Is it love? - Ryan. Dangerous to Love.

Anxiety

As we reached the hospital, I was extremely stressed. I just can't be here. Just can't. I feel the anxiety that I haven't felt in many years. Ryan can sense my fear. He puts his hand on mine while driving past security. We didn't come with Jake. Ryan wanted to drive me here by himself. He tries to calm me down.

"Hey. Love, don't be afraid. You know that I am here with you right? I wasn't planning on coming to the hospital but my friend couldn't postpone something and he has better equipment here as well. But I will be next to you. Always."

I don't say a word. I don't want to break down. I hate to be like this. Everyone can think that there's just only problems with me. But no one really gets what it's like to be in depression. Or just standing at its door. Only those can imagine who went through it. When you seem like a mess all the time and days,weeks pass by just feeling pain. Not to mention that I have to deal with physical pain as well. I didn't choose to be attacked. I didn't choose any feelings that I am living through. I didn't choose to be sad most of the time. And now hell sure that I didn't choose to be in a hospital. I have only been once in a hospital after mum and dad.. after the accident. Of course I was at the hospital for months after that. But since getting out, I only had to go once. Matt was with me. I had just a minor injury, nothing serious.
But Matt knows what I have been through. He should have told Ryan about that as well. But he left out the worst I guess. The panic attacks and that I am not even able to get into a hospital without anxiety. I guess now I should be honest. I must.
"Could we have a bit of time in the park? I need to. And I need to speak to you. "

Ryan just smiles a bit and speaks to me in his worried calming tone.
"Of course we can. We can have a tea before going in. We have plenty more time before my appointment. "

Wait. Did he know something? We have time. I hope plenty of time.
As we arrive, I got a bit panicked but thankfully Ryan turns towards the park and the cafe.
He insists on ordering me a croissant to make me eat something and green tea. He knows that I love green tea. I adore coffee as well but I have enough of a headache.
He orders himself a tea as well. He also loves green tea. Something that we share the adoration for.
We ask everything for takeaway and head towards the park.

As we reach the park, he leads me to a bench from where you can't see the hospital so clearly. He wants to calm me down. If he would know that there's not much of a chance for that.
He gently  strokes my back and encourages to say something. 
"I am afraid." God job Kate, the only thing you could say. It's not much of a discussion. 

"You don't have to. Or if you must, just tell me why. What are you feeling here? You can find the source of your fears.  And by saying it out loud , you acknowledge it to yourself as well. Just don't push me away. "

"You know now everything I guess. And I am not angry. I should have been the one telling you everything. But I am just not proud of it. When mum and dad....died, I felt guilt. It was me driving Ryan. I was the one who could have made another decision how to finish the accident. I could have made only myself to die. That would have been just one life instead of two. And my life was the most worthless." I start silently crying. I am not just speaking about my past to Ryan but about my present as well. I still feel that I am nothing. Not deserved to be alive. Ryan is hurt too.

"It's hard seeing you this hurt. And it's killing me to hear what you think about yourself.  It's my fault as well. Don't say otherwise. You don't appreciate yourself even next to me. And I am so so sorry for it. I don't show enough love for you. But never think that about yourself. You are everything to me. I can't live without you."

I love him too. But how can anyone love me the way he does? I absolutely don't deserve it. But I continue to talk. I have to.
"The months after the accident were pure pain. Like I was living outside my body. I was in a bad state. Physically and mentally as well. I thought I will never be able to walk. I lost sense in my legs. I had to learn to walk again. But the worst part was that I had to learn to live again. To let anyone close to me. I only let Matt. But he was patient enough to wait for me to get better but never left my side. I so damn hard tried to push him away. But he never let me. At first it was good feeling love from someone. But than I felt that I don't deserve that love,that Matt is giving me. That's when I started hurting myself. To make the emotional pain physical. Because it's easier to feel physical pain. I started cutting myself. It was good feeling that kind of pain at first. But when I reached that point when I didn't think I could cause enough pain, enough for what I deserved, I thought I wanted to end it. That maybe death is the amount of pain and punishment I deserve. And that was the only time when Matt let me loose for a bit. I am so sorry for him. He beats up himself for it. But I made him believe that I can be alone. And I wanted to make him believe. Cause he had his eyes on me all the time. But not that Saturday. I had to save up pills because I didn't get more because of addiction problems. I had been thinking about ending my life for weeks. And 2 weeks was enough to get enough medicines. So I had the courage to get them all in and just leave the mess I have done behind. I felt pain. As the medicines were destroying me. And then darkness. I can't really remember after what happened. They say unsuccessful suicide attempts are forgotten often because of the trauma. And it did for me as well. Matt was stricter after that.  He moved to me. And have lived with me for months. And I needed him. I suffered so greatly. Time passed and I just put my past behind me. I never processed it. Just hid it. What I am still doing. But 3 years later when I had to get into a hospital, it just all came back. I had a panic attack. I was breathing heavily, fear took over my heart as well. It looked like that I just came for my minor bicycle accident but turned out to me much more serious. My heart didn't show good signs so I had to have further examinations. My heart rate was not stable,I could hardly breathe. Thankfully Matt could be with me and he convinced the doctor to let me home and in that case everything will normalise. And it did. But it came out that I can't tolerate stress. My heart just starts to disapprove. I have never been to a hospital since then. "

He listened carefully and hugged my shoulder as he came closer and kissed my forehead.

"But I am here with you now. Thank you for telling me everything. It means a lot to me. And if you let me, I try to help. You can't run away from this anymore. And now you don't just have a friend that helps you but me as well. You have my love to strengthen you. I won't let go of your hand. But tell me when you feel bad right? If you feel just a little something,a little uneasiness, fear,tell me on time. It's easier to calm a panic attack at the very beginning. I know it from experience. I will have my own story later for you. Which will make you trust in me more. I went through similar things. We are much more alike than you think. So just trust in me okay? We will get through this."

I got a bit confident and stood up for his surprise and said it in a calm tone:
"Right. We gotta go. We have an appointment."

He smiled,stood up,kissed me and held my hand as we walked towards the hospital. I love him. The only thing I can do is at least try.
And like he would read my mind:
" I love you. You are the bravest, honey. I won't let you fall. Thank you for trying. "