Is it love? - Ryan. Dangerous to Love.

Hide to protect

Kate's POV

I feel like a mess. I couldn't stop crying when I told Lisa everything. She was in pain. I knew that I kept it a secret because I didn't want to feel pity. But not just because of that. I was afraid to hurt Lisa. And telling her everything just made me live through everything again. I was crying so much they both could hardly calm me.
As I was telling everything, I started my old habit to dig my nails into my flesh. It's as painful as I want it to be. I want to feel its pain. I want to feel physical pain. I can't deal with the emotional pain only. It kills me. If I can feel physical pain,I calm myself that at least I feel physical pain not just emotional. Sounds awful. I could never describe it normally. Maybe because it's not normal.

As I was hurting myself, Matt came next to me and grabbed my hand. Not with force but with determination:
"Stop it, angel. Don't hurt yourself. It's not you who should feel this pain. Please. Stop that. "

I stopped but he didn't let go of my hand,he kept holding it and squeezed it time by time when he felt that I should calm down.
Lisa was now realising everything. She looked terrified when she saw that I hurt myself. We were talking for some hours, Ryan was away to arrange some business. He didn't really tell me where he is going exactly but I will have to talk with him about it. I don't like that he's not telling me everything again. I get so angry so easily. But I know this feeling already. That damn feeling when you feel on edge all the time and you feel that you anger is out of your hands. I am in this all over again. I try to be in control but it's hardly a success. I'd really like to be alone but every try is useless. I tried to send Matt and Lisa away but they are not playing this 'game'. Lisa feels guilty as I knew she will feel. But I am hoping that she really wants to stay.
"You don't have to stay. I can really be alone. I promise. You had enough of my shit already. "
Lisa held my hand this time:
"No,we don't sweetie. We won't leave. We are in the best place we can be right now which is next to you. So stop trying to convince us to leave you alone. And we are sure not going to leave until Ryan arrives. We will be here with you and you don't fuss about it. Deal? "

"You guys have better things to do than sit next to my bed. I don't deserve you at all. I was never this awesome friend like you. And all I can do is cause problems and worries. I can't do this. I can't do shit." I sobbed hard again but Matt is trying to save me from myself again:
"Princess, how many times have we talked about this? You are amazing, girl. Don't ever doubt that. And we love you a lot,fuck. You are like my little sister. I don't want to see you suffer. And Lisa too. Girls, you are the most important people in my life. And I can guarantee that it won't change. I have two shoulders to cry on so you both have one. We will have a movie marathon when you get out of here. And as much coffee as you want, princess. Just don't cry okay?"

Matt is adorable. Some people would really call Matt too kind and too cheesy but I would call him honest. He cares about me and tells me everything what he truly thinks. And if Matt is cheesy than love itself is cheesy. I hate when men don't express their emotions. Ryan is like Matt in this. But Ryan really has to let loose to freely express what he thinks and feels. I love them so so much. I couldn't live without them.
I had fallen asleep and when I woke up, Ryan and Lisa was next to me. I was so glad that I could see both of them,I missed Matt but he had some important plans,he sacrifices a lot for me,I don't demand more. Lisa stayed for a bit and I could convince her to rest at home and there were just Ryan and me. He thought of a lot, he brought me an awesome fluffy blanket and a beautiful mug that he already filled with tea. I snuggled under the blanket and I felt ten times better at instant. It just made me warm and feel like being at home. Every little thing has huge impact on me. And these cute little things made my day. We were talking,listening to music and just snuggling with Ryan when he needed to leave for an hour. He really has a lot to arrange but doesn't really tell me any of them. And it starts to disturb me. I hate to feel left out and feared because Ryan is protecting me with his every word. He doesn't tell me everything not to disturb me. But he doesn't do anything better with this behaviour as well. Now I just feel like we are being at step one again when he didn't tell me anything. As he left, he asked me a thousand times who he should call. But I just got irritated and told him that I really don't need anyone,he just leaves for an hour,not for days. After half an hour of convincing,he left my room. Of course he was right, because I felt so lonely at instant that my mood dropped drastically. I didn't have my phone with me, Ryan didn't really want to let me read everything what media lies about this whole situation. Jake was outside. I could have called him in but I don't really wanna talk to anyone. It's like you feel lonely but you still wanna be alone. Horrible. After 15 minutes, there was a knock on my door. For my surprise, it was Colin. Jake let him in and he just stood there in the doorway.
"Come in,Colin. I am not biting and not dying." I whispered a 'yet' after my sentence.
"Hey, just came in to say hi. Is Ryan here somewhere?"

"You know Colin,it's me whose room it is,not Ryan." I tried to be funny,not rude so I smiled at him and for another surprise,he smiled back.
"I know. I just wanted you both to be here when I tell you how things are going. "

Now I just new that Ryan is not telling me something. But I don't want to admit it to Colin that I don't know anything. So I decide to play the game.
"You can tell me Colin. I can handle it."

And Colin just came closer and handed me an envelope.
"They are sending new ones. I thought that they will stop after their last disgusting letter and threats but no. And now I am sure that they have something to do with the guy who attacked you here,because he wrote it in first person so it must be him. And again with pictures and detailed descriptions. I am really sorry Kate. I am trying my best to puzzle everything together to be enough of a proof but it takes time. "

It still wasn't really clear what is happening but now I have an envelope with something that Ryan is a keeping a secret when I am the one involved.
I politely thank Colin's help:
"Thanks Colin. It really means a lot that you try to help. We will discuss everything with Ryan. He will call you later. And really thanks for checking in."

We have talked a bit about the band and new concerts and Colin said his goodbye. I was so impatient to finally open that envelope.
But what I found was like daggers to my chest. It wasn't just a letter but photos. Photos of me in the last few days. Even a photo from yesterday when I was asleep and Lisa was next to me. It was terrifying. But the worst was yet to come. That letter. It was Brad who wrote it. And it was pure disgusting. He wrote what he would do to me if he would have the chance to do again and that he will get his revenge for that night when Matt hit him and kicked him out. And he won't do anything with Matt but me because everything is because of me and I deserve what's to come.
As I am reading through the letter, I am shaking, and my tears are pouring. And not just because of that letter but because of the fact that Ryan kept an important thing as a secret from me again. I immediately called Jake in.
He looked worried as he saw me crying.
"Kate,what happened? It's okay,just calm down."

But I just ordered him:
"Jake, give me your phone. Just don't ask please. I really need to call someone."

He handed me his phone,and still crying I refused to call Ryan but the one I always called in my entire life.
"Matt....come here. Please..... I need...I need you. I just..please Matt." I was sobbing hard but Matt answered in his sweetest, calmest voice.
"Calm down angel. Hold on. I am on my way to you."