Is it love? - Ryan. Dangerous to Love.

Hope

Kate's POV

Of course Ryan was next to me when I wake up. He put me back to bed and curled up next to me. It's becoming a habit. But guess it also became a habit that I fall asleep somewhere else than the bedroom. He holds me tight but he wakes up immediately when I wake up.

"Good morning beautiful. I always have to find you away from our bed? Wanna talk about the night?"

But I just smiled as an idiot.
"Not really. I just had a session with God. And he gave me a good night sleep in return. He does really know what was the best for me in that moment. I am grateful Ryan. You helped me a lot. It will be hard to start finding my way back to God but I must try. And you opened my eyes."

"I didn't have to open them sweetheart. They were already half open. I just had to tell you that if you have your eyes half open why can't you see with them?"

Our morning went so smoothly. I always realise how much I love to be with Ryan. The only bad thing is that something has to happen to us to finally start spending time together. But Ryan is so calm and understanding. I try to recollect myself because I can see that he is worried and tries to be as gentle as he can be. I want today to be perfect. To give him the girlfriend he deserves. Not the problematic one but the one who is calm,kind and most importantly happy. Cause I am so sorry for him that I can't show him how happy I am with him. And it breaks my heart that he may be thinking that I am not happy next to him. So I try to tell him my feelings when we are drinking coffee together in our balcony covered with a blanket cause we are in the chilly weather of Scotland.
"You know how much I love you Ryan right?" I am really curious whether he can open up to me or not.
"Of course. Why do you ask?"

"I just wanted to tell you that you give me everything I ever desired for and if I would only have you in my life without all these problems,I would be the happiest girl ever. I don't want you to think that I am not happy next to you Ryan. Cause you do make me happy. It's just.."

"Heey, you don't have to explain why you can't feel happy right now sweetheart. I know. We can be the happiest next to someone if we feel that the whole world is against us. We can't be happy all the time. And right now you are dealing with that amount of pain that no one should ever have to deal with I can guarantee you. I know you love me and I love you too. And we try to give as much love to each other as we are capable of. Sometimes it's balanced,sometimes one of us has to give more to the other to keep the balance and help the other carry their weight. Do you know how much more you give than I do? You can't even imagine. All the time when I am stressed and you try not to get hurt, you just give a little more love than me. Now it's my turn. And I have plenty of love in store for you to help you stand up again. Just accept that love. And do not think. Don't think about purposes and how much love you feel you give to me. Cause we are not measuring it on a scale. We give the amount the other needs. I would give you everything if I could make you feel better." And he just looked down to his lap. He looks sad. It can be extremely hard to be next to me.

"I am sorry, it's me who can't make you happy. It must be so hard to be next to me. And most of the times I don't even deserve it. And it's me who would do anything to be thankful enough. " I just felt some tears from my eyes.

"Don't talk silly things. You do make me happy. I am not sad about being next to you. But about feeling unable to help. My attempts to calm you down are hopeless. I just don't feel myself enough to help you and it breaks my heart."
Ryan looks so sad. We make each other full that's for sure but he is right in everything. I have to remind him what he just said.

"You just said Ryan that we can't always make everything right. We can just be next to our love. And that's what you are doing right now. But I don't want you to feel less than enough. Cause you are so so much more. Let's try to forget all the shit that's surrounding us and enjoy today. I will try as hard as I can. We are here in this beautiful country which I have amazing memories with and I want more of them with you. So let's grab an umbrella and go."