sabihin ang mga bagay na iyon.

Simula kasi no'ng lumipat kasi no'ng sumama ako kay Mr. Richard hanggang sa lumipat kami sa Manila, nagkandaleche-leche na ang buhay namin. Palagi na lang akong nasasangkot sa gulong hindi naman ako ang gumawa. Naging biktima lamang ako sa sitwasyong ito. Na wala akong kasalanan sa bawat problema.

Initindi ko sila. Nagpakatatag ako. Sinubukan kong pagpasensyahan ang lahat. Sinubukan ko maging matapang. Sinubukan ko maging malakas. Pinilit kong maging pader at sandalan sa kanila kahit na ano mang oras ay bibigay na ako sa panghihina.

Pero kahit gaano man ako kalakas at katapang sa paningin nila, kailangan ko rin ng mga taong masasandalan. Kailangan ko rin ng makakapitan. Kailangan ko rin lakas dahil hinang-hina na ako.

Kasi sa totoo lang, I'm tired of being strong.

I'm in a place right now where being exhausted isn't even close to being accurate. Yes, I am worn out, but this feeling of tiredness goes beyond normal. It has emotional and psychological components. Being powerful has grown old for me.

I find myself sitting here suddenly feeling tight in the chest, lost, and unsure of where to seek guidance. I denied my feelings for far too long, and now I feel like I am the one coming undone.

I never really intended to be this kind of person, but life forced me to confront my worst fears. I had to learn to be resilient because no one supported me through my trials and tribulations. Now, here I am, feeling exhausted and lost, and I wonder if someday someone will support me in all the ways I have supported them.

I have always portrayed the role of the all-powerful person who can accomplish anything.

I appear as such when people look at me. Although they perceive me as capable and competent, my soul is worn out. Although they see me as steady and sure-footed, on the inside I am crumbling.

I feel as though I have spent my entire life attempting to convince myself that I am strong, and that would be sufficient. I've expended so much of my energy trying to be strong and suppressing my own emotions that I'm now exhausted.

And now I'm the one who's pallid and completely worn out.

Being the strong one all the time usually involves repressing your desires, thoughts, and maybe even your emotions. When you're always the strong one, you're very wary of confiding in anyone else about your troubles. You consider that to be a burden placed on the individuals you are meant to be helping.

And those who are frequently preoccupied with taking care of others don't always approach strangers and seek assistance. However, you have your own struggles as the strong one, and there may be times when you feel like giving up.

In actuality, the strongest among us are the ones who ultimately require assistance. I can now realize that we all require someone who is slightly more powerful than we are. Nevertheless, the phrase I avoided for so long because it seemed to have an adverse connotation.