Is it love? - Ryan. Dangerous to Love.

You need to let him in

Kate's POV.

I woke up with fear. Someone was close to me. Someone was hugging me. Ryan didn't come this close in days. Not after coming out of the hospital. But I didn't let him close either. He sedates me whenever he feels right to, while he knows that that's the worst that I can feel. How can he love me when he is hurting me? I don't want all these meds. And I really don't want this psychologist. I don't wanna talk. I don't wanna feel. I just want to feel numb. I push Ryan away. I push everyone away. But they need to be away. Not to be hurt. The further they are from me, the less I can hurt them. My pain is enough for me, I don't want to burden anyone else with it.

I don't want it to be Ryan. And as I open my eyes, I see my fortress, Matt.
My tears escaped instantly like they were waiting for it.

"Matt. How? How can you be here? Matt I missed you so much."

I hugged him as tight as I could and buried myself in his arms. It was the old familiar feeling of security. Matt was next to me when no one was. And now as well.

"I missed you too princess. I will be here whenever you need me.".

But I just looked down to my wrist. Guilt washed over me. I cried even more.
"I.. I didn't want.. I am so sorry Matt. I couldn't do anything else. I wanted it to end. Brad's dad killed my parents. I just couldn't handle it Matt. I am sorry. "

"Shhh..I am here. Just don't break that promise ever again that you gave me. You promised me to never try again princess. I couldn't live without you. You know that whatever happens, I will be right next to you. Brad can never hurt you again. No one can ever hurt you again. Just stop this. You decide what you want. First to try with therapy. And you know that. We had to live through this, remember? And I know how much hate you are giving to Ryan. He would never hurt you Kate. "

"That's not true. Don't do this Matt. Don't hurt me more. He is making me take those pills every time.. every time.."

"Every time you get out of control. I did the same Kate. And you hated me just this much. I did what I was told to do. Ryan does what doctors told him to do. Just try Kate. Remember. We went through this. You had to get those pills until you pulled yourself together. If you don't even try now, that will be your life. And Ryan won't be able to handle this hate. He is suffering Kate. While he just wants to help. Just try. For me. For your relationship with Ryan. "

That was the time that I stopped talking to him and turned my head away. Matt is always the one who clears my head. But what if it can't be cleared anymore? I am shattered. I am seeing the accident over and over in my dreams. I am seeing Brad abusing me. How could I be better? I feel like there's no way out.

After taking a small nap with nightmares of course, I had woken up and Matt was sitting in the armchair next to my bed, reading a book. But as I looked down onto my wrist, there was a bracelet on it that wasn't there before. I looked at Matt but he just shook his hand that it wasn't him. The bracelet was a simple black leather string with a single silver cross on it. It must be from Ryan. I just don't wanna take it off. Matt was right. I behaved terribly with Ryan. But I love him. I do love him more than anything in this world. I want to talk to him. I want it so eagerly. But I am not able to. I just can't look into his eyes. I feel guilty. I hurt him. I hurt him so much that I never wanted to. But I just tried to think of a way to make him forgive me. So I did the hardest that I could now.

"Matt could you get me the Bible from the living room? "

Matt gave me the most genuine smile:
"Of course princess. Whatever you want. "

When he came back, he brought some food with him as well. Easy Kate. It's alright. Just try. You must eat. Don't starve yourself.
So I grabbed the food first and ate half of it then some fruit. I need to try. For Ryan. And for Matt. And for all the people who never gave up on me.
I got that Bible into my hands and opened it up:

'LORD my God, I take refuge in you; save and deliver me from all who pursue me, 
or they will tear me apart like a lion and rip me to pieces with no one to rescue me. 

LORD my God, if I have done this and there is guilt on my hands— 
if I have repaid my ally with evil or without cause have robbed my foe— 
then let my enemy pursue and overtake me; let him trample my life to the ground and make me sleep in the dust. 
Arise, LORD, in your anger; rise up against the rage of my enemies. Awake, my God; decree justice. 
Let the assembled peoples gather around you, while you sit enthroned over them on high. 
Let the LORD judge the peoples. Vindicate me, LORD, according to my righteousness, according to my integrity, O Most High. 
Bring to an end the violence of the wicked and make the righteous secure— you, the righteous God who probes minds and hearts. 
My shield is God Most High, who saves the upright in heart. 
God is a righteous judge, a God who displays his wrath every day. 
If he does not relent, he will sharpen his sword; he will bend and string his bow. 
He has prepared his deadly weapons; he makes ready his flaming arrows. 
Whoever is pregnant with evil conceives trouble and gives birth to disillusionment. 
Whoever digs a hole and scoops it out falls into the pit they have made. 
The trouble they cause recoils on them; their violence comes down on their own heads. 
I will give thanks to the LORD because of his righteousness; I will sing the praises of the name of the LORD Most High.'

Oh God. You never fail to impress, do you? I just opened up the answers. It seems much easier than it will be. I need God to save me. I need Him to take this hate away from me. I need to try. First step.
I

chant in myself over and over again:

'LORD my God, I take refuge in you; save and deliver me from all who pursue me'