Is it love? - Ryan. Dangerous to Love.

Why did he choose me?

Kate's POV.

Yesterday was pure hell. These medicines really mess with my head. I tried not to show how much it hurts because Ryan is so worried,he looks extremely tired but tries to keep his composure together to give me strength. But the biggest problem is that I feel how much of a burden I am. He never makes me feel that but it makes it even worse. He is so gentle and caring that I just feel that I don't deserve any of it. I pushed away everyone I could. But Ryan was willing to hold on to me more than anyone before. I had a relationship not long after mum and dad died. Of course I don't have good memories. It was as toxic as it could be. He couldn't handle my state at all and just told me over and over that I don't deserve anything and I must feel the pain of the accident and carry it cause after all it was me who drove. That was another time in my damned life when I wanted to die so eagerly. But Matt was there at that time too. One time he heard Brad telling me how meaningless my life is and I should be grateful that he even cares about me. Matt got so angry, he beat the shit out of that jerk. We never spoke with Brad after that, Matt got a full picture of the situation and soon discovered everything behind it,even the cuts at my wrist. I hurt myself on purpose, and Brad even made it worse. He never loved me. He just wanted someone to have control over. And I was perfect for that. And in exchange, he made me feel a bit secure. And at that time, security was all I needed not to feel lost at all. But I will never be grateful to him. He made me feel worthless and the burden that I feel now next to Ryan. I didn't have a relationship after Brad, never looked for one, kept my distance with everyone. Matt and Lisa were the only ones who never left me. I was friends with Matt for such a long time at that time. We grew up together. Our families were friends. We were together all the time. I was next to Matt when he got the news that his parents died. I was next to Matt but he seemed extremely strong all the time. But he opened up and I helped him as much as I could. I never thought I have to live through what he had to. And I pushed away that Matt who never left my side. I feel extreme guilt and sorrow. It wasn't him who let me down. It was me again. It is me over and over again who lets everyone down. It's 3 am. I slept through yesterday. Of course I can't sleep now. I should get the medicines at around 6 or 7 am. Ryan is asleep thank God. He is extremely exhausted. I need to get out to get some fresh air. I slowly get up and my head spins a bit but I manage to get out of the bedroom. I go out to the terrace and lay onto one of the sofas. I feel tired now that I got out of bed. It's chilly outside but it refreshes my head. I don't remember falling asleep but I awake for Ryan who is putting a blanket over me and sits at the end of the sofa, caressing my side. I got a hold of his hand and squeezed it. I felt bad for waking him up:
"You shouldn't have come. You need sleep Ryan. Sorry for waking you up."

He reached for me and pulled me into his arms and now I lay into his embrace.
"I was worried. You just disappeared from bed. You need sleep too. And I don't just need sleep. I need you as well. What's wrong? Couldn't sleep?"

I don't want this conversation at this early so I tell half of the story leaving out my emotional state.
"I needed some fresh air, I couldn't sleep and my head hurt as well. But I didn't wanna wake you up. Ryan, you can rarely have a bit of sleep next to me. But I wasn't planning on falling asleep here."

"When did you come out?" He asked not with just curiosity but with worry in his voice as well.

"Around 3. What time is it?" I didn't feel time passing. "

"It's 6 already. You had a 3 hour nap without knowing it then. How is your head?"

"Hurts but the fresh air made it better when I came out. I am glad that you could sleep a bit, after all I came out 3 hours ago. Help me get back to the couch? I feel a bit lightheaded."

He than just held me and stood up with me in his arms like I weigh nothing.
"Of course babe, get back in and you get your pills as well. And time for eating and not protesting. "

He than kissed my forehead lightly and took me into the living room. I was silent,just buried my head into his neck and smelled his scent. I loved his scent. I breathed in his scent like it is the last time. He makes me unable to hide any of my emotions. He sees through me and can sense that I am depressed.
He knows some of my problems and he doesn't even ask, just tries to reassure me.
"It will be alright love. You know that. He will be back. Just give him some time. Or call him. You need to talk cause it just stresses you and puts a burden on your shoulder. It's hard for both of you but he just wanted to help you and you know that, don't you?"

Yeah. Ryan reads me like a book.
"I know. I let them down. Even you. I wasn't honest. Not with you. Not with Lisa. And it was Matt who had to carry my weigh. And God,he did everything and I knew it. Don't get me wrong. I know how many things he did for me. I just can't get over the fact that I deserved nothing. Not even life."

"Don't even think of that. You need to learn to accept what others give to you. The love they give you is not without a reason. But because they know you and they have the right to decide whether they think you deserve their love or not. It's not us who decide over someone else's feelings and judgement. And you have to learn to accept it and build it into yourself. I love you Kate. You can't imagine how much but you are thinking about the reasons not the accepting it and embracing the feeling. You are incredible. You lived through things that many people would never be able to. You are smart, funny, caring and beautiful. In and out. And for last, you need to accept that it wasn't your fault. Hear me love? It wasn't your fault. The accident,your parents' death. It was never your fault. And if I have to tell this to you every second of your life, I will be there to tell you. "

That was when my tears just began pouring. That was when I knew, I have to tell everything Ryan about my past,about everything. He may know some things from Matt,but it's me who has to say them out loud. And with this man by my side, planting soft kisses onto my palms, I have the courage to tell everything out loud.