Is it love? - Ryan. Dangerous to Love.

Finally be with you again

Kate's POV.

I was so happy to see Ryan again. The meeting with Elijah went really well, I feel like something did change in me. I have to try for Ryan.
And when I saw Lisa by his side too, I just felt that I am responsible for these people in my life. I can't be the reason for their pain. And they will ease mine if I let them.
We were just chatting and eating dessert when Lisa blindfolded me because of another suprise. I don't know if I am ready for another suprise. But what waited for me was something I never imagined. Ryan was kneeling in front of me for the second time, but right now with more determination, he asked me to marry him tomorrow.
At first I was shocked, and my mind wondered everywhere how could we manage getting married in a day but as he was waiting for my answer, my tears started to fall as I told him:
"Of course Ryan. I don't want anything else more than being your wife."
Ryan kissed me with all the love he feels for me which is absolutely overwhelming. I cuddle into his arms on the couch and we start to talk about preparations. I discovered that he already talked with the priest at the church we had been in earlier. And he brought here my two most important people in my life. I don't know how I can be this lucky to have a man like him. Lisa and Matt went off for a nap while we were still laying on the sofa. Ryan hugged me tight and caressed me while giving small kisses onto my neck. He could clearly see that I am lost in thought.

"Are you alright baby? You are so silent.  I hope I didn't scare you with this, I never wanted to make you feel scared. But I can't wait any longer. I need you to be by my side and to show you that I am willing to promise God that I will be with you no matter what happens till death do us apart. I really felt Kate that I lost you when I left to New York. You, calling me up was the reassuring that I needed, that you haven't given up on us. "

Now I needed to cut him off:
"Did you really think that I didn't love you anymore Ryan? Did I hurt you that bad? I wanted to say how sorry I am Ryan. You never deserved to be treated how I treated you. " With this I was just crying more.

"Heey, don't cry baby. I know that it wasn't you who behaved like that. You were just protecting yourself. And I have to tell you love, if I could say no to those meds, I would absolutely said no. But your state baby. You can't imagine that. You can't see yourself truly at those times. It scared me to my core. I had no other choice than give those meds to you baby. You were falling apart. When you hurt yourself, I was on edge, my own anxiety came back to me at its full strength. You didn't know that but I also lived together with anxiety and panic attacks for many years after my parents died. And I never wanna leave you alone to fight that alone. So no, I never blamed you for anything. Our mind is a messy battlefield. It's extremely hard to take control but you have to get your control back. Cause I can't lose you. I don't want you to blame yourself for anything. I know you. The real you. The one who is loving, caring, honest, funny, hard working, gentle, kind and everything that this illness is not. Detach yourself from this mental illness. You are not the one it projects to you. And all our friends know that. Just help us show you who you really are. "

"I don't even know myself Ryan. How can I know?"

" You can know by the people surrounding and loving you. You didn't wanna hurt us, did you? Of course not. So the one who hurt us wasn't you. You were influenced by this illness itself. Regret sometimes helps to realise who we really are. If we regret something, we weren't truly ourselves when we said or did those things we regretted later. I know you baby. The real you. And I want her. All of her. Together with the anxiety. And together with depression. We can all say that we want you without depression but this illness is not something you can fully heal from. It can be something you have to live your whole life together with. But you are the one who has the control baby, never forget that. If you want to get out of the loop, you need to try, you need to ask for help, you need to lean on us. And with that, we can have this monster under control. "
With this he started to kiss me with all his love and his desire and grabbed me to carry me upstairs to the bedroom. I was chuckling while he was kissing my neck and tickling me. When we entered the bedroom he placed me onto the bed carefully and opened the drawer on his side to take out a blindfold. I was excited immediately and in a second it was on my eyes. I still had my clothes on but I had a feeling that it will soon change. The first thing I heard was the sound of locking our door. Then he whispered to my ear:
"You can't imagine what I would do with you right now. I want you to feel as much pleasure baby as your body is capable of handling."

I was immediately filled with desire, I miss Ryan like crazy so I cling to his neck and say:
"Do it then. I am craving you Ryan like a drug. I want you so bad. "

"And you will get me baby. When I tasted every inch of your beautiful body."

He caressed me all the way down through my clothes and undressed me slowly. When I was naked, he started to kiss my neck while playing with my breasts. I nearly lost my mind. As I was blindfolded, I never knew where he will touch me or kiss me. He was kissing my neck harsh and a moment later all I felt was heaven. In a second he was hungrily licking my pussy with so much desire that I had to steady myself with grabbing his hair. When I was nearly reaching my climax, he just stopped.
I was still grabbing his hair to force her to help me climax when he whispered again:
"Patience love. You will have a much intense one if you keep yourself under control."

He slowed down and started to kiss my lips while massaging my breast. He went down to my butt and then again with one quick move, his fingers were deep inside me. I felt that I won't be able to contain myself anymore so I nearly begged:
"I can't control it anymore Ryan."

And he exactly needed these words.
Within a second, he was deep inside me, thrusting me hard, and I was ecstatic. I missed him terribly. And how he thrusted into me was purely amazing. He was dominant but not in a way that I felt threatened. He is the kind of dominant who is ready to hand over the leading role in a second if I ask for it. I love being with Ryan. We control together. We don't control each other. We control the moments when the other is not strong enough. We switch parts so swiftly that everyone gets the role they want. And right now it happened as well. I took of the blindfold and with a look, I ordered him to get under me which he gladly did. So in minutes I was on top of him, riding him to our climaxes.
And the only thing we said is:
"I love you. "

We don't need words. Our souls are walking hand in hand. And I know I want this to last forever. I want Us to last forever. So after having a nap together, I excitedly woken up to drag Lisa to shopping for my wedding dress.
I only need my dress and my hair to be done by tomorrow. All the other things are arranged by Ryan. We just need the church and the priest. We won't have guests, we will be just the four of us. They are more than enough and we agreed with Ryan that we will have a bigger celebration at home where we can invite whoever we want. And it's the best thing in this. That my excitement is not because of the planning and partying but my actual wedding. It's the best feeling when you can concentrate on the real treasure. Our soon to be official marriage. I want the most beautiful dress that I can find but I know Ryan would be filled with the exact same love if I would show up in jeans. But with Lisa on my side, I have no other chance than have the most beautiful wedding dress that we can find here in Scotland.

Ryan kissed me goodbye as he left with Matt to go shopping too. My heart is filled with joy that they start to get along well. Honestly I never thought we will reach this point. They chat like they are best friend. They have a lot in common I knew it well earlier as well but maybe they knew it too and their pride separated them. I just think to myself that this illness had one good thing. It connected my family. The family that I am left with. The only ones who truly love and care for me.
And I never wanna leave them or hurt them. So I carve this memory into my head. The picture of Matt and Ryan and Lisa and me to go to the opposite direction on a shopping street to find our perfect dresses that can be a memory from our best day in our lives.