Is it love? - Ryan. Dangerous to Love.

I need to leave

Kate's POV

I woke with the worst feeling in a long time. I didn't want to be drugged again. I can't bear this unconsciousness which they force you to go into. As I start to wake up,I feel that familiar panick that I felt many years ago when I was in hospital. Some people seem to be doing okay after traumatic events. I was one of those people. Of course I had hell of a recovery but after a year and a half maybe I could be seen as normal. But now I just need to realise that I never went back to normal. I always lived with this huge amount of pain and anxiety and guilt but I was so ashamed and hateful towards myself that I never wanted to show it to anyone. At a certain point, I just got tired of being the unstable girl. I wanted to make it easier for people around me to get to know me and talk to me without thinking over every sentence twice. Being unstable is pure hell. But it's worse when you feel people being cautious. Because being cautious always meant being distant. I just seemed that type of girl that is best to avoid. And I didn't wanna be like that. So I put on that mask that I am fine. I showed that I am getting better and somehow I tried to make myself believe it as well. I got to a point where I was always working or going out with friends but in reality I have to realise that I was running away from everything. From the panic attacks,the anxiety,the depression, mostly away from any intense emotion. But I guess there is a point in your life when you must stop hiding. And in my life that moment came forced. I wasn't ready,I didn't face my fears,I stopped going to the therapist, I just stopped caring. And now I don't have a chance. My problems forced themselves into my life to be solved. But can you solve them when you were never strong enough in years to even face them?
As I opened my eyes,I saw a ray of hope. He was my ray of hope. He was holding my hand, sitting next to me,waiting for me to wake up and greet me with his most warming, loving smile.

"Hey beautiful. You want ice cream?"

It was strange that he didn't ask questions about what happened. But I guess he knows everything. But I remember Matt's words telling me that we don't have to talk about my mental state all the time. Don't get me wrong, I can't hide from them anymore,but I am trying not to focus on the pain. So I try now as well:

"Ryan,I missed you so much. Ice cream would be awesome."
I smiled when looking into his eyes. It's like I forgot what it's like to smile with honesty. But it feels good. I feel not so weak. I promised Ryan that I will try my best to overcome my fears and getting better step by step. I still don't like hospitals and I have this anxiety in me ready to burst out but I must manage. I must get back my control. It's so hard to realise that now I must do it for myself. Time has proven that doing it for everyone else didn't do me any good. But it's pretty hard to do anything for yourself when you truly hate yourself. I know. I don't love myself. Not at all. I am not satisfied with my outer and inner self as well. But if I don't start to work on it,everyone's efforts are useless. And I don't want to loose them. They are the only ones I have.

There was a little fridge in my hospital room what already had ice cream in it. Ryan knows me more than I thought. He brought me my favourite ice cream. I'm the boring vanilla type girl. But ice coffee tastes amazing with vanilla ice cream. And I drink too much coffee. Shame on me.
I sit up a bit,annoyed by the IV in my arm and I got a bit shocked how my arm looked like. It was all purple and bruised. Of course I remember how that nurse grabbed my arm but I hoped that it won't turn out like this. Ryan must have been furious when seeing me. But I promised myself not to mention it now when he tries to lighten the mood. It's 2 in the afternoon already,so I was really dosed. I don't wanna complain but Ryan gets that I don't feel so well.

"Your head hurts again babe?"

"Bearable. Don't care about it."

He got a bit tense but relaxed immediately:
"Don't start this Kate. I will always care. I am here to care. If I wouldn't,I wouldn't be here either. Do you want me to call James and ask about your headache?"