Is it love? - Ryan. Dangerous to Love.

Keep calm

Kate's POV.

I feel terrible. I sent Ryan away of course, he needs to work. But I was so cruel to him while he tries to do everything to help me. But I am so tired of being asked about how I am. I am not fine. Far from fine. I have this anxiety again that I am so afraid of. But I can't talk to Ryan about it. I am not proud of being so weak and crying all day. I just want to sleep. But I know I have other things to do so I just don't acknowledge my headache and start working on the water purification project which is my main project now.  There are many unread emails in my mailbox.  I slowly answer them one by one it takes around an hour to answer them all. I have a contact there in Africa who is responsible for the legal documents, so I make a phone call with him as well. Things go in the good direction but we need some further discussion on finances. Ryan didn't give me any specifications about the area that will have the purification facilities, how far they will provide clean water for people.  So we need to talk.  Thank the Lord. I don't want to talk now. He told me to rest. He would know how much I worked if I would just call now to ask for a discussion. My headache is killing me. And everything hurts. But I can't take those pills. Today was a good example that they do no good for my nervous system. I bear the pain. I try to walk out to the kitchen to drink a glass of water but I am still dizzy. I try to get myself together and maybe eat as well. But of course I have no appetite. Still. But I manage to get a glass of water and reach the sofa cause I really need to sit down to the couch. Maybe lay down a bit.
I have fallen asleep and Ryan was the one waking me up but he was home earlier than I thought. He put a blanket on me and kissed my forehead. But it was enough to wake me up.

"Hey,already home? I wasn't expecting you till 6." I tried to be a bit calmer.

"I told you that I will come home early to see a doctor about your head. Have you eaten something today? And slept?"

"Have you had enough questions for today? Or you planning on more? You shouldn't care this much about my appetite and my sleeping disorders. "
I am so cold. I hate myself right now. But Ryan seems to be understanding. He is calm. Maybe too calm. He starts to annoy me.

"Sorry. I love you. Can't understand still why I can't worry about you when you do the same about me all the time. "

His face looks sad. I feel that I will cry.  So I just turned away. Again. From everyone. But now something is different. He came closer behind my back and hugged me tightly.
I heard him whisper in my ear:
"I won't let you fall. I won't leave you alone. Trust me. I love you. "

This should have been the most romantic phrase ever but it stabbed me. He knows something.
I turn towards him,tears in my eyes and ask him in anger and feeling betrayed.
"What did Matt told you?"

He turned his head away but the answer was clear without saying it out loud. Matt gave away my secrets. And Ryan is sorry for me. I don't need his pity. I don't need anyone's.
I push him away as he starts to come closer. I feel disgusted by myself. I still hate the person  who I am. And I must admit that there wasn't a day that I didn't hate myself. Hate myself for staying alive. God gave me my life and he took away the meaning of that. And left me alone in the darkness for 6 years now. And I am not sure where is the exit from this state.
I cry hard. Ryan is worried.  He tries to calm me but I just push him away:
"Don't touch me. I don't need your pity. Why did Matt tell you that? It was supposed to be a secret." Now I was just sobbing and whispering to myself.
"He was supposed to love me. I trusted him. And he let me down. The last time wasn't enough for him to hurt me enough. Why did he ever helped me?"

I was sobbing so hard, Ryan just hold me tight while I was determined to push him away. But he doesn't move at all. I just calm down in his steady arms. And cry. Until I fall asleep in his arms. When I wake up,he is the one waking me up again. I hoped that he had already forgotten about the doctor but I know Ryan more. We need that doctor visit. Which I am so terribly afraid of. But he is stubborn. I need to be examined. I got asleep in the car as well, I was sitting without a word, of course I wasn't chatty so I fell asleep again. He gently woke me up to tell me that we arrived to the doctor's office when I realised that we actually came to a hospital. That was when things got out of my hands.