Is it love? - Ryan. Dangerous to Love.

Lost faith?

Kate's POV.

It is amazing being here in Scotland. Amazing and painful at the same time. I missed this place but I miss my parents who I used to be here with. We don't really talked with Ryan much but when we started finally, it wasn't an easy topic. But I guess nothing is easy with me. I suffer. Nearly through the whole day. My smile is rarely honest, I feel like dying inside. Since I saw those pictures, I am fallen apart. Like I can't function anymore. I see their dead bodies every time I close my eyes. It was amazing being with Ryan tonight and he has already fallen asleep but nights are no fun for me. I can barely sleep with these dreams I am having. I sneak out of the room to get some fresh air and maybe a tea but I don't want to wake Ryan up. He would be just worried for me and I really don't want to talk about my nightmares too. I sat down at the sofa and wrapped myself in a warm blanket cause I feel extremely cold but guess it's Scotland. One thing comes to my mind as I just stare at the ceiling. What Ryan told me about faith. I believed that I had the strongest faith when I was younger. I didn't just go to church every Sunday but practised my faith. I enjoyed being in church, it felt like home. Every time I was there, I felt that God wraps his arms around me and wipes away my tears. When my depression started in my teenager years, I stopped going to church. I felt that God doesn't ease my pain just makes it worse and worse. I felt betrayed. I felt that my holy father just punishes me and never says I love you. My parents' hearts broke. They tried and tried but the only thing that helped me back to God was an unsuccessful suicide attempt. Where my God saved me. Where he hadn't just said I love you but saved my ungrateful ass. Then I started to turn my head back towards him and tried. I had better and worse days but at the end of the day I knew I had faith. Until that day. Until he took away my parents. I hated him from the bottom of my heart. And he still loved me and still saved me from all of my suicide attempts. Which just made me angrier and angrier. Cause I felt that he saved me to make me suffer more and more. But today Ryan lit up a spark in me. I was saved to live. Not to suffer. And suffering alone is only my decision day by day. There are many many people who are willing to help me carry the weight on my shoulders but I just don't let anyone. Not even God. But he is standing right behind me and whispers in my ears whenever I care to listen.
My tears started to pour and something happened that didn't happen in the last 6 years. I started to pray.
'Dear God. Please forgive me. I could say that I never wanted to hurt you but I wanted to. And you know it well. I turned my head away. A million times. Not because I hated you but because I knew that you still loved me. And still do. And I believed that I didn't deserve that love. I didn't want anyone to love me. I was just not worth it after killing my parents in that accident where I should have paid more attention. But you saved me. Again and again. To reach a point to say out loud that it wasn't my fault. I hope someday I can really say it out loud. When I felt that no one loves me, you were there. When I hurt myself, you were there. You were always there. And I always knew it. I was just stubborn not to let you close. We all rebel against our parents I guess until the point that we grow up. I need you God. More than ever. Cause my demons hold me back. They try to take me away from you. And I know well that you can't save me all the time. I can't mess up and not ask for help from you. So here I am. Just please let me find the way back to you. Cause you are my only living father who I can talk to. I am sorry. I love you. "

I was crying desperately. It reminds me of the old times. Crying is the time when you are completely honest. The harder you cry, the more pain you can reveal what's inside of you. And inside of me was pure pain and sorrow. The one that tears you apart. The one that fills you but makes you empty at the same time. I had rough days. Days, weeks. I could hardly listen to music or talk to anyone. I was just silent. Anger is loud. Pain is silent. And silent murderers are the ones that surely kill you behind your back. When you feel anger, at least you feel alive. But when you feel silence and emptiness, you feel that the last thing you want is to be alive. I tried to get myself together and let God help me heal cause I can fail him a million times but he won't fail me. He is the perfect parent that every child deserves. And he gave me two perfect parents. And they had their time come. Not because God but because of the Devil. The one and only that's climbing up on my sleeves every time I see a knife,every time I cross the street to make me think of ending my life once and for all. But I have to realise that God doesn't let him climb up higher on my sleeve. So I put that knife down, cross the street carefully and try not to hurt myself all the time. We never realise that God is right by our sides until it's too late.
I don't want it to be too late for me. So I try. I must try. Again and again.
And God is smiling to me as I am trying. And he gives me the best gift that I could get in a long long time.
A dreamless sleep.