Is it love? - Ryan. Dangerous to Love.

Need you to save me

Kate's POV

I knew I need to be honest with Ryan. He can know most of my story but it won't be my story if it's not me who's telling it.
We just live our lives, having friends, hopefully someone to love when at a certain point we just realise how much we have never told anyone about our real selves. We tend to keep secrets. Secrets about our past,about our weird things we do, about our soul and thoughts. But can we be really brutally honest with someone? Is there someone in the world who we can trust? I should have learnt from my past. I never trusted anyone. Never. I never trusted not even Matt fully. If I would have,he would have known about me trying to kill myself or the things with Brad. I kept many secrets from Matt as well and we both paid its prize. I hurt Matt time and time again by not being fully honest. I am trying to reach a point in my life what I have never reached before. To trust Ryan enough to show my soul to him.

"I need to tell you everything Ryan. "
I looked into his eyes for a second but my fears appeared and I just looked away. But he sat next to me and held my hand. He already knew what I am planning and he could feel how fragile I was.

"You don't have to do this Kate. I can wait. For you, I can wait forever."

Tears came pouring on my face and panic ruled over me. As I cried I told him in a panicked voice:
"I don't want you to wait. I want you to be the one I can trust. I never trusted anyone Ryan. Never told anyone honestly what I am feeling. But it's just killing me slowly. I always hated to be taken care of. I had everything what a problematic child could have. Do you know how it feels when you are afraid to tell anyone how fucked you are? Like anyone could say that you just made up your life stories cause there's no one who has to put up with that amount of pain and traumas. But guess there is. I was always weak. I was a rebellious kid, I did everything I was forbidden  to do and had hell of a life. But that's how I got used to it. My parents were the most loving parents ever. They tried to give me everything that I was never grateful for. They showed me that much love that I never felt I deserved. I wasn't popular. I was just used. I never had real friends. Of course I didn't wanna accept my parents' love. Cause there was no one else that showed me what love is. And when you feel that no one loves you or cares about you, you start to feel that your parents' love is not true,just pity. And pity makes everyone angry. I struggled at school, was always angry at my parents for pampering me so I got to the point to harm myself. My parents quickly realised it cause they sure were loving me and caring for me. They did everything Ryan. All the doctors,the conversations,the gifts, they did everything to help me get through it and accept that not everyone can love you. And it's not because you are not someone who deserves love. But because you are different. Funny that I was different because of my honesty. I told my opinion uncovered about anything and anyone. I didn't care about hurting anyone. I always felt that honesty can hurt, but it will turn out to be good for everyone. Maybe that's why few people liked me at all. This world is not about honesty. It's about lies, side taking but only the one that's advantageous for you, it's for not hurting with your words but killing you inside from the unsaid words. Till the accident,everything was just pure pain. I just felt that I didn't fit in this world. And what happened after the accident just proved it. It was like a sign that I needed punishment because I never listened to anyone. So life just took my parents away. Took away the ones who gave me the most love in my miserable life. Of course it seemed like a sign to me. I didn't deserved anything. But Matt came and I had to have some connection with someone. I felt absolutely lost and lived with pain and guilt. Matt tried so hard to lift me up. I was at my most self destructive mode. I drank a lot and took as many meds as I could. Matt was suffering too. He sacrificed a whole year to get me to a point where I didn't want to kill myself. But it was never for myself. I had to realise that I was always living for someone else. Not for myself. And I still don't. And don't tell me that I can't do it. I don't know if I ever be able to deal with my depression. Not if I lose everyone one by one. "

"You will never lose me. You hear me? It's not an empty promise. I am sorry for what you went through that's for sure but I am not with you because of pity. I am with you because I was never this happy with anyone. And happiness is not just about smiles and rainbows. Do you know that every painful memory you share with me just makes me love you more and more? Because you show me your true self. And you can fall deeply in love even with a bruised soul. I love you the way you are. You show me that I don't have to hide when I feel pain. We all feel pain, we all suffered, we just never strong enough to show how weak we are. Showing your weaknesses and bruises are the strongest thing in this world. Cause you make yourself vulnerable. And I never felt this need to protect anyone like I feel it with you. You are like a piece of me. And there's not even a little piece which you can live without. I need you to be whole and I wanna be the one missing piece you need. Cause we all need that missing piece. We all can think of our horrible memories from our past what makes us weak but what makes us who we are. And I love you the way you are, never ever doubt it."

I just cried. He told me what I never thought I will hear. Not after Brad. He pulled the ground under my feet. And this was another memory that Ryan needed to know.

" I had someone after the accident. I needed someone to be safe. I would say he was nice at first but he wasn't nice not even at the first time. He knew me from school but we never really talked. I was at a party that I really didn't want to be at and Matt left a bit earlier and insisted to come with him but I just got angry and told him that I could take care of myself. Brad was straight drunk. He came towards me and started touching me everywhere he could. I tried to send him away but he got aggressive and just grabbed my hand and pulled me to the toilet. I was protesting but than he told me the worst thing that made my blood freeze. He told me: 'You can bear a little pain and a little enjoyment, all in all you killed your parents. At least someone is trying to get you to have sex and touch you. You wouldn't deserve it but I am generous tonight baby. Just stay calm and be a good girl. '
It was disgusting. He ripped my underwear down and fucked me. But the worst that he made me believe that I deserved it and I must be grateful that I can have a little payback to life for killing my parents. No one would think that we have ever met but I started a relationship with him. I thought he was meant for me and that I really must be grateful that I can feel the pain that I deserved.  We were together 5 months. He separated me from Matt and everyone around and made me behave absolutely normal with them while I was broken on the inside. He used me as he wished. I could say he did rape me every time but I didn't  protest a lot. He was sick. He loved to see me cry while being fucked and loved that he was the one who could punish me and get revenge for life. And I just accepted it. There was never a happy time between us. Never romantic moments. He had other women as well, but I was the lucky to be his 'girlfriend'.
Than I reached my breaking point again. I started cutting myself and sometimes he was that sick that he would watch it and not do anything just have a smile on his face. He loved when I was in pain. He kept telling me how I deserve every inch of pain that I feel. And I was that 'lucky' that Matt didn't gave up on me. He came to my apartment to talk things through and Brad was having his lecture to me telling me all the horrible things he thought of me. And Matt heard it all. He knocked on my door and when I opened it, he stormed in and beat him till he was unconscious. He even noticed my cuts and bruises I made upon myself. He got so angry,he told me I will never speak to that asshole again and he can be grateful that he was alive. But Matt never knew about how far this abuse went. I was ashamed of telling anyone. Up to this point. After this he searched for me once and tried to get close to me and start everything over but Matt never left my side. He threatened Brad that he will do whatever it takes to keep him away from me and Brad got afraid. I never heard from him since than but I will never move on. Or I hope I will. But you see how fucked I am. And this attack was needed the get everything back to me. All the memories, the pain and everything. And I had enough of it. I love you more than my life. I have to face myself and all the pain of the past not just covering it up. I need you Ryan. More than ever. I need you to feel and not be afraid to feel. I need you to love and I need you to save me."